To just want to be a mum before I'm 30

(116 Posts)
FlowersAndShit Mon 11-Apr-16 10:07:06

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I felt so lucky and happy (I have endometriosis). Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream and my heart sank sad.

I'm only 25 but i've wanted to be a mum for so long. Unfortunately, life hasn't worked out how i'd hoped. I had an awful time at school due to undiagnosed mild autism, which resulted in me being overwhelmed and terriby anxious at school. At 16 I was put on antidepressants to cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia, and I'm still on them, but slowly weaning myself off them to prepare myself for pregnancy in the future. So far I'm coping well.

I've never had a relationship, but I want a child more than a man. Due to my endometriosis, I don't want to wait for mr right to possibly come along, and then wait another 3-5 years until they are ready for children. I don't want to be an older mum either, so would like to start having children by the time i'm 28.

My plan is to use a sperm donor, or co-parent with a sperm donor. I already have a degree, but I'll need to get a job first, build up a support network, save for the fertility treatment (I may need IVF) and hopefully get pregnant by the time i'm 27/28.

In the meantime, hopefully i'll fall in love with an amazing man who will want to marry me and have my babies all within the next 3 years, and we will live happily ever after. However, that's very unlikely as I'm not prepared to wait years, especially considering my endometriosis, I feel I need to be proactive and not sit and wait and do nothing and gamble with my fertility.

I'm a very maternal, loving person and any child I have would be very loved, doted on and supported in whatever they want to do. It's a physical ache to bear and love a child that makes me so sad, and my diagnosis of endometriosis has just magnified those feelings.

It's even more upsetting when people (mainly on here) assume that I want a child as a sticking plaster and to solve my issues and 'make me happy'. People have children to enrich their lives, to love and nurture and that's what I'd like to have.

I suppose i'm just looking for reassurance and for someone to say 'go for it, follow your dreams of motherhood' instead of condescending attitude that I'm too damaged to have a child and that I couldn't cope alone, especially because I'm prone to mh issues. I can cope, and I will cope.

Itinerary Mon 11-Apr-16 10:09:18

Go for it and follow your dreams smile

KnitFastDieWarm Mon 11-Apr-16 10:11:29

you can stay on antidepressants while pregnant if you need to smile I did and it allows me to be the mother I'm meant to be rather than the depressed anxious version grin good luck with whatever you decide

dcourtney Mon 11-Apr-16 10:13:40

Go for it!
Also I want to reassure you that it is possible to meet someone, quickly - I met my DH 2 years ago, got married a year ago and am currently 6 months pregnant with a baby boy. smile I don't have endometriosis though. I wish you luck though, and don't give up hope!

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat Mon 11-Apr-16 10:25:27

But OP you've posted this before - and you were told - gently - that you're not in the right place at the moment. I knew this would be you before I opened the thread. All your previous threads hint at quite serious MH issues don't they? You seem to be saying here that they don't matter - and that, of course, is a matter for you and your healthcare professionals. I don't know why you're asking MN for the final say so on your having a child but it would seem to me that the timing is not right for you - and yet it strikes me that it's not up to anyone else to say yes or no.
Single parenthood isn't easy at the best of times - even when all your ducks are lined up. You've spoken before about your poor relationship with your father - so where is your support network?

PastaLaFeasta Mon 11-Apr-16 10:28:24

I can also vouch for finding someone and things happening quickly. Engaged after eight months, pregnant accidentally a year later and married while pregnant two years after meeting. We've been together eight and a half years almost. I was 27 and 29 when my two were born but where I live this is unusually young so I don't really fit in at the school gates etc.

I never felt the way you do about kids and have found parenthood very difficult, it's also made depression worse and I have much less time to give myself or attend appointments. If you have family or friends with small kids then spend time with them to prepare - we didn't have this so it was a big shock and doing it alone will be tough but if you have family and friends who will be hands on that will be a big help. Having small kids can be very isolating if you don't have support.

TheSconeOfStone Mon 11-Apr-16 10:38:13

How would you cope you have had a child with additional needs? I had my DD1 at 33 with a supportive husband, lovely new mum friends and parents down the road. She was a difficult baby and it nearly broke me. Eight years on she has been diagnosed with ASD. She is wonderful but hard work. School has been extremely hard for her. Her diagnosis has forced me to deal with my own anxiety and difficulties as a child. I suspect I am on the spectrum, or at least have a lot of traits although I function very well as an adult (bloody hard work with my anxiety though).

Just something to think about. Babies and children can be really hard work in unexpected ways.

HooseRice Mon 11-Apr-16 10:42:26

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MidniteScribbler Mon 11-Apr-16 10:45:30

Whilst I normally would support someone wanting to become a single parent by choice (I am one myself), you are not in the right place for this OP.

There is too much of your self-worth wrapped up in not being able to find a partner, and you're jumping in to having a child in place of trying to get yourself in a better position with regards to your self-esteem. I chose to have DS on my own not because I couldn't find a partner, but because I actually don't want one.

You don't even have a job or a secure financial position behind you. There is no support when it's 2am and the baby just won't sleep. You can't hand the child over and go and have a long hot bath when it all gets a bit too much. You are not ready for this now OP. Spend the next few years getting yourself healthy and financially secure first, then revisit the plan to bring a child in to the world.

