MIL, & facebook, & DH

[FaceAcheProblems]

I've suspected for a while that MIL doesn't really like me, DH denies there's a problem, but sometimes, you just know. Anyway I put some pictures up on FB of a day out with DD, most people liked the post but MIL went into each picture individually and liked all the ones that didn't have me with DD in, leaving two photos off. And it pissed me off. So I made a comment under one of them saying Oh, you didn't like this one MIL?' tagging her and putting a smiley face (I know. I KNOW. It had been a long day).

anyway she then went in and liked the photo and made a comment that she must have missed those ones. I thought no more of it. This was Sunday. Today she's phoned my husband all upset apparently that I am so angry at her, has she done something to upset me? And of course DH phones me to tell me off for picking on his mother. I don't know why she wasn't upset yesterday - except she knew DH was working from home yesterday and we would have been able to chat about it straight away - she's only been able to feel upset about it today when he's out on the road...

Possibly I am because it's a MIL thing and probably I am as it's to do with Facebook... so AIBU or would this whole thing piss you off too?

[FaceAcheProblems]

Oh god, just read that and the whole thing sounds so childish. In my defence, it's been a long time, nearly 15 years I've been with DH and feeling this way, and DH gets very angry where his mother is concerned.

[PPie10]

It does sound childish but I believe you do know what she's very slyly doing, unfortunately you picked the wrong example to call her out on it. After 15 years don't give her the headspace anymore. She doesn't like you and It seems the feeling is mutual, as long as she is civil then that's all you need.

[AmusingMinnie]

Oh gosh, it does sound childish but I completely get where your coming from. When they're making sly digs it's so hard to pull them up on it without you looking unreasonable and also the way she's sooo upset today despite your message which was actually pleasantly passive aggressive my bil used to do the exact same thing, complete with dp (at the time) ringing me and telling me off for upsetting the poor little lamb before making me apologise to bil for my faux pas! One tip don't apologise to her, it plays right into her hands and gives her power over you! Hope you said to your dh that you didn't know what he or she was on about as you were nicely trying to ensure she saw the picture

[plimsolls]

Ug, I don't think you're being unreasonable although I suspect you'll end up frustrated.... this kind of thing reminds me of dog whistles in that the intended dig/slight is only heard by you and is imperceptible to DH's ear (and is intended as such!). Always small little things that seem petty when you bring them up, meaning you're the one who looks bad.

The only thing you can do is either rise above or fight fire with fire (I.e. As PP suggested, you proclaim your innocence too!)

[lem73]

She's very sly but you've got to resist the temptation not to let her bother you. My ILs are like that. Ironically my dh is the most straightforward person in the world so he just doesn't believe me when I tell him. I think the only thing you can do is say to your dh that your mil should really talk to you directly if she's upset.

[NotJanine]

YABU to have her as a FB friend

[MoreGilmoreGirls]

Don't give her the satisfaction of engaging with her on stuff like this. Just act like she's not getting to you otherwise she'll probably do it more. Also don't let her see your Facebook stuff. Keep a polite distance. But no I don't think you are unreasonable, just maybe did not handle it in the best way.

[tibbawyrots]

Think I would block your MIL or put restrictions in place as to what she could see - so any photos that you're not in, she can't see... leaving her to PA "like" or ignore the photos that have you in.

She doesn't pay you rent so don't give her headroom. Rise above it. :)

[Tiggywinkler]

This is exactly why I defriended my MIL.

Life is somehow simpler when I don't get the rage over her comments/likes etc.

Funnily enough, she's never mentioned the defriending to DH, and she normally calls him in tears over the slightest non-issue, so she, like your MIL I suspect, realizes full well that she's been rumbled.

[HellonHeels]

Please do just delete and block her from Facebook. That'll stop the nonsense.

[IdealWeather]

Actually I think I would be just as PA as she is.
Next time, don't say anything at all on the spot/through FB etc... but make a comment next time you see her (with DH around of course) of how happy you are that she liked all the photos on FB and how much you had fun that day etc....

