I don't think IABU about not going to this wedding

(71 Posts)
Obliviated Sat 09-Apr-16 22:25:28

DP has a family member getting married in the summer (not a sibling or parent) and we have been invited.

It's 3 hours away by train, and we would need to go the night before to have any chance of getting to the ceremony on time, and stay the night of the wedding too, so 2 nights away. It's also speciality clothing that would need to be hired or bought, and we'd be buying a gift, food and drink are paid for by us too.

Its to expensive, 2 adults and 3 children on a train is £220, a family room in a B&B for two nights is close to £200 and that's without the extra costs. One of the Dc has SN and wouldn't cope with the travel very well. I will also be heavily pregnant. Plus, it's two weeks after our family holiday and a week after Dc's birthday, we just can't afford it.

Even if Dp goes alone and stays for one night, it's £110 travel and £140 hotel. Plus clothing, gift and food/drinks. I've tried looking for cheaper hotels but it's holiday season in a very popular place, and there's not much to be found. Tbh even just the cost of the train fare is to much.

I really like the couple who are getting married and I would love to see them, their wedding sounds like it will be amazing. We just can't go though. Very kindly they offered us some money towards it, we hadn't said we couldn't afford it but I think they realise that it's going to cost a fair bit. Even so, it's just to much.

I feel like the bad guy in saying no. Dp is disappointed, but it's me that does all the budgeting and he seems to think that money grows on trees. We don't have a lot of money but I save up and shop carefully, I'm saving for our holiday spending money at the moment, I've nothing spare to save up for the wedding.

SirChenjin Sat 09-Apr-16 22:28:28

Nope, not unreasonable. If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Clankboing Sat 09-Apr-16 22:28:37

Just send them a present and card. It isn't just the cost is it?

Northernlurker Sat 09-Apr-16 22:31:17

Three hours on a train and a family room etc will be miserable when heavily pregnant anyway. It's nit unreasonable to politely decline.

Oooblimey Sat 09-Apr-16 22:31:34

If it was one of your family would you feel the same? Is it one of those occasions where all the family are in one room so its about more than the wedding?
If you really really can't afford it the no you're not being unreasonable.
But if you can save enough for DH to go on his own to see all of his family at a family celebration, personally I would want him to go even if it meant I couldn't go too.

ProseccoPoppy Sat 09-Apr-16 22:34:47

I don't think that you're being unreasonable. I ducked out of a family wedding just because I was massively (8minths) pregnant last year and because it included a full two hour mass largely in Latin, although it would almost have been worth going to see my atheist DB's face, my DM knew but didn't warn him I do think your DP's lack of grasp of your family budget is pretty U though, is there a reason he doesn't help with the budgeting (as then surely he'd understand the budget constraints)? The couple sound LOVELY btw.

FreshHorizons Sat 09-Apr-16 22:36:52

I don't see that you have the choice-YANBU.

Misswrite89 Sat 09-Apr-16 22:43:42

YANBU. Would it be an option for your DH to drive up there on the morning of the ceremony, stay for the wedding breakfast and then maybe head back during the evening do?

Obliviated Sat 09-Apr-16 22:51:15

The couple are brilliant, it sounds like it will be a day to remember, its a civil service so no mass thankfully! The rest of the family are great too, I fell on my feet with them, very down to earth, friendly people. I think we will be missing a fun weekend.

Apart from the money, which I can't see myself being able to save, not with the holiday and birthday party we've booked, my Dc will be a nightmare. He won't be the only child there with SN though so that's anticipated and no one will think anything of it (except me who will be the one dealing with the meltdowns). It's one of the reasons that I feel especially guilty, he isn't Dp's child, but they made a special point about the whole family being welcome and how they were looking forward to seeing everyone. Which is really lovely.

I would send a gift and a card, but apart from borrowing money (for Dp to go alone,I wouldn't borrow money for us all to go) I just can't see how it's feasible. I would be hugely embarrassed about asking for money just for him, it would still be around £300.

I don't know why dp doesn't take more interest in the budgeting side of things. I was a single parent for so long that I automatically do it. Everything goes into and out of my bank account and I do it all online, its never been enough of an issue to change anything.

Bogeyface Sat 09-Apr-16 22:52:33

8 months pg
SN child who struggles with travel
Cost of train fare
Cost of rooms
Cost of clothes

All of these reasons are good enough on their own to not go, add them all together and it would be insanity to go!

