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To be annoyed by by DH attachment to young female colleagues

(23 Posts)
Awomanacatandtwodogs Fri 08-Apr-16 18:24:41

Back story: DH has always put his career first. He is a grafter and a good provider. He is also very kind and good company....however due to his work obsession we haven't been on holiday together or weekends away for 8 years. I am annoyed by this and he is aware of my resentment. He also works away part of the week and very long hours when he works in nearby office. Consequently we spend very little time together.

He has just changed jobs recently due to promotion and he showed me his leaving cards. 3 of them were from young women in their 20s ( he is 55) and the cards all said how wonderful he was, one said he had an inspirational personality& she couldn't imagine working with anyone so fantastic, another one signed off with her personal mobile no saying she hoped he would stay in touch and put about 20 kisses. Yesterday he told me they wrote "we love Mr awomanwithacatandtwodogs" on the office white board and one of them phoned him yesterday to and told him no one was allowed to wipe it off.

AIBU to feel angry at the level of time and attention he has given his female work colleagues when he gives me hardly any over the last few years?

wigglebum84 Fri 08-Apr-16 18:39:45

Would you rather he didn't have any friends at work and not talk to anyone?

I think it's rather lovely that they all think so much of him.

GeorgeTheThird Fri 08-Apr-16 18:41:39

No. How is your relationship when you do spend time together?

BolshierAryaStark Fri 08-Apr-16 18:44:18

I think simmering resentment is unhealthy for a relationship & as such it's time for a frank conversation.
No holidays or weekends away for 8 years is fucking ridiculous tbh, not something I would be happy with nor tolerate. You need to decide what it is you want from him then tell him in no uncertain terms.

SingingTunelessly Fri 08-Apr-16 18:46:05

I can understand why you would be a bit pissed off tbh AWoman. Almost like he gives all the best bits of himself to work and you're left with the tired, stressed out, left over parts of himself. flowers

Redbindippers101 Fri 08-Apr-16 18:47:12

It doesn't necessarily mean he's been shagging them or other women while he's been away.
Mind you , if he's good company with you he's likely to be the same with others.

TubbyTabby Fri 08-Apr-16 18:48:22

i would be very, very unhappy about this.
he needs a good talking to.

and i'd go on holiday on my own and leave him to it. then maybe think about a separation while i'm away.

Sunnybitch Fri 08-Apr-16 18:50:49

I think it's lovely he's thought so highly of smile why is it such a problem that these girls are in their 20' you honestly think they are after a sugar daddy or something?

Awomanacatandtwodogs Fri 08-Apr-16 18:52:20

Wiggle of course I want him to have friends. It was a big office and there were a lot of people to talk to. My issue is he obviously lavished them with time & attention which he doesn't do to me. He has an eye for young women which he's not very subtle about and I suppose I feel old and overlooked.

George, I enjoy his company if we spend time together and he's not constantly looking at his phone.

Bolshier yes I hate feeling this way. I'm not a bitter person & I'm pretty laid back. We've had many conversations. He acknowledges he has a poor home/work balance and says he's going to change but never does.

Awomanacatandtwodogs Fri 08-Apr-16 18:54:48

Tubby I do go away with friends but I'd like to go away with him too. I'm reluctant to force him into going away with me if he doesn't want to

Awomanacatandtwodogs Fri 08-Apr-16 18:56:04

Singing thank you , you've got it spot on. I get the dregs

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 08-Apr-16 18:56:45

My issue would be that he clearly invests a lot of time into his job, and his working relationships and he has proven incredibly popular. At the expense of his family life.

This is who he is. Why sit around not on holidays? Just get on and book one!

Helenwiththebigmelons Fri 08-Apr-16 18:57:56

Aurgh, sounds a bit too on the friendly side to me. I wouldn't like it.

In my opinion, a woman should not be passing on personal contact details to a married/partnered man - unless of course it's for work purposes only.

Honestly though, I don't think it sounds as if there's anything more to it than a charmer. If he is great company to you, he is like this to others.

I don't think I'd bring this up defensively to my OH, since there's no background - but that's just me.

Awomanacatandtwodogs Fri 08-Apr-16 19:01:16

Penny I'm going on three holidays this year but not with him. You're right he invests most of his time and energy in his job at the expense of our marriage

mumofthemonsters808 Fri 08-Apr-16 19:07:49

He might just be a great boss or colleague. I remember working for a male boss years ago and he was just a great guy, I did not fancy him, and he did not fancy me, I just respected him. I enjoyed being managed by him, he was excellent at managing people. Many years later and umpteen bosses down the line and whenever I hear the word good boss, he springs to my mind. If at the time, I sent him a card, I'd say something similar to what has been wrote about your bloke.He has probably not given them attention at your expense, he's just built some good relationships, outside of his home life and is probably admired and respected by his colleagues.Id rather be with someone like this, than a Husband who had bullied and intimidated everyone who worked for him and made their life's hell and was regarded as a horrible bastard.
I'd try to not be fixated on what you believe you have missed out on and be grateful that this decent man is your Husband.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 08-Apr-16 19:08:51

So he's a man of empty promises when it comes to you? Time for him to start thinking about you for a change, if not what is your next move? Cards on the table maybe as at the moment you aren't his priority & that just isn't on

RunswickBay Fri 08-Apr-16 19:09:26

I understand you feeling like that. He's investing more in work than in his marriage.

RunswickBay Fri 08-Apr-16 19:12:38

I had a great boss too. Really really well liked by everyone. I really respected him - and professionally he is absolutely top of his game. He was a crap husband though.

Sadly his marriage eventually broke down when he got together with a young female colleague.

Do you have dc? How much does he invest in them?

Lucyccfc Fri 08-Apr-16 19:17:20

When my old Boss left (we are a similar age), I wrote lovely things on his card and also keep in touch with him. He does some consultancy work for my current company.

He was the kindest, funny, most inspirational boss I have ever had. I did not and never will fancy him though. He's a great bloke who was a fantastic boss.

I think YABVU. Jealousy is not a positive emotion nor is it attractive. Use your positive energy to get your relationship with your DH back on track.

AnyFucker Fri 08-Apr-16 19:29:30

Ugh. He sounds a bit if a creep, tbh. Currying favour among women young enough to be his daughter

Did many men sign his cards in a gushing manner ? Give him their personal number ? Tell him they will never forget him ?

I would not be ignored in my own marriage. You are far too tolerant, IMO and I expect on the outside that people feel rather sorry for you. Not a great position to be in, tbh

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts Fri 08-Apr-16 19:37:49

My last boss was lovely and we've kept in touch. There is absolutely positively 100% nothing funny between us at all - we are polar opposites and I have met his wife! He's just a very nice bloke and was a really good manager; I miss him and wish my current boss was more like him.

However in your case it sounds like there is no balance. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your H, which outlines your unhappiness and sees you both agree a strategy for change. If this doesn't happy then you need to have a good think about whether you want to stay in this marriage or not.

228agreenend Fri 08-Apr-16 19:39:42

I wouldn't worry about the comments. People always write flattering comments in cards. Makes a change from "all the best for the future".

However, you do need to get his work-life relationship on track. Start planning things together, even if it's a walk in the or try or drink at the pub. What is he doing on the phone - playing games or texting people. Maybe have phone-free evenings.

EweAreHere Fri 08-Apr-16 19:53:06

If he just changed jobs, why did he not take a holiday with you between jobs?! And if the promotion was in-house, he could have said he wanted a break before he started the new position. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't think YABU. Time is love and you're not getting any.

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