To think DP should leave his home town and live in mine(31 Posts)
DP and I have been together for just over 2 years. All is going well and we are very happy. We're both in our 40's and DP owns and lives in his house about 40 minutes away. I'm currently renting with my 2 dc's (6 and 9) in the village where they have lived all their lives. I have equity from the marital home ready for when I come to buy another house.
DP and I have started to discuss buying a house and moving in together. We would be putting similar amounts of equity in and my income is slightly higher than his (not massively so).
I would like to stay buy in the area where I live now. My dc's are settled in school here and have friends/activities etc here. Their dad also lives here and he we currently share access about 60:40 (I.e he takes and collects them from school 2 morning and afternoons per week). My workplace is also a short commute which enables me to get back in time to collect them from after school club on the 3 nights I have them.
DP has lived in his area all his life. He has friends there but no children. His work is about a 20 minute commute from his house and about a 30 minute commute from mine.
I want to stay here - the dc's are settled and their dad can be more hands on than he would be if we moved away. DP doesn't necessarily want us to move to where he lives now but he dies think we should compromise and move to somewhere new for all of us (geographically about half way between where we both live now). I really don't see the point in uprooting the dc's to go to somewhere where none of us have any particularly connections.
So, AIBU to think that it would make more sense for us to buy a property in my village..?
I can understand your DP's wish for a fresh start, somewhere new, where you can build a joint life, rather than him join what is basically your life, in your environment.
However, there are 2 young children involved here and their needs must always come first - over and above his. He needs to understand and accept this now, or else you will have trouble further down the line.
YANBU. Don't make your dcs move from their community. Moving in together will go a lot more smoothly if your dcs haven't got to cope with other big changes at the same time.
My dm always used to put her new partners before me and my db. It hurt then as kids, and it still hurts now.
Yanbu. You sound like you have your head screwed on, but to do other than what you suggest would be massively prioritising your new relationship over what was best for the children - can see no advantages to them to living half way.
I think he is being (a bit) unreasonable. I can totally understand his desire for a new start together, but you'll get that anyway as you're planning to buy a new home together. It's not as if you're asking him to move into your old marital home or anything. And an extra ten minutes commute isn't much to ask.
I agree that the children's needs/stability should come first.
YANBU. He's inventing a problem where there isn't one - there is no need to pick some neutral 'middle' zone so that you both have a new town just because he's got some bee in his bonnet about moving to yours. That is your children's town, their schools, their friends. They will always come first, and he could do with learning that. Pronto.
Hopefully he will see that the added upheaval to the dcs lives wouldn't be worth it just to make him feel you are sacrificing something too.
Would it help if you told him that you would really appreciate him moving to your village - that you are not taking it for granted. He will be sacrificing something after all, just not as much as you. Maybe he feels that that needs more recognition.
Yanbu. It's not good for children to have a new start unless there's a good reason. I think he's not considering your children in all this.
YANBU but maybe he feels that you are saying "me and my kids are more important, you have nothing of value so you can move" . I know you're not, but it might feel that way a bit to him.
I think you would be nuts to buy anywhere together regardless of where it is without actually living together first.
You can love anyone as much as you like but it doesn't mean you can live with them.
What piemernator says. And actually I'm going to go against the grain here and say you are being a bit unreasonable. Is there nowhere you can move to where the DC can still see their dad as often? Just because he doesn't have DC it doesn't mean he doesn't have connections to the place he's always lived in.
Thanks all. It does seem to be the case that he has a bee in his bonnet about me supposedly calling all the shots on a property he is effectively paying half towards, as opposed to any real practical issues. He stays over a good 60% of the week without any practical issues. I know it is a big step for him (historically a bit of a commitment phobe!) and I agree I'd probably just assumed he would be willing to up sticks and move over here without doing any of the requisite "bloke" ego stroking He also seems to think I'm prioritising ex h over him because I said it would make sense to stay close to ex h (not for his benefit but for the dc's and yes, mine/ours to a certain extent).
The plan would be to live together full time in my rented place for a good few months after his property sells before buying together.
Does he stay over mostly when the kids are at their dads? How is he with them?
