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To think Dh really should have discussed this with me first

(55 Posts)
piebaldponies Sun 10-Apr-16 17:08:16

Dh had been applying in a fairly competitive field for a while, and getting brilliant feedback but lack of specific experience was holding him back. In other words it was a catch 22 of - great application but we gave it to someone with experience.

He applied for a job in a less competitive area of the country which just happened to me 300 miles away from our home hmm and got it.

I had to leave MY job ( was planning to anyway this was what he kept saying) and move with our little boy who was 18 months.

PotteringAlong Sun 10-Apr-16 17:09:36

He definitely should have mentioned it first - I'd have been livid!

Were you planning on leaving your job?

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Apr-16 17:09:58

When did this happen?

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Apr-16 17:10:17

Have you already moved and you're still annoyed about it?

Have you not settled in well and feel very unsupported by him?

PPie10 Sun 10-Apr-16 17:10:44

Has he already taken the job and you've moved already? You could have said something about it or not decided to give up your job.

Dellarobia Sun 10-Apr-16 17:12:20

Were you planning to leave your job?

If so, I think he wasn't being unreasonable to apply, although he should be expecting a serious conversation before he actually accepted.

If not, he was being unreasonable to apply!

piebaldponies Sun 10-Apr-16 17:18:06

But shouldn't you discuss with your partner before going for a job where such a massive move would be necessary even if you don't even know if you'll be offered it? I just feel angry when I think about it.

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Apr-16 17:19:58

Yes bit maybe if you were not going to be working as you were leaving your job and he couldn't get a job where you lived, he had to work somewhere and beggars can't be choosers.

piebaldponies Sun 10-Apr-16 17:22:19

He did have a job, it just wasn't quite in the field he wanted.

would you honestly be okay with your husband coming home and casually saying 'by the way darling we are moving to Cardiff/London/Edinburgh/dublin'?

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 10-Apr-16 17:23:15

Maybe he didn't want to say he was applying incase he didn't get it and it caused a big row over nothing?

I still don't understand why you just went along with it, though. Why did you feel you had to give up everything and move on his say-so? confused

incandescentalright Sun 10-Apr-16 17:23:41

Well you didn't/don't have to leave your job/move just because he got the job. I don't think it was incumbent on him to talk to you before he applied, though it doesn't say much for his level of communication that he didn't. There's no point having a serious conversation until there's a job offer imo. At the point he got the job offer you should have discussed it and decided if it was right for you all. But it's worrying that you felt like you didn't have a choice when he decided you should move if that's what happened.

curren Sun 10-Apr-16 17:24:43

No I wouldn't be happy.

But if I was leaving my job anyway and it meant he could have a job he really wanted. I would do it.

But if I wasn't happy I would have voiced it at the time. Before we moved and decided if this was a deal breaker.

I wouldn't have moved and kept on getting angry about it.

TiredOfSleep Sun 10-Apr-16 17:25:21

I think it wasn't totally unreasonable to apply without telling you, but once he was offered an interview he should have discussed it, and certainly not accepted without a long discussion.

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Apr-16 17:25:31

If you weren't happy about it, why did you go? Did you not say anything before he accepted/you moved?

JennyOnAPlate Sun 10-Apr-16 17:25:59

Presumably you could have said no to moving?

Abed Sun 10-Apr-16 17:28:20

Have you already moved?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 10-Apr-16 17:28:47

I agree it should not have come as a complete surprise, once he was offered an interview surely that would be the time to talk to you about relocation.

piebaldponies Sun 10-Apr-16 17:29:14

I guess I could yeah, I suppose I was BU smile

PPie10 Sun 10-Apr-16 17:30:17

But you went along with it so you only have yourself to blame. The time to speak up was way before you moved not now after you made the choice to do so.

scallopsrgreat Sun 10-Apr-16 17:32:22

Why did you feel you couldn't say no piebald?

But no I wouldn't expect my partner to come home and tell us we were moving. He was being completely unreasonable and dictatorial.

curren Sun 10-Apr-16 17:33:08

What's was the conversation when he told you?

anyoldname76 Sun 10-Apr-16 17:34:48

It seems like you both need to work on communication. if you didnt want to move you should have said so.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Apr-16 17:35:31

You're very unclear, OP!

Did you know he was applying for that job? If he applied secretively, then of course it's wrong, but if you knew he was applying and agreed it was fine for him to do so, then it's fine.

You haven't told us enough for us to be able to make a decision.

allegretto Sun 10-Apr-16 17:35:51

OP I sympathise! We were planning on moving abroad for a six month placement a few years ago. DH applied for a position at work without telling me which meant that we had to stay in the country for three years (and basically could no longer go abroad even afterwards as DS had started school). I only found out because a friend congratulated me on his success envy TBH it felt like a major betrayal and I still haven't really got over it - hope you can.

LunaLunaLovegood Sun 10-Apr-16 17:37:12

Eh? If DH came home and said 'I've got a new job and we're moving house' I'd say 'no we aren't'.

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