228agreenend Sat 09-Apr-16 22:53:46

£220 on the train. Have you got a family railcard? That will reduce costs. Also, go on Trailine to get reduced train costs.

Sometimes it's cheaper to reduce the costs by splitting the journey. Ie. Ashford to Birmingham, then Birmingham to Chester rather then Ashford to Chester (examples of splitting, haven't actually checked costs).

Are there any premier inns or travel lodges within a easy reach of the wedding venue? These are far cheaper, or look at some of the cheap hotel sires. My husband has got some really good deals through these such as hotels.com or budget rooms.com

228agreenend Sat 09-Apr-16 22:55:01

Alternatively send a nice present and card.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 09-Apr-16 22:55:40

The special clothing would be enough to make me say no.

Exactly what are they providing?

IthinkIamsinking Sat 09-Apr-16 22:56:26

YANBU
Card and a gift would suffice in this case.

FuriousFate Sat 09-Apr-16 22:58:42

I live overseas due to DH's job. The one thing I will not miss is family weddings - they're just too important. This meant an eight hour flight with two under three last summer and the same again twice this year. There's another wedding next year (siblings and first cousins, so close family). Some things just can't be missed.

Can you find a way to afford what you need to? Online surveys, change your shopping habits, move your mortgage to a cheaper rate? Our flights cost a small fortune but by being savvy, using offers and airmiles/points, we make it as cheap as we can. Also - if people have offered you money as they want you to be there, they clearly really want you to be there. Take them up on it! PILs paid for our flights one year (a long time ago) when we had less than we do now. I don't feel bad about it. They have way more money than us and genuinely take pleasure in using it to make other people's lives easier.

AbernathysFringe Sat 09-Apr-16 22:59:48

It is just a day. After it has happened it will be forgotten by all but the bride and groom and their parents. People go insane when it comes to weddings. Send a meaningful present and a card. Not worth the financial strain or stress when you're 8 months pregnant.

NoCapes Sat 09-Apr-16 23:00:16

Being heavily pregnant is enough reason not to go

Added with all the other reasons it is a no brainer!

Obliviated Sat 09-Apr-16 23:01:22

Premier Inn was the hotel we were looking at, I think it's the location that's pushing the prices up plus the time of year. We would miss out on some of the event by staying away from the venue but I would have anyway as the Dc are under 5 and wouldn't enjoy a late noisy night.

Changing trains could work although my SN child would really struggle. Which means I would struggle. I'm going to speak to their dad about swapping weekends with him but I will probably have more luck getting blood out of a stone. I don't have a railcard. Dp does as he gets the train to work but I think it's within a certain zone. I will get him to look into it though, it would come in handy for days out anyway.

It's a regency weekend. How amazing does that sound.

Chinesealan Sat 09-Apr-16 23:03:17

DP could go on your behalf. See if you can budget for that.

Obliviated Sat 09-Apr-16 23:05:32

Maybe I could go on his behalf grin

BigGreenOlives Sat 09-Apr-16 23:06:41

You can buy a family railcard, you can even use Tesco club card points to get it on a discount. The fares are much cheaper, have a look, you don't need to input the rail card's number when you are buying a ticket, just need it on the train itself.

FoundNeverland Sat 09-Apr-16 23:06:41

Is there any reason that your DH can't go alone?

PennyHasNoSurname Sat 09-Apr-16 23:07:09

As it is dps family.member I do think he should be there if he wants. Id stay behind with the dc as it all sounds costly and a lot of hassle.

As he would be going alone could he room share with another so guest / family member or crash on someones couch? If the bride and groom are staying at the venue maybe he could use their house (I had three couples crash at mine the night I got married!)?

Similarly as he would be travelling alone could he get an early train there? Or Megabus the day before as it is silly cheap.

Obliviated Sat 09-Apr-16 23:10:18

Just the cost FoundNeverLand. I would happily be rid of him for a weekend, I think I will need it after spending two weeks on holiday with him and all the Dc wink plus, he doesn't get enough time with his mum as it is, so that would be nice for them both too. It would still cost a small fortune for him to go alone though. Maybe he can sell (one of his) a kidney.

Thanks for the rail pass information. I will definitely look into that.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sat 09-Apr-16 23:13:03

Family railcard is brilliant.

I would say let DP go on his own and look to bunk up with other family to cut costs, or even get a lift with to save on rail costs (one person is much easier to accommodate).

If it were my family, I would want to be there and if it were DH's, I would expect him to want to go.

I

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