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to think she's a big selfish meanie?

(104 Posts)
WotsitSandwich Mon 11-Apr-16 20:12:28

I have an important group presentation at uni coming up in a couple of weeks. The day before is my baby's christening and first birthday party.

We had a choice of three dates for the presentation, said we would go for the first one to get it out the way, all fine. I didn't realise that it was the day after DDs christening otherwise I would have asked to do it on one of the other dates.

I have lots of family flying down from all over the UK - some I haven't seen in years. My best friend who's in the army has also got it off so it will be the first time I've seen her in over a year. I probably have got a bit carried away with it tbh - it's turned into a kind of mini festival blush tons of food, a big barbecue, bouncy castles and ball pits, bubble machines, a slush puppy machine etc etc grin but we've budgeted for it and are so looking forward to the day. It's mostly my family that are coming from far away so DP said he will take DD home at bedtime and I can party the night away!

Only a week ago I realised the date problem. I work bloody hard at uni to get top grades and I definitely couldn't do the presentation with a hangover or on lack of sleep so I would have to leave all the people I know and love at a party I paid a ton for about 9 o clock while they all carried on having fun and getting drunk. So, I asked my lecturer if my group agreed, could we change the date - he said of course! I asked my group - 4 of the girls said no problem, it's a once in a lifetime thing. One of the girls said no - she's going to Amsterdam the following week (in term time which isn't allowed obviously) and won't do it the week after as she doesn't want to have to think about it while she's away confused

I actually begged her to change her mind and she had a go at me, saying I was unfair to put all this guilt on her. We get on reasonably well - I listen to all her inane relationship dramas on the train every day when I just want to listen to music and give her advice (on how to stop getting with other people when she has a boyfriend hmm).

If it was me, I would go out of my way to help someone out and even if I did want to get it over and done with before my holiday, I would just suck it up and realise that my loss is much less than theirs (I.e me). Is it a British thing? She's Swedish. I don't think I could physically let somebody plead with me like that and not say yes out of pure politeness!

I know there's nothing I can do.. I guess I can stay sober and leave about 11. It just wasn't how I had planned it and I am feeling sad.I know it's my fault for not realising in the first place. But is she just the most teensy weensy bit unreasonable for not just agreeing to change the bloody date? It's not like I'm asking to change it to a date that's closer! She can just do all the work before her holiday and spend an hour the day before when she's home refreshing her memory on what she's going to say surely!?

Either way my bloody headphones are staying firmly in on every train ride from now on grin

LindyHemming Mon 11-Apr-16 20:20:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwantavuvezela Mon 11-Apr-16 20:25:45

Can you not suggest another date ( perhaps not yet suggested)that suits the group, and takes other person into account? I would go and ask tutor if their are any other possibilities, others than those originally given and see if that works,.
Or ask group for another suitable time that suits all, ask tutor about that and offer to do leg work with items sling, scheduling to see if it can happen. I am sure there must be an alternative!

goddessoftheharvest Mon 11-Apr-16 20:27:58

Just make sure your presentation is well prepped before the christening. You don't have to get ratarsed. It doesn't sound like the sort of event where you would be partying til 2am and getting pissed anyway?

It's a shame the girl won't swap, but it's her choice and you'll have to respect it. You all did agree on the original date and she has already planned round it. You can ask, but you can't expect

As a compromise, could you ask for your group to go later? Then you don't have to be up super early after a busy day

redskytonight Mon 11-Apr-16 20:28:24

As an impartial observer I have more sympathy with her than with you tbh. I can't see any reason why you can't enjoy the party and manage the presentation perfectly well the day after. I can see that I wouldn't want to go on holiday knowing I had to do a big presentation the day after - I'd spend the whole week worrying about it.

VimFuego101 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:28:44

You asked; she said no. YABU to not accept her response.

AuntJane Mon 11-Apr-16 20:38:09

Quite intrigued as to why having your child received into the Christian Church involves getting drunk.

Lunar1 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:44:52

The dat was set and she made her plans around it. I don't think it's fair to pressure and guilt trip her because you got your dates wrong.

SianiMoomin Mon 11-Apr-16 20:44:58

A christening and a 1st birthday involves staying up all night getting drunk and a terrible hangover the next day?

