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To not want to attend my own birthday party

(21 Posts)
MarbleFox Sat 09-Apr-16 01:16:37

Ok, so it's not a traditional birthday party but my friends have organised a night out to celebrate my 21st tomorrow, my birthday is actually on Monday but I suppose that's not really relevant or important. We're going for a few drinks in a number of bars and then heading back to my friends house who is hosting everyone for my birthday.
I know that it's lovely they've organised a night out for me, they've all been telling me how excited they are and I genuinely appreciate the effort, kindness and thought they've put into organising it. Whether I want to or not tomorrow I'm definitely attending as I would never let them down in that way.

To minimise drip posts I'll mention that the reason I don't want to go is my ongoing mental health issues. Even with the massive progress I've made I still find it difficult to be in large groups even when those are compromised of friends. There's that and the fact that I'll be travelling an hour away from home for the night out and I'm not looking forward to the train journey home the next day hungover grin

getyourfingeroutyournose Sat 09-Apr-16 02:18:24

Yanbu. Yanbu. Yanbu. Yanbu!

You are dealing with something that essentially makes you a warrior. Scuse the cheese over here but you make me proud just reading this.

I have GAD and depression. On here, I am not afraid to talk about such things due to the level of anonymity but it's so much harder in public to admit for so many reasons.

Are your friends aware of these things? Do they realise that big groups aren't your thing?
If you trust them enough it might be worth pulling them to one side and saying "Sorry for going all serious but I've been dealing with some MH issues recently and I wanted to appreciate all of your support for me etc. I have been struggling with dealing with socialising in big groups but I'm here and I love that you organised my birthday for me. If I act in a way that seems hard to read or in any way like I don't want to be here, it's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that my head is trying to wrap around the situation I'm in and it's adjusting."

and in the meantime, keep taking baby steps to get yourself out there and eventually your brain will become more and more comfortable with the idea of being out and about and doing things it currently doesn't like. Don't push yourself too far and if you start to feel overwhelmed in any way shape or form, take a step back and take a breather. I hope you have a good birthday smile

GraysAnalogy Sat 09-Apr-16 02:56:07


And I'll let you into a secret, at your exact age my friends did the same to me and I just wasn't ready. I went for 2 hours and was miserable throughout and had to put on a face. I left. I just bloody left and I felt awful but I got the train to my DP and we had a night in where I felt comfortable and enjoyed a birthday celebration I actually wanted.

Even though it's short notice I would cancel, you can say any reason you like. You're not bad for doing that because you are ill. Just not the sort of ill some people accept easily.

Just on another note have you ever told your friends about your mental health? It might help if you could confide in someone who could sort of act like a buffer to prevent things like this. Plus you always need a friend when going through something like this.

I hope you feel okay soon. Its a long road but it does get better flowers happy birthday

happyhearts7 Sat 09-Apr-16 03:04:16

Happy 21st for Monday MarbleFox flowers

YADNBU!! You really should tell your friends about your MH. I suffer from depression and also hate big crowds, also in the past 6 months I have become really ill and can't leave home for long periods of time (on a good day a couple of hours is the absolute most) I can't eat any food when I'm away from home either. Anyway my DH and best friend informed me they are having a 40th party for me next year hmm At the best of times I'd hate it hate being the centre of attention I've warned them both no party but am now living in fear of my birthday next year already.

MarbleFox Sat 09-Apr-16 11:24:56

Thanks for the birthday wishes and lovely messages of support everyone smile flowers

My friends know about my MH issues and for the most part are very supportive and understanding but as none of them (to my knowledge) have any significant problems of their own I think it's difficult for them to fully get their head around how I feel sometimes. It's not through ignorance or lack of compassion but more that they just have no comparable experiences IYKWIM?
While no ones came out and said it I suspect they've organised quiet drinks at bars early in evening when they won't be so crowded and then back to my friends house with my issues in mind as they know I really can't handle clubs but they love them!

