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To be so angry at 'DH''s timing

(57 Posts)
Mytummyisnotatrampoline Mon 11-Apr-16 17:47:09

I don't think I am. In fact, I think the fact that I haven't exploded shows incredible restraint.

Essentially, I've been doing our house up to sell to buy somewhere bigger. This has been ongoing for about 8 months as I've had to fit repairs/fittings/painting etc. around work and DS who is just a toddler.

I'm sick of living in a top floor flat. We need more room and I feel extraordinarily guilty at the amount of noise we make. DS is loud and prone to stamping/running (what toddler isn't). We bought this home before he arrived and it would have been fine for just the two of us. Now DS is older, we 're bursting at the seams. I also want to move to be closer to my mum and to have access to a better catchment. I know we're a good few years away from school being an issue, but I want to get him settled with kids who he'll be going to school with.

I've taken the lead with everything as DH has never been the most proactive. Fixed/replaced things that needed done, done a shit load of painting myself. We had a mortgage appointment (which I organised) today and got an agreement in principle for a larger sum. It won't buy a dream house, but it'll get is something decent with a garden.

So he leAves it until 5 minutes AFTER the appointment to say he doesn't want to move. We can't afford the type of house "he" wants (no work needing done, big rooms, big garden etc.) and he can't manage the increase in monthly payments. We're not talking a lot more-150-200 a month-but he's usually skint at the end of the month.

Nevermind that he insisted on an expensive car, expensive gym membership and sodding sky (which we never watch). Never mind that we wouldn't pay so much in council tax and wouldn't have factors fees to contend with. I have enough in savings to cover cost of solicitors/agents. Yes, it would be tight for a year (when we'd get a raise and have help with nursery fees) but I feel the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices.

I'm just so angry and disappointed. The flat we live in is lovely and the area is nice but I'm sick to death of having to be out the house at ridiculous o'clock in the morning so as not to disturb the neighbours (they don't ask for this but he is so noisy). I am so angry that he's let me replace things that needed replaced with "ok" models-things I wouldn't have chosen had they been for us and not a new buyer. I'm angry that I've wasted weeks of my time on this when I could have been spending time with DS. I've also spent money we could have used for a really nice summer holiday.

I'm not belittling his money worries. I understand that it's tight but I would happily contribute more (I earn less but am much better at saving) but apparently that makes him feel bad and he doesn't want to do it.

We're on cometely different pages regarding our future and our priorities are so different. I don't think my anger is misplaced but apparently I'm totally overreacting,

I've name-changed because he knows I'm a regular poster.

TattyDevine Mon 11-Apr-16 17:55:00

He might just be having cold feet and be able to be convinced.

It's really good to stretch yourselves a little bit to get into a bigger place that's more fitting with how you want to live, for sure. Not to the extent you are permanently skint but if it's just "tight for a while' it's well worth it.

It was years ago now but after we got married we moved to a bigger place, and it was tight for a while. But things change, payrises can happen, belts can be tightened (assuming there is some scope to do so) and it's well worth it in the end. It meant we didnt have to move house to have children or more children etc and I'm so glad we did.

TattyDevine Mon 11-Apr-16 17:55:32

I agree his timing is poor, but it's often when shit gets real that you have a wobble.

Fear of change.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 11-Apr-16 17:57:26

You need to find out if he has felt like this since the start or if he was bought into your dream, and now has cold feet.

enchantedfairytale Mon 11-Apr-16 17:57:55

He sounds pretty selfish to be honest.

whois Mon 11-Apr-16 17:58:18

Have you asked him what his plan is? So you can;t afford his 'dream' house but does he think you should stay in the flat forever?

HumphreyCobblers Mon 11-Apr-16 17:58:29

I would be livid actually, you are not unreasonable to be annoyed at his timing.
The fact that he is not prepared to let you contribute more lest it make him 'feel bad' is just appalling.

Sorry I don't have any useful advice. I think I would continue to argue my point and hopefully change his mind.

wallywobbles Mon 11-Apr-16 18:02:21

I think I'd just keep going. I would also explode at him so he realizes just how fucking furious you are. I'd go and look at places, short list a few and show him. Not necessarily good advice but it's what I'd do.

Delacroix Mon 11-Apr-16 18:07:33

Does he have to come? If he likes living in a flat so much he can live in one. You, however, are being an adult and putting your child's needs first.

And he's being a complete tit to say this now. He's known it was coming, he's watched you prepare. He must realise you can't live in a dinky flat forever, so why's he even bothering to say it?

MyAmDeryCross Mon 11-Apr-16 18:09:22

I'm sorry I can't offer any practical advice but yanbu.

I hope that you can come to a compromise on this. I drove all of the renovations on DHs house which we sold to buy our family home.

You are doing amazingly to do any renovation yourself with such a young child. So well done you.

However. We moved 3.5 years ago into a new shithole. Coped for a year. Moved in with in laws for 9 months and am currently living in a bare shell of a house, resenting H and he isn't working on the basis he is supposed to be "doing up the house".

