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To not buy a wedding present

(42 Posts)
ZenNudist Fri 08-Apr-16 20:23:55

For an overseas wedding?

My male df is getting married in an expensive place overseas. The dc are 2 and 5 and are not invited.

It is costing us lots more money than our usual holiday and we are taking family as babysitters whilst we go away.

Not to drip feed but we also got married abroad (but we were clear people didn't have to come) and didn't mind that those who did come didn't get us presents.

This df did get an invite to come to our wedding abroad but I phrased it as no obligation and had a party at home as well. He didn't buy us a gift for that either. I noticed but didn't mind.

I have known him for 20 years. He is very tight fisted. So is she.

So I was never intending to buy a gift given the extra £2,000 the holiday has cost above our usual holiday budget. Dh and I have also been invited to and paid for expensive stag dos (they are having 2 each! ) We went to one stag each at a total cost of £500! I declined the hen do invite as it was getting on for another £300!

They have now emailed us with a gift list. No poem 😁 but also none of the usual 'don't feel obliged to buy us a gift' preamble. Instead it says "some of our friends asked about gifts so we set up this gift list. Or John Lewis vouchers welcome!"

Aibu to send them a card with a nice message and omit the gift. Or do I have to spell out why no gift?

AmusingMinnie Fri 08-Apr-16 20:25:42

Just give them a card, I wouldn't think twice about it. Your gift is going and sharing their day with them.

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Apr-16 20:32:01

You weren't one of the people who inquired about gifts, so feel free to ignore...
Why do people insist on having their "dream" wedding when it comes with a £2000 price tag for their guests? hmm
and then have the balls to distribute a gift list and claim it's due to popular request

AdrenalineFudge Fri 08-Apr-16 20:35:42

I'd just get them a card and have done with it I wouldn't even be going at that expense but you don't need to spell out why you haven't bought them a gift.

gamerchick Fri 08-Apr-16 20:37:51

Why do people expect guests to fork out for these things? If you want a wedding in far flung places you pay for the whole thing hmm

No no present, I wouldn't.

Fratelli Fri 08-Apr-16 21:33:33

I'd send a card with a nice message in. 2000 is more than enough! I would also put money on the fact that nobody has actually asked for a gift list!

ZenNudist Fri 08-Apr-16 22:39:26

I'm not knocking them getting married abroad per se (cos I did that). I don't expect them to spring for my holiday. I don't even mind they've not appreciated that it's shitty not inviting the kids as I don't mind going to a wedding without dc even if it means bringing family on holiday with us. I'm knocking them asking for a gift.

Thank you for validation. I'm waiting for the posters who say I should just cough up for a gift and let it go. Dh says he's happy to reciprocate with the gift df got us at our wedding 😀

I'd never normally go to a wedding and not buy a pressie so this feels wrong and I feel worse now they've said they're expecting gifts. I can't tell them what I think so i'm bitching here.

Laughing at the idea that they haven't been asked for gift list.

OwlinaTree Fri 08-Apr-16 22:42:01

I wouldn't buy a gift. We went to a wedding abroad, and just gave a card. The 'gift' was us going all that way!

glowfrog Fri 08-Apr-16 22:45:58

So they are both tight fisted but don't mind asking people to spend money on them?

Am sure your friend has many qualities or you wouldn't be friends after all these years but frankly - fuck 'em.

Roseberrry Fri 08-Apr-16 22:46:01

Dont give a gift if you don't want to. There were a few people that didn't give us gifts but less than a year later I can't for the life of me remember who they were. I'm sure they'll get over it.

ZenNudist Fri 08-Apr-16 22:55:23

We had a big party but not fancy when we got back to the UK lots of free food and drink. Plenty of people didn't buy us gifts. I say i didn't mind but can't help that I do however remember a lot of them. I remember the generous people too who bought us gifts even though they didn't come.

I like this couple (obviously) but when they first said they were getting married abroad I assumed I wasn't going to be invited and was disappointed to miss out on the last wedding of my oldest friendship group. So when they invited us I was dumbfounded and we kind of agreed because they asked very earnestly. I spent about half a year stressing about the cost and the inconvenience as it's not a child friendly area at all.

Now we are going I'm mainly glad we get to say we're doing this. I just want to be a better well wisher for my friends. I want to be generous and the bigger guy, but instead I am being petty. Im glad it's understandable to that most dangerous beast - the mumsnet Aibu forum!