That is, if you want to get some sort of reaction from her. (Which might or might not be a good thing)

Otherwise, ignore completely -and put strong restrictions on FB--

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

'Angry' indeed and DH fell for it, oh well.
I guess you won't be sending her a lovely family group pic for her next birthday then.
Perhaps it took her two days to twig you were being sarky!

[TattyDevine]

Ah, I hear you.

My MIL has family photos all around the house, including ones of all the family weddings.

The display of my wedding has no pictures of me. Yep, a wedding display with no bride.

[shovetheholly]

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about this. She is in her 50s, but says that her MIL makes her act like a sulky teenager, and she feels ashamed. But when we talked about it some more, it turns out her MIL is constantly patronising and criticising her. And the behaviour sort of results from a feeling of disempowerment in the face of such rudeness: she doesn't feel she can be assertive because it will rock the boat with her DH.

I can sympathise a LOT, having a very bossy MIL myself - and a similar reaction!!

Both my friend and I are trying to learn how to be assertive. A lot of the 'headspace' is fear and anxiety: fear at being pushed around, and anxiety about losing it completely in response (snapping, getting angry). We both decided that feeling that we could just 'handle' whatever was thrown at us was pretty fundamental. But it takes practice and confidence, which I'm only starting to learn.

Oh, and I would change your privacy settings on Facebook so you don't constantly have to deal with your MIL's reaction.

[shovetheholly]

tatty - that's appalling! And very pointed. But it makes her look bad, not you!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

So, your DH tells you off for picking on his mother? How come there is no issue with his mother ticking you off?? Why doesn't he have words with her about her behaviour towards you??? Why is ok for her to be short with you and not vice versa??

I'd have to ask him that when he would be back at home so he could answer the question.

[sephineee]

I get it. No photo from DHs and I's wedding at MILS house, thousands of my kids though (including one of dd1 on her bedside table). Bil and sil's wedding is present though!

MIL is nowhere near being on fb. If she was I would NOT want to be her friend.

[MoreGilmoreGirls]

Tatty that is horrible but agree makes her look very bad!
Agree with Watcha that your DH should be more supportive of you.

[pigsDOfly]

Try not to let these slights bother you OP.

I know exactly how you feel. My exMIL had the wedding photos of all her nieces and nephews and her cousins' children all over her house. Of exh and me - her own son - not one single photo anywhere.

Even our DC's photos were restricted to the odd one or two, again loads of photos of even distant cousins' DC though.

It used to hurt me that she hated me so much but I realized in the end that she was a nasty bitter old woman and it wasn't worth getting upset about. I suspect she did a little gig when exh and I divorced.

[FaceAcheProblems]

Well WhatchaMaCalllt MIL has been ill last year and has an ongoing (managed) condition that is elevated her to sainthood in DH eyes so no one can ever criticise her - he'd never tel her off.

[FaceAcheProblems]

Thanks everyone for making me feel less ridiculous. Now she's added to a restricted list so won't see most things in future!

[pigsDOfly]

Just seen your post Tatty, obviously your MIL and my exMIL have a lot in common - they're both batshit crazy.

[hudyerwheesht]

Urgh, I sympathise OP, I really do.

And regarding the telling off double standard - I've had this issue many times; there are a number of things that I would never get away with (endless chocolate/treats/unlimited TV, etc,etc) without him nagging about it.

Having called him out on it many times I've been told its because its easier to confront me than his mother.
Possible argument with me = do-able.
Possible argument with MIL = definite no-no.

[Blatherskite]

TattyDevine mine too!!!

MiL is at least sly enough to leave all of the in laws' out though and just has pictures of her 2 DDs and my DH around the house along with pictures of the grandchildren. Actually, I think I may make it into one but for a long time it was on a wall behind a door....

We have teams for the annual Christmas day Trivial Pursuit game - 'bloods' v 'outsiders'. Drunken SiL told me once that I was "further inside the circle (than the BiLs), because (I) have given birth to bloods"

[sephineee]

Woah blatherskite that's seriously weird.

I have sympathies for MIL being ill and therefore a saint issue too. Oh they play the illness card so well!