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To think it was not my DM's place to comment?

(82 Posts)
crunchymummy Sun 10-Apr-16 15:27:10

Ok so after having DS by EMCS, me and DS were in hospital for three days. DP and DM took turns staying with me during the night and both DM and DP visited me every single day and spent as much time as possible with me, DM even took annual leave to be there and drove the 4 hour journey between where I live and where she lives. When it came to the day we were discharged DM had just spent the night with me and DS and we weren't expecting to be discharged on that day so it came as a surprise, I told DP who was very pleased we were coming home. DP doesn't drive so the original plan was that DP would catch a ride with his mum and dad who were visiting me at 1pm and DP would then stay on the night, but we were discharged at 11am so obviously no visit from DP's mum and dad at 1pm. My DM can drive and the obvious answer to me and DP was that DM would drive me and DS home and stay the night round at my house but DM was not happy with this and thought that DP should get taxi or catch a lift of someone because he should see me and DS come out of hospital, this was her idea as I was MORE than happy at DP staying at home and making sure everything was clean and tidy for our arrival back home. DM commented to say, "I can't believe he's not going to see his son out of hospital." and rolled her eyes, it doesn't sound more than an innocent comment but the tone she said it was implied that DP was lazy and a bad father for not being there, when both me and DP were perfectly happy with the arrangement of I come home with my DM (we were discharged and could leave straight away) rather than DP catch taxi, catch a lift of someone, as DM would have to drive back to ours anyway, and DP stay home and make sure everything looks good.

- AIBU to have told DM that it is not her place to comment?

acatcalledjohn Sun 10-Apr-16 15:30:34

YANBU. If the people concerning the situation are happy with their decision that is all that matters. To intimate, even if it was her tone only, that your DP in her eyes is a bad partner/father reflects rather badly on your DM only.

rookiemere Sun 10-Apr-16 15:30:44

YANBU but firstly congratulations and secondly if this is your first then get ready for the next 18 years of people thinking they have the right to openly comment on your relationship and all aspects of your parenting simply because you have a DC.

Just ignore her or indeed comment.

DonkeyOaty Sun 10-Apr-16 15:31:22

Did you have a private room at hospital? Amazed you were allowed to have people staying overnight at hospital!

acatcalledjohn Sun 10-Apr-16 15:32:51

Congrats by the way!

curren Sun 10-Apr-16 15:34:58

No she shouldn't have done. But given she was probably knackered after all she had done since the baby was born I would let her off. She may not have usually have said something, but wasn't at her best and opened her mouth without thinking.

For some people it is a big deal. To her is probably is.

How long ago was this?

crunchymummy Sun 10-Apr-16 15:35:12

rookiemere Hahaha yeah good point! It's funny how everyone likes to share their opinion on everything just because I now have DS

DonkeyOaty I did have private room after the first night, the first night (DS born at 0:01) we were just in the communal maternity bed area where you pull the curtains to get privacy! My DM and DP were my birth partners and noone ever told them they shouldn't be there so I'm assuming they were allowed to stay! smile Only on the chairs though, no bed for them smile

TheSolitaryWanderer Sun 10-Apr-16 15:36:05

Bloody hell, she's done a lot for you already!
Staying overnight in hospital (confused why?) visiting every day, driving for hours and hours.
And all you can think about is that she's wrong to say DP ought to see you out of hospital? That's your decision, not hers, but cut the woman some slack, she's probably knackered taking care of you.

MadamDeathstare Sun 10-Apr-16 15:38:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Apr-16 15:39:47

YABU, I think she just thought it was a tradition thing for the Dad to be there.

Let it go.

crunchymummy Sun 10-Apr-16 15:40:06


My DP and DM stayed overnight mainly because I had a C-section and couldn't get out of bed for the first two days/nights so wasn't easy looking after DS - but also because DP and DM wanted to be there for me and DS smile

Babymamamama Sun 10-Apr-16 15:40:58

She certainly has done a lot for you. I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. She isn't a taxi and I don't doubt going forward you will want/need more of her support for baby sitting or whatever. So it might be best not to escalate this into anything more than it is.

