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AIBU?

To still be co-sleeping?

81 replies

StuRedman · 08/04/2016 11:44

Ds2 is 4.7. He has his own large bedroom but has always, bar a very few nights, slept in our bed.

It's not a problem for us, but it seems to be a problem for everyone we know. We get so much well meant advice on how to 'sleep train' him but tbh we've tried a few times and he just ends up distressed. He will occasionally go to sleep in his bed but then comes into ours later.

Is anyone else co-sleeping an older child? I assume he will eventually migrate into his own bed and won't still be with us when he's a teenager, but who knows?

OP posts:

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chandelierswinging · 08/04/2016 11:47

We don't actively co-sleep anymore as DD (6) can and will sleep in her own bed, but she regularly migrates to our bed at different times in the night. I also revert to co-sleeping when the eldest is unwell too (9). Makes life so much easier!

UmbongoUnchained · 08/04/2016 11:47

I co slept till my daughter was 18 months, then she decides o her own she wanted her own bed. I always thought the same as you about them out growing it but then my friends mentioned that her 12 year old still sleeps in her bed and I thought that was a bit extreme. I guess some of them don't grow out of it.

NewNameNotTheSame · 08/04/2016 11:49

I assume your partner shares your sentiment? If it has no effect on your relationship and everyone is honky dory then crack on, it's nobody else's issue.

Sirzy · 08/04/2016 11:50

Ds is 6 he goes to sleep in his room but rarely stays there all night!

ThirtyNineWeeks · 08/04/2016 11:54

Not my idea of an independent, happy sleeper but you did ask.

ohforfoxsake · 08/04/2016 11:55

My DD sleeps in my bed every night. It started when her dad left and her sister went into her own room. It bothers everyone else more than me.

Trouble is she is 8 and I have no idea how to get her into her own bed now. As a working lone parent of 4 DCs with no support I haven't the energy so tend to think 'fuck it, she won't be sleeping in there when she's 15'.

I think with hindsight I should have tackled it. Now I just can't be arsed. We co-slept when she was a baby, and she has always shared a room. She hates being on her own at any time. .

EX tells me I'm an irresponsible parent because if it. But he's a massive twat.

FuckSanta · 08/04/2016 11:58

Not my idea of an independent, happy sleeper but you did ask.

WTF?

StuRedman · 08/04/2016 11:59

DH probably loves it even more than me, whenever we've put him to sleep in his own bed DH is all 'aww I miss him cuddling up'.

OP posts:

tanukiton · 08/04/2016 12:03

I am in Japan. Here co sleeping is the norm. If it works for you go with it.
Just don t tell anyone, it is non of their business. Personally i had night terrors as a child i have vivid memories of how bad it was. i was made to sleep by myself. Do what works for your family.

Fink · 08/04/2016 12:10

Does it matter to you or not? That' all that counts. What matters to me, for example, is that dd goes to sleep on her own in her own bed so I can stay up until I'm ready to go to bed and am not imprisoned from 7pm. The fact that she then often comes into my bed in the middle of the night doesn't really bother me except for her bloody snoring

I've found it goes through stages, anyway. DD will quite often go through weeks at a time in her own bed and then go through days or weeks when she comes into mine every night. She never co-sleeps with anyone else (dad, grandparents etc.).

It works for us and I don't care about what anyone else thinks.

blobbityblob · 08/04/2016 12:13

We had huge problems getting our dd to stop. It did start to affect us negatively in that she was big and wriggly and waking me up several times a night and it had gone on far too long.

You think it doesn't affect your relationship with your dp, but in all honesty I'd say it has for us. It's just the lack of alone time more than anything. She was with us (usually sat in between us) 24/7.

Dd was hugely resistent to stopping when younger. We spent weeks sometimes putting her back to bed, sitting in the room sometimes, sitting outside on the landing (where more than once I eventually fell asleep and she