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AIBU for 2 reasons

(86 Posts)
ButtofaMonkey Sat 09-Apr-16 20:33:09

DH's Dad died this week 18 years ago.
DH has been acting like a prize prick for the last few days. He does this every year. Then when I call him on it, he says "don't you know what the date is" and I'm supposed to go "oh darling I am so sorry, of course it's the anniversary, do whatever you like"? I'm fecking sick of it.

Yesterday he went to the pub after work, despite telling me that he would be home in an hour, leaving me unable to do something that I had promised a friend I would do (I had the kids and could not have brought them with me to do this favour). He got home sometime around 2am. He was aware of the errand that I needed to run.
Today when I called him on it he shouted at me, called me a cunt in front of our 7 yr old, as well as calling me fat, stupid and a control freak. So I packed up and left with said 7 year old, am in a hotel, very much enjoying the peace.

There was an event planned for this evening in our house, which I was supposed to cater for, I'm sure he will order pizza or something - but I am feeling bad that I didn't show up to meet some of the people there, who I like and respect. I am sure that he will tell them some bullshit excuse re why I'm not there, but I don't want them to think that I didn't show up for selfish or invalid reasons.

So 1. would I BU to contact those that I would consider friends to tell them why I wasn't there so he doesn't tell them some bullshit about my selfishness/ rudeness?
and 2. is he BU for treating me like shit for several days and then telling me it's because he is grieving for his dead parent? He doesn't just behave like this when it's a close relative's anniversary by the way, but I'm sure you've sussed this.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 09-Apr-16 20:35:31

Your friends will be fine.

Instead you need to think about leaving the bloke who calls you a cunt in front of your child.


ILikeUranus Sat 09-Apr-16 20:39:18

He's a shit. YANBU for calling him out on it and refusing to let him gaslight you about it this time.

RunnerOnTheRun Sat 09-Apr-16 20:42:04

He's grieving and you call him a prize prick & he calls you a cnut in front of children.

You are both BU.

ButtofaMonkey Sat 09-Apr-16 20:43:13

Runner, he has been acting like a prize prick. I acknowledge that he may be grieving. I did not call him names in front of the children.

ButtofaMonkey Sat 09-Apr-16 20:44:40

Genuinely Runner, I don't have experience of having a parent die, is grief really an excuse so many years later? I know what I think.

Oysterbabe Sat 09-Apr-16 20:48:19

Yanbu at all. He's a complete wanker.

IthinkIamsinking Sat 09-Apr-16 20:48:44

I still think of and miss my dad many years after he was killed. People deal with grief in different ways. Maybe he felt you were not being particularly kind or empathic because, as you said, it has been quite a few years. You sound very impatient with it all TBH. That said, he shouldn't have called you names.

NeedACleverNN Sat 09-Apr-16 20:48:54

I get around an anniversary of a death the grief can come back and hurt to almost as much as it did when they died

But that does not give him an excuse to be a complete douche

lostincumbria Sat 09-Apr-16 20:49:02

Rubbish, runner. He's an adult and a father himself, he's using "grief" as an excuse to be a selfish dick.

Grilledaubergines Sat 09-Apr-16 20:50:01

I read the first part of your post and thought, well some people do find anniversaries really hard.

Then I got to the bit calling you a cunt and my sympathy for your H was nil. No excuse at all, just none.

No don't contact your friends as it'll just mean a barrage of 'are you ok' texts. Use your time in the hotel to think whether this situation is one you want to continue with. Let your H sort the guests out.

RunnerOnTheRun Sat 09-Apr-16 20:53:56

Using names like that is NOT acceptable, I never said it was. Grieving people do weird things, give him space. I'd expect a huge apology.

tickory2 Sat 09-Apr-16 20:56:14

18 YEARS ago? Good grief, what a prize bellend he is, utterly self centred, rude and nasty. I'm sure your friends will see through any half baked excuse he gives them and will probably hope you are ok.
Good on you for not sticking around.
I hope you and your ds are ok.

VelvetSpoon Sat 09-Apr-16 20:57:32

He's behaved badly.

But you are clearly very lacking in empathy to not understand that someone would still grieve for a very close relative on the anniversary of their death. Wouldn't that be obvious? hmm

Your husband must have been quite young to lose his DF 18 years ago. My mum died 22 years ago. I am a mess on the few days around her anniversary each year. The passage of time makes the day to day easier, but not the actual anniversary; if anything that becomes harder over time.