NNalreadyinuse Mon 11-Apr-16 18:09:32

I would go ahead and tell him that the time to object is long past. Cancel his gym/Sky while you are at it

GoblinLittleOwl Mon 11-Apr-16 18:11:13

Is he frightened of change? My father was like this and it took my mother years and years to persuade him to move, and so many disappointments; women's income wasn't taken into account then anyway, so she had no leverage.
What would happen if you took the initiative and put the flat up for sale?
Your reasoning is sound and you seem very competent; would you be able to persuade him? You seem to have persuaded the mortgage advisor.
You are not totally over-reacting; that is unkind.

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 11-Apr-16 18:13:23

He needs to get his shit together, what's more important, his car, gym and Sky TV or the future of his family. He sounds like a man child and yes his timing is crap. You need to sit him down and ask what his plan is. Many couples go through a few moves before getting their dream house it's something to work for but you need more space now and a garden for your ds.
Good luck. I hope he comes round

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 11-Apr-16 18:14:43

Ask him how he proposes to buy his dream house if he's saying "can't afford" the payments on this one.

HereIAm20 Mon 11-Apr-16 18:15:33

On a practical note could you line up a few viewings so that he can see what is out there? He may fall in love with what is available and change his mind,

ApocalypseNowt Mon 11-Apr-16 18:17:48

Cancel his gym. Cancel sky. Exchange the car for something cheaper. Get over himself about you contributing more or get better at saving or both.

Tell him this is not the time to reveal himself as a wet willy, unless he wants to be a lonely wet willy.

I would seriously go ballistic. He needs to know how angry this makes you....unless he has some brilliant masterplan that he's been hiding up his sleeve for eight fecking months.

lorelei9here Mon 11-Apr-16 18:19:56

I would be livid
Tell him how he can save the extra btw
Sky that you never watch!

Topseyt Mon 11-Apr-16 18:28:06

I would probably explode too, because I remember all too clearly what it was like living in a top floor flat when our first baby was born. We had no lift up to ours, just 5 flights of stairs, so it quickly became too much. Cramped and I felt like a prisoner in what was supposed to be my own home. In fact, it stopped feeling like a home at all and became just a pad. If DH had tried to back out like that then I would have been furious. Fortunately he wanted to move as badly as I did and was just as fed up of carrying baby, pram, shopping upstairs in several trips too.

If your DH's dream home is some sort of a mansion then he had better forget it and start living in the real world.

Carry on. make clear that you intend moving anyway. Get viewing some properties within your budget. Maybe seeing what you could buy and the possibilities it offers might do the trick.

Topseyt Mon 11-Apr-16 18:29:27

Carry on and make clear .....

KERALA1 Mon 11-Apr-16 18:32:54

My friends Dh is like this. Loveliest chap you could meet but on eve of every large decision (house move, getting a dog) has a total wobble and wants to back out having been part of the decision making process. She has learned this about him and now is brusque and goes ahead anyway. Each time he is very happy that she has as the decisions obviously right for their family.

Mytummyisnotatrampoline Mon 11-Apr-16 18:50:55

Thanks for the replies.

I'm wary of going ahead without him as I don't want to be resented. He, quite rightly, wants a nice lifestyle with little extras, but is clearly not at the point of being willing to sacrifice these for what he sees as something which isn't "necessary". It's not necessary for him because he's not at home with DS as much and therefore doesn't have to be out the door at 8-1 then 2-5 every sodding day, just so DS can run around. If I kept him inside, he'd destroy the place.

Talking about it now just seems pointless. He doesn't want to move, I do, but I can't do it without him onboard. He gets his way by default, after having had all the bloody repairs done without him having lifted a fucking finger.

I know what will happen if I arrange viewings-he will find fault with everything. Or not go because one of us has to look after DS. I camt invest more time/effort into this when I know it's just wasted. He's a fucking twat.

lorelei9here Mon 11-Apr-16 18:56:49

OP I'm wondering where you live
Property prices in my area are shocking. I bought years ago but couldn't afford half my flat now.

If that's the case where you are, I'd emphasise to him that the small house may not happen in future if he delays.

He's talking so much crap I dint know where to start.

Yeahsure Mon 11-Apr-16 19:02:42

Wow I'd be fuming. Of course we all want to the nice house, posh gym, nice car but a huge majority of us can't have that, especially when we are starting a family.

I'm 52 and now have the life your dh is dreaming of wink. But in all seriousness, we did what everyone else does, move up the ladder, bit by bit. It's taken 20 odd years to get to a comfortable position.

You sound awesome by the way. Tell him you'll take your awesomeness elsewhere if he doesn't grow up. And mean it.

Yseulte Mon 11-Apr-16 19:05:51

He's being monumentally selfish.

You're wary of going ahead in case of his resentment? How much is he worrying about yours?

Carry on and tell him it's too late to object now. DS needs somewhere with a garden.

CabbagesOnFire Mon 11-Apr-16 19:08:49

I agree with posters above. It may be cold feet, and he may thank you later if you just carry on. I'm just the same, even about my own decisions - I get cold feet and want to back out at the last minute, even when I've done all the planning myself. It infuriates everyone around me. It may be that if you carry him for a little while he'll catch up. As long as he's worth it, that is!

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