YABU, you agreed the date. You aren't being unreasonable to want to change it for your own reasons but she also isn't being unreasonable to not want to change it.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Mon 11-Apr-16 20:46:34

Erm.....don't get pissed at your daughter's christening then. There. Problem solved. confused

FadedRed Mon 11-Apr-16 20:49:43

She can just do all the work before her holiday and spend an hour the day before when she's home refreshing her memory on what she's going to say surely!?

If she could do this, then why can't you?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 11-Apr-16 20:49:59

No,she isn't a if selfish meanie.

AdrenalineFudge Mon 11-Apr-16 20:50:38

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable for the reasons you've given. If I'd planned to have a weekend break in Amsterdam then I'd certainly want to have got the presentation over and done with. She's much more likely to get rat arsed in Amsterdam and need a few days to recover than you are going to your baby's christening.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 11-Apr-16 20:51:52


You cocked the dates up in the first place, don't get bladdered and you'll be fine.

WotsitSandwich Mon 11-Apr-16 20:52:22

I'm not a lush, promise! It's just when all my family from all over the UK get together for the first time in years, the party will definitely not end till the early hours.

I get your points, I will obviously still really enjoy the day. And I know that it's her decision to say no, but she didn't arrange anything around that date. If I had remembered at the time, I wouldn't have wanted to do it on the first week, she would have been away on the 2nd week so we would have all picked the third week. It's just that I forgot that I'm having to ask. And no, there's no other availability except these 3 dates at 9am (so leaving at 7:30)

Anyway I guess I am being U. I'm probably just a bit fed up as the girls asked me if they could send their individual bits so I could check them and make them all look nice and matching on PowerPoint. Will probably take a good couple of days. Every time were asked to get up and speak as a group, they always push me into doing it as none of them like public speaking (I don't particularly either but I'm not going to sit and argue about it in front of our seminar group). I proof read their stuff, reply to their constant whatsapp messages asking for help - really going out of my way to help them - and after all that I guess I just thought this one favour was reasonable. I suppose it's that old adage - don't expect of other people what you would do yourself.

WotsitSandwich Mon 11-Apr-16 20:54:49

And she's going Monday to Friday, not over the weekend to a PP. so if she gets ratarsed she has a day to enjoy a baby free hangover and then a day to prepare. Or she would have. If she wasn't a meanie. wink

TitaniumSpider Mon 11-Apr-16 20:57:53

You've both got a good reason for your views, I'm afraid you are going to just have to go with it as you chose the original date and she's planned around it.
I hope the christening goes well.

PPie10 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:58:16

I don't think she's being mean. Your event doesn't trump her plans. And you wanted to change at the last minute so it's not her problem. She's right that you shouldn't guilt her into doing it, next time check your dates properly.

GigiB Mon 11-Apr-16 21:02:32

When you finish uni and get a job you won't be able to choose client meetings... The dates will be prescribed to you. I think YABU to make this other person feel guilty particularly as it is so close to presentation date and you've realised late...and you are talking about you getting drunk (rather than the actual christening).. Just prepare properly and stop drinking at 9. Apologise to your friend for putting pressure on her too.

ollieplimsoles Mon 11-Apr-16 21:08:12

Op this is university! Just do the presentation hung over!

MissingPanda Mon 11-Apr-16 21:08:54

YABU Your party is no more important than her holiday. You chose the date now you'll have to stick to it. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with a presentation hanging over me either.

HanYOLO Mon 11-Apr-16 21:11:30

Well she could be a bit more flexible.

If you are going to be the one:
1. putting together the powerpoint/checking/collating
2. presenting

Then tbh I don't see how it impacts on her to do it later.

Tell them (asap /now) if you are going to be doing 1. You need the stuff by x date - so it can be done well in advance of your guests arrival. She might just decide that she would prefer the later date when it becomes clear she will have to do her work sooner.

Presenting can be done with a hangover. Or you can say you will collate and someone else will have to present as you will be too done in to do a good job.

MirriVan Mon 11-Apr-16 21:13:39

Your mistake, you suck it up.
You weren't unreasonable in asking for the change, but she's said no and she has every right to.
If the rest of the group are making you do too much of the work then take a leaf out of her book and be more assertive in saying no.

Dafspunk Mon 11-Apr-16 21:14:41

Just do it pissed.

AndNowItsSeven Mon 11-Apr-16 21:17:49

You need to grow up op, it's your baby's christening and birthday party. The day isn't about you getting drunk.

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