HeddaGarbled Sat 09-Apr-16 21:00:01

No amount of grief excuses calling your wife a cunt and fat and stupid, whether it's in front of their children or not.

RunnerOnTheRun and IthinkIamsinking, I know this is AIBU and it's Saturday night but really?

OP flowers

ButtofaMonkey Sat 09-Apr-16 21:01:18

I get that the grief never really goes away. I see my Mum cry every Christmas because she misses her Mum and Dad, who died over 20 years ago and were elderly.
It's the abusive behaviour that gets me. Why not tell me that he is feeling grief and anger or sadness, frustration, helplessness, loneliness - whatever it is?
It's just an excuse IMO. angry

But DC and I are having a lovely time and lots of cuddles, we had a dinner date earlier, my other DC is visiting friends so also having a great night. smile

Crabbitface Sat 09-Apr-16 21:02:34

I don't think I could get back from my husband calling me fat and stupid...let alone a cunt. Grief is hard. I personally don't even remember anniversaries but I do think of my dad everyday. I know people who have to take the day off for anniversaries and just take themselves to bed - but however hard people find it, it's never an excuse to treat other people badly. YANBU for leaving. It's your call whether or not to contact your friends and tell them what happened.

tickory2 Sat 09-Apr-16 21:03:10

I disagree Velvet, he's using the anniversary as a wallowing fest. If he is genuinely still grieving after all this time anf finds the anniversary so hard he needs to talk to his dw about it, not give her a load of abuse.
I lost my df when I was young, anniversary of death just a date.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 09-Apr-16 21:03:14

His grief is not an excuse for his behaviour towards you. It's completely unacceptable.

ButtofaMonkey Sat 09-Apr-16 21:04:04

So Velvet, when you are having a hard time dealing with your grief, do you call your partner names in front of your children, drink to excess, ignore your responsibilities? I completely understand, yes his parent died very young by today's standards, I get that, but that's no excuse to be abusive.

SurroMummy13 Sat 09-Apr-16 21:04:44

Sorry I'm on the fence about this.

He shouldn't have called you names, does he do this often?

Also, you shouldn't have called him names, do YOU do that often?.

In regards to the grieving. My nana passed away 22 years ago. I was 3.5yo at the time. Around a week before her anniversary of death, until about 4/5 days later, my mother is inconsolable even now. She cared for me, did the basics around the house but she was grieving. Her and my father argued more during this time every year (mainly due to her being emotional) and that is the way is always has been.

People grieve in different ways. If he's not like this all the time, if he's a good father and a good husband at all other times than this, allow him this time to grieve.

I understand that you may feel like it was 18 years ago, but as I said everyone grieves differently. Just allow him this time to be selfish and grieve. But tell him although you are trying to understand, the name calling and nasty behaviour towards you and your children will not be tolerated.

BUT if he's like that all the time, the name calling, being nasty and selfish, out for himself and such, then yes I completely understand and I wouldn't stand for it.

RubbleBubble00 Sat 09-Apr-16 21:07:02

If he behaves like this every year he's a prize arse. Yes it may be hard so he should prepare - go away for couple of days, tell you that he won't be available for anything ect. There is no need to be abusive. How is it every acceptable to say those things to your partner, even more so in front of a child

cosytoaster Sat 09-Apr-16 21:09:42

It's nothing to do with grief and everything to do with being a twat.

CalleighDoodle Sat 09-Apr-16 21:11:42

Tbh id leave him. He is clearly using this to be a grade A nob. You said this is not unusual throughout the year either. Go home and throw his nasty ass out.

Crabbitface Sat 09-Apr-16 21:12:47

So what next.... if he is ill is it ok to call them names, if he loses his job is it ok to give her a thump. IT IS NEVER OK TO ABUSE YOUR PARTNER.... not even when you are grieving. I am currently trying very hard to hard to teach my two year old that it isn't ok to hit, or tantrum when she's feeling angry or sad but it is ok to cry and ask for cuddles. It's a lesson most of us learn as kids. buttofamonkey I think if he is this affected by grief and he wants to keep his family he needs to think about addressing his problem with dealing with it with a grief counsellor. There are loads out there and many are just a call away.

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