Mooey89 Fri 08-Apr-16 22:58:05

Is it Maui??

Windsofwinter Fri 08-Apr-16 22:58:26

I'm getting married abroad next year. We have invited a few close friends and family, I would not be offended if they did not get us a gift as their presence is more than enough.

ZenNudist Fri 08-Apr-16 23:01:31

Glowfrog has hit the nail on the head.

I was very peeved about the multiple expensive stag/hen dos. I'm sure they only did that because they could get 4 (pricey) weekends away / nights out paid for by others. It was all luxury activities as well, at least on the hen. Discussed this with df and he was really blithe about his gf's hen plans. Just no awareness that they were spending other people's money at a great rate.

I've planned hen dos and attended many several years ago now. Keeping it to a reasonable cost was really high priority. People didn't have tons of cash to splash on a hen do then, especially as there were lots of them.

andadietcoke Fri 08-Apr-16 23:07:19

YANBU at all. I had a traumatic trip to a family wedding last year. DH is a teacher and it was term time so couldn't come. Coping with 1 yo DTs was not a relaxing trip. I was a bridesmaid and burst into tears just before walking down the aisle as one twin was having a lying down tantrum on the floor and the other wouldn't let go of me. I still don't think my sister realises what a lonely miserable week I had.

EweAreHere Fri 08-Apr-16 23:14:41

May I ask, why are you spending holiday time and so much money going? They don't sound very nice...

ZenNudist Fri 08-Apr-16 23:26:43

Ewe, they're not nice about money, but they're fun, we have things in common, we can chat to them for a long time, they make an effort with us when lots of people don't. Just it's one of those long standing friendships where I've frankly always been wound up about money. Dh is very generous df is not. It gets annoying and wedding had brought out utter worst in them.

Df had even sacked off his oldest female friend for the wedding. Absolutely crushing her. All because his gf didn't know her well. I've not got over that yet.

We just have so many funny stories going back years about his legendary tightness and now he's marrying someone as bad.

But just because they're tight doesn't mean they're not good fun.

Mind you we originally said yes when we thought they were buying a house near us and we kind of thought we'd have many years of them being quite close. I know that's a backwards way of looking at things. They aren't moving now. Which is good as I don't think it would have been good for the friendship.

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Apr-16 23:30:35

They had four hens / stags, all funded by the guests?? They sound obnoxious, actually. Why on earth are you allowing them to commandeer your annual holiday to attend their wedding?

EweAreHere Fri 08-Apr-16 23:31:06

Fair enough. I hope you and your family have a nice time on the trip.

I will remain in the 'your presence is present enough' camp for the trip. smile

PastaLaFeasta Fri 08-Apr-16 23:31:15

The email reads to me as giving an option for choosing a gift/giving vouchers rather than asking for them. I like having a gift list to choose from, makes life easier and some people will want to buy a gift regardless of them asking. No present should be fine and understandable, although I may have bought a cheap but thoughtful token gift - photo in frame/small trinket box/guidebook for their honeymoon.

It's surprising you are going with the cost and effort involved. I'd give it a miss and expect the couple to understand, especially with having kids.

biscotti2016 Fri 08-Apr-16 23:32:22

Fuck no.

I normally give about £50-60 (or equivalent value present) to friends at their weddings.

A recent wedding I gave nothing. My reason was that bride had asked me and my DC to be part of the wedding party. My dress was provided; outfits for my DC were not (which cost me over £200 and couldn't be worn again). She'd also said she would put us up at the venue the night before, then at the last minute (actually about 5 days before) decided she couldn't afford it, leaving us to either spend another £150 or do a 3hr journey the morning of the wedding. I'd also spent £40 on table decorations for her, which I never got back. I certainly wasn't buying a present as well after all that.

WonderingAspie Fri 08-Apr-16 23:34:22

Oh dear. They don't sound the best of friends if you think them moving near you would cause trouble for your friendship!

Don't buy them a present. I bet no one has asked them and this is their way of telling people they are expecting presents despite the extortionate costs to attend a fucking wedding!

😁 at maui! Did that thread get resolved? I can't find it!

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Fri 08-Apr-16 23:36:42

It sounds like a Maui wedding to me grin

arethereanyleftatall Fri 08-Apr-16 23:37:37

I would buy a gift. The cost of a gift will be a tiny percentage of your overall cost, so u would just grit my teeth and get one.

Ywnbu not to buy a present. Maui grin

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