TheSolitaryWanderer Sun 10-Apr-16 15:43:21

YANBU to think it's not her place to say anything about anything to do with you, the baby or your DP at all ever.
But to say it, after she's been running ragged to be there for you?
Are you and DP going to expect her to be supporting you this intensively over the next few months and years? Are his parents involved?

bittapitta Sun 10-Apr-16 15:43:57

You are totally and utterly overthinking this. But that's okay as your mind goes a bit wobbly with a newborn especially on such little sleep! Don't give it another thought though please.

Guitargirl Sun 10-Apr-16 15:46:04

I am also amazed that they were allowed to stay overnight. Visitors were kicked out at the hospital I gave birth in at 9pm, C-section or no C-section. It's not really fair on others in the ward to have visitors, especially men, staying overnight.

You must be very tired. Your Mum too. It's an emotionally fraught time. Don't say anything to her.

DropYourSword Sun 10-Apr-16 15:48:33

I totally get where you're coming from if you and your DH are happy with the arrangement.

BUT I also totally get where she's coming from too. To a lot of people it's a big deal and one of the first milestones to leave the hospital and they would be very surprised for a Dad not to be there unless he really really couldn't make it.

228agreenend Sun 10-Apr-16 15:52:09

I think she probably assumed that dh would want to witness ds's first big trip. It's not worth worrying about. It sounds like she's been a real help to you,miso dwell on this instead.

Out2pasture Sun 10-Apr-16 15:52:19

Congratulations. Your mom is obviously very supportive, but after all that she has done its amazing she only made one off comment. She deserves flowers.

Italiangreyhound Sun 10-Apr-16 16:00:09

bittapitta has it right "You are totally and utterly overthinking this. But that's okay as your mind goes a bit wobbly with a newborn especially on such little sleep! Don't give it another thought though please."

But for the record I'm on the fence here.

It wasn't really her place to comment on this so YANBU but you don't sound very grateful your mum has done so much for you.So on that front YABU.

My mum can't drive and had to be brought to me to see our new baby in the hospital. She was not in any position to help or drive me anywhere or do anything. It was not a problem as my dh drives but I think sometimes people assume mums will be around and available to help and they can't always be.

Like DropYourSword I get where you are coming from but I also get where your mum is coming from. The drive home from hospital with our new baby in car seat and blanket was so lovely. It was special. I think your mum had your best interests at heart and you need to be a bit kind to her, especially as you may need favours from her in the future.

And if the birth was recent you would be better placed to sleep now rather than to take offence about what your mum said or did, I think she had your best interests at heart. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. smile

lem73 Sun 10-Apr-16 16:06:45

Your dm has done a lot for you. Let this one go.

Headofthehive55 Sun 10-Apr-16 16:10:15

She obviously felt you needed her to stay overnight, as by your own admission you couldn't lift baby easily etc. She perhaps felt your DP was not looking after you very well to allow you to go home on your own! I would feel it's not sensible to go home on your own in a taxi if you had needed help the night before.

DonutSpeakToMe Sun 10-Apr-16 16:11:34

You're mum sounds like an amazing mum. I really don't think you should be annoyed at her.

GoblinLittleOwl Sun 10-Apr-16 16:14:26

Concentrate on your baby and recovering, and be thankful you have such a supportive mother.

TiredOfSleep Sun 10-Apr-16 16:20:44

I think it's more that leaving the hospital is a memorable milestone and she was surprised your DH didn't want to be there, rather than he's lazy.

GabiSolis Sun 10-Apr-16 16:26:50

I think you are probably overthinking this. And yes, given how utterly wonderful your DM has been to you I think YABU to have commented anything to her but "thanks for being there".

Depending on how snarky you were with her, you may owe her an apology. At the very least you need to appreciate more how much she did for you.

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