The last train home tonight is at 11pm and I warned them last week I may end up getting it depending on how I feel. They were totally understanding and insistent as it's my birthday I can do whatever the hell I want grin

MarbleFox Sat 09-Apr-16 11:27:15

That's rubbish that you're dreading your own birthday, happy. Hopefully they both take your feelings into consideration and don't bother with the party, it's your birthday after all and you should be able to enjoy it however you like x

Pinkheart5915 Sat 09-Apr-16 11:29:06

Happy 21st for Monday flowers

As they know about your mental health, go along for a few hours and then if you feel uncomfortable just say thank you for a nice evening but I feel I need to go home I sure they will understand.

coralpig Sat 09-Apr-16 11:35:53

YADNBU- if you don't feel you can handle it then cancel.

Allow yourself a carte Blanche to leave when you want to, knowing they will understand.

ILovePies Sat 09-Apr-16 11:38:44

They sound like lovely understanding friends. You are very lucky smile
My friends who have never suffered MH issues just did not understand my feelings at all.
YANBU to feel the way you do, but I would still go if I were you. You may really enjoy yourself! And if you don't, then you can always leave. Hope you have a wonderful birthday xxx

coconutpie Sat 09-Apr-16 13:42:31

I would cancel.

MarbleFox Sat 09-Apr-16 14:36:15

They are lovely friends and I'm definitely lucky to have them considering I've heard of people's friends completely cutting them off or being insensitive and deliberately ignorant about their mental health issues sad

mamas12 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:41:59

How about going with someone on the train so you have company?
Happy 21st!!!

Pipbin Sat 09-Apr-16 15:48:16

I have no MH issues and I am very glad that I have got to the age where I can say that I can't be bothered with birthdays. I hate it.
It was my birthday a couple of days ago and we had a few friends round of pizza and beers. In bed by 11.00.

I have not been a fan of birthdays since I was about 20. There is so much expectation that you have to do something.

BroughtmyownBag Sat 09-Apr-16 16:03:43

Marble I'd say go if you can, as it is great to face down a challenge like this, as getyourfinger says. But don't drink too much. I find drink usually makes my anxiety worse the next day.

happyhearts can you sieze the initiative and ask for something you would like? Tell them you are craving a really grownup /intimate celebration and ask for a posh meal.out or even a weekend away if that's something you'd enjoy. Quite a lot of people do do that sort of thing instead of parties.

Arkhamasylum Sat 09-Apr-16 16:08:49

Your friends sound nice. YADNBU, though. And happy birthday from me 🍻

happyhearts7 Tue 12-Apr-16 21:50:22

Hope you enjoyed your birthday MarbleFox the way you wanted it smile

Broughtmyownbag what I really would have liked was just a meal in a beautiful local hotel for just DH & our DSs and maybe my BF & her family too (our 2 families are very close). My own DM & DB wouldn't be interested in a meal out so it wouldn't bother them at all.
Unfortunately though with being ill I can't eat away from home anyway so I might just have to stay at home wink

MarbleFox Tue 12-Apr-16 22:20:54

Thank you Happy flowers It was a very calm and quiet night but very enjoyable, I'm glad I went!

If you stay at home then make sure you're lavished ink takeaways or your DH's cooking grin

FlyRussianUnicorn Tue 12-Apr-16 22:25:12

Massive pat on the back for you for deciding to go no matter what. It takes courage.

I was suffering from MH over my own 21st. It was shit. I wanted go be able to go out and have a laugh but realisticly even if I had the friends to do it I wouldnt of been able to.

Happy birthday. Hope you have a great time

BroughtmyownBag Tue 12-Apr-16 23:00:06

Very glad to hear that MarbleFox, sounds perfect! Bit more birthday cake for you smile

BroughtmyownBag Tue 12-Apr-16 23:01:03

...and Happy - you can still say what you'd like best of all, can't you, even within your constraints? flowers

whois Tue 12-Apr-16 23:06:45

Great update! Glad you had a nice evening :-) Well done for going.

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