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To be a bit put out?

(6 Posts)
FudgeCat91 Mon 11-Apr-16 13:54:45

Apologies if this is a bit long winded, but I think it’s important to have a bit of back story……

Parents divorced when I was young, about 8, and my manipulative dad managed to keep custody of me and older brother. We saw many, many women come and go (marriage to my mum broke down after he had numerous affairs), there was some violence towards me, my brother and just in general. Think holes punched in doors etc. He was very manipulative and always made us believe it was our fault. Once held my brother against the wall by his throat because he didn’t get a glowing report at school.

Anyway, growing up I lost all respect for him, he had met and married wife #3, and they bought a boat and live on this boat together. She is divorced and doesn’t work. My brother and I carried on living in the family home and paid a lot towards its upkeep/mortgage etc. Fast forward a couple of years and I moved out. No help from father & didn’t offer to help me move or anything like that, in fact it was my stepdad that was there all day helping put furniture together without me even having to ask. Father didn’t even offer to buy so much as a tea towel. My brother then leaves the house too and my Father puts down the deposit on a flat for him, buys all his furniture and moves him in.

Father sold the original family home and bought his wife a Villa in Spain, my brother a new car and I got diddly squit (they didn't buy another house as they live on a boat). Not even a card at Christmas and couldn’t even be bothered to send me a happy birthday text earlier this year. Am currently NC with him now, but this happened before I cut him out.

I guess my question is, AIBU to think that I should have been given something from the sale of the house too? Or at least offered?

candykane25 Mon 11-Apr-16 14:07:41

I don't know but just wanted to say I've read your post, I'm sorry you've had this awful upbringing. I'm glad you have a supportive step dad.
It's his estate and it's up to him what he does with it but I can see why it must be upsetting for you.
There will be others who have more experience of going NC, but my advice would be to leave well alone. It might not be fair that your brother got stuff and you didn't but your brother is still being manipulated probably and you are free.
Finances in families are often source of conflict and I doubt you'll find a family completely unscathed by it.
It depends what you want more. Cutting ties and walking away or financial equality? What would give you the most peace of mind?

FlyRussianUnicorn Mon 11-Apr-16 14:10:15


I'm in a similar position

I'm 25 and still live at home. Haven't been able to work until recently for a number of years due to MH issues but i've mucked in more than any adult child would living at home. All the housework, majority of the cooking, running my parents round etc. Always made a special effort for them at Christmas and Birthdays buying them gifts they wanted/would appreciate, organising and throwing surprise parties for them etc. They can ask and I will do- they know that, they just don't like to admit it. Next week i'm running my Mum to the airport at 3am "because she doesn't want to get on the minibus with everyone else" despite the fact I will be at work for 8am.

My brother however is the complete opposite. Moved out at 16 and they have funded his lifestyle ever since despite now earning more than my parents put together as they are now both retired. He comes home and talks to them like absolute shit and acts like Lord Muck while i'm running around doing housework after working 8 hours on my feet.

Just last week they gave him £3k yet apparently I was out of order asking for a £50 loan until pay day next week (should also add he admitted himself he has savings "which be such a shame to spend"). Aside from the odd £10 here and there and token gifts on my birthday/Xmas- i've been given nothing off them since I was 16 except my Mum paid for 6 months therapy but even that took a suicide attempt and months of persuasion to get me the support I needed.

Recently my grandparents died and my Aunts/Mum agreed that the half proceeds from the sale of the house (very modest I should add) would be split between the five grandchildren. All except me received their share.

Its sad because it has had a detrimental effect on the relationship with my parents and my brother. I honestly couldn't tell you if they will still be part of my life in another 5, 10 years when i'm out and hopefully have my own family.

The way I look at it though OP- but if I was handed a serious sum of money, it wouldn't come without strings attached.

I can understand your upset because I have experienced it myself but it sounds like your better off without this man giving you hand outs.

lavenderdoilly Mon 11-Apr-16 14:11:01

I'm sorry it's such a mess. If you contributed to mortgage (that is, they needed the money to make the mortgage payments) then I suppose you could have expected something from the sale. If, on the other hand, you were paying rent or helping out with bills that your continued residence added to then no, I don't think so. Money is not going to fix the relationship so I would give up adding this to the list of reasons why he's let you down so badly.

FudgeCat91 Mon 11-Apr-16 14:57:27

Candy If he handed me a cheque now for even a big sum of money, I would send it straight back to him. It definitely wouldn't come without strings attached, if not now then in the future.... "You wouldn't have that car if it wasn't for me" etc etc... I always said as soon as I moved out of his house 5 years down the line we wouldn't speak and I was right.

I paid housekeeping/rent from the day I turned 16, £200 a month even when I only had a little Saturday job and was still in school. When I moved out I was paying close to what I do now for a 1 bedroom flat. It's not the paying my own way that I begrudge, not in the slightest, but I don't know many parents that would take their 16 year old childs entire paycheque as housekeeping.

Fly Sorry to hear about your situation too, I never understand how parents can treat their children so differently. The one thing I can be grateful to him for is teaching me how not to bring up my children.

whois Mon 11-Apr-16 15:28:16

YANBU but sounds like one shit action of many from your dad!

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