I'm in the very very early stages with someone who has kids, and lives in the area he grew up in and where his family still live. I don't have family where I live but I've lived here all my adult life and my work, hobbies and social life are all here.
Obviously it's very very early and no talk of moving in yet. But I have thought to myself that if this does get serious, eventually it would have to be me that moved to his town. There are practical issues that would need sorting first but it would be much easier than him leaving all his family and uprooting his kids.
I absolutely understand why he wants a fresh start. But the thing is, anyone who gets involved with someone who has kids, needs to understand that at least while those children are actual children, they will come first, as they should. Certainly with big decisions about where to live.
Faith - I know he has connections where he's always lived. I suppose rightly or wrongly, I just think that my dcs' connections to their community should take priority Their dad would still maintain regular contact every other weekend but at least one (if not both) of the midweek nights would probably stop if we moved where DP is proposing.
Yanbu. I would always put my children first and there is no real need to uproot them from their home.
What will you do if he doesn't budge?
Hi. He gets on really well with the dc's and vice versa.
I think that's where my thought process is coming from. I moved from where I'd lived to be with ex h because he had a dc and I didn't. In my head, that's just how it works if one person has dc's and the other doesn't!
Roseberry - I've told him that I'm not willing to compromise and if he wants us to live together, then he'd need to move I have said I'd live in one of the next villages (so dc's could stay at the same schools etc.) but I wouldn't be moving much farther than about 10 minutes drive from where I am now.
Fair enough, good on you.
DCs all grown up and had already left home when we started thinking about moving in together. He wanted to move half way between our existing homes. I wanted to stay where I was. We compromised by moving to the next village, which was about a mile in the right direction. He had wanted to move about twenty mikes in that direction.
My network of people, window washers, GPs, dry cleaners, cleaners, decorators etc was much stronger than his: it was important for me to stay in their areas.
I do think you need to acknowledge his logic and his feelings too though.
It can't be an attractive prospect for him to move in to a small village where your ex lives, and where everyone knows and thinks of the dcs dad as being your ex - he will always be 'Tilly's new fella'. It would be a lot easier for him (and for you to be accepted as a couple) in a new place. How awkward will it be at all the community events (bonfire night, Summer fete, etc) for him to be coming face to face with your ex?
Don't get me wrong, I understand that the dc are settled and that is very important, but you have to acknowledge so are his reservations.
Where will they go to secondary school ? Might that be a better time to move to a different village / town together to start your life together as a new family? Gets around all the logistical stuff of collecting from school.
Hmm actually it does sound like you are trying to compromise if you've offered to move to the next village. I wonder if he's not happy because you've phrased it in a way that sounds like there's not even any discussion? I do understand you not wanting to move and it'd be pretty unfair on the DC and their father if your move meant contact changed but discussion is always good right?
I'm with somebody who has a DD and I'd just assumed he'd want to live where he does now as it's relatively close to her. Actually when it came down to it we had a discussion about it and he was okay moving slightly further away. As it happens I moved in with him where he's lived for a while as it just made sense for work as well as his DD but I did appreciate the discussion even if it had the same outcome.
BackforGood - you do make very good points and I do acknowledge it
now It's quite a large village and generally, whoever has the dc's at the time of various events will be there, whilst the other will tend not to be. We did bump into ex h and his DP at the summer fayre last year (all very civil but admittedly a tad awkward!) but other than that, in the 4 years we've been separated, I've not seen them out and about. There are mutual friends and the "Tilly's new fella" thing rings true (albeit he's already sort of dealt with that over the course of the last year or so!). Definitely a little less foot stamping behaviour and a bit more of a softly softly approach required on my part though!
Yes Faith - I probably had approached it as a fait accompli. The lack of
pretending to have a discussion hasn't helped me!
If your reasons to stay were you are is for yours children's benefit (school/friends/father) then a "meet in the middle" approach isn't actually the compromise it's being made out to be - it's the same net effect as moving to DP's location.
If he values you and your kids then a 10min increase in a commute isn't worth uprooting your kids for. If he won't do that, then I think you seriously need to re-consider the relationship.
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