Cheby Mon 11-Apr-16 10:57:09

Support is vital. I was really unwell with PND after DD was born, my DH coped with it really badly and my family were hundreds of miles away. Still, they came to stay for weeks at a time when I couldn't do anything for myself. And even if DH was a bit shit I could still hand DD over to him the minute he walked through the door at 6pm sonic oils go and put my head under a pillow and hide from the relentless screaming (she had colic and major feeding issues) for a blessed 15 minutes.

Building up support for yourself, and a means to financially support yourself and your child, are vital. Once those are in place, if I were you I would go for it, and assuming your MH conditions are well managed, I would go for it. I wouldn't if those things weren't in place. But that's just what I would do, this is a very personal decision, surely?

Cheby Mon 11-Apr-16 10:57:50

* so I could, not sonic oils!

Skittlesss Mon 11-Apr-16 10:59:56

You need to make sure you're in a good place before you even consider having a child and your post just doesn't sound like you are.

Concentrate on yourself before having a child. Go out, meet fellas and have a relationship. Get a job. Work on yourself and the rest will follow.

25 is young, 30 is young. You have plenty of time.

Anyway you might meet the man of your dreams and settle down soon. Who knows? Just because some people wait years before having children doesn't mean everyone does (my hubby and I planned and had two children within the first 2 and half years of our relationship. We've been together 7 years now and happy as ever).

Take care.

fastdaytears Mon 11-Apr-16 11:03:16

Hooserice

That seems massively unkind. Not going to AS and see what you're on about as I'm not sure it could be justified.

But OP, does not sound like you're ready for this, and I know how cruel that sounds.

YoJesse Mon 11-Apr-16 11:04:36

flowers for you. Sounds like you're having a tough time. I too had strong maternal urges from my early twenties and stopped using contraception at 25 in the hope of conceiving. It took a while to conceive and I started to despair but looking back I'm glad it didn't happen earlier.
I'm not diminishing your or my strong maternal instincts for a second and I think they are as valid whether you are twenties thirties, forties etc but... Looking back I think mine were coupled with a strong desire to change my life at the time because I wasn't happy. I convinced myself I wasn't happy because I didn't have a baby but looking back that wasn't it.

Now I love being a mother and I love my ds but life is really hard. I've barely got any money, my dh has many issues, we can't afford to buy a place and I'm stuck in a job I am bored with. If I'd listened to good advice I was given at the time I'd have put it off till my life was more stable. That doesn't necessarily mean older as people's situations are different I know but just at the right place in your life.
It doesn't sound like the right time for you but I know the maternal instinct is so hard to ignore. Good luck.

Sparklycat Mon 11-Apr-16 11:05:03

Hoosrice has posted in the wrong thread I think, there is one running about marrying a bed wetter.

fastdaytears Mon 11-Apr-16 11:06:44

Ohhhh ok that's reassuring. Thought it was a bit much to kick the OP about this too and assumed it was something to do with an earlier thread. Sorry Hooserice!

PennyHasNoSurname Mon 11-Apr-16 11:10:56

I think you sound very sensible and practical about it.

FlowersAndShit Mon 11-Apr-16 11:31:41

There will never be a right time for me, if I waited until everything was perfect i'd never have children. I'm learning to live with my depression (which is mostly situational), I believe that when I get a job and meet new people/have friends, my mental health will improve.

I'm not severely mentally ill either, so I don't know why someone mentioned it upthread. I have agoraphobia which is improving, anxiety which is also improving and depression which is improving and is a result of my isolation/anxiety/lack of friends. I've found ways to cope with it and I feel stronger for it. I know I'm at high risk of PND, and i'd find a way to cope with that too and go back on medication if needed.

I'm trying to improve my situation with the cards i've been dealt, before having children. Planning gives me something to look forward to and a degree of control.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Mon 11-Apr-16 11:38:38

Look, you don't have to pass a MN approval test to plough on with your plans and have a child.

But I would urge caution. MN is one of the few places where people talk honestly about the challenges and difficulties around raising children. It's not glossed up by people who would dispense false confidence to bolster your ego or squeezed through a advertising filter or through the advice of (marketable) parenting 'gurus'.

Parenting can be brutal if you lack support and resources. So if the geneal advice is that you should hang on until you have more of those then it would be worth thinking more strategically to achieve that rather than throw yourself in at the deep and and hope for the best.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Mon 11-Apr-16 11:40:39

General and deep end.

whois Mon 11-Apr-16 11:43:22

I think posters saying "go for it, follow your dreams" are incredibly irresponsible when we are talking about bringing a child into the world when the mother has zero emotional and financial stability. slow clap yeah that would really be a great idea.

PerspicaciaTick Mon 11-Apr-16 11:44:44

I think you are facing a lot of challenges and it is great that you are looking forward and making plans. However setting yourself an artificial time limit seems to be taking a tough situation and make it potentially even more damaging for your MH.

whois Mon 11-Apr-16 11:45:36

You should see a baby as a way to make yourself feel better.

FlowersAndShit Mon 11-Apr-16 11:46:34

whois Thanks for the suggestion that I'm emotionally unstable. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself and your life. Don't be so smug though, it could happen to you.

PerspicaciaTick Mon 11-Apr-16 11:49:00

whois - did you mean to write "You shouldn't see a baby as a way to make yourself feel better"? I hope so, because otherwise your post is just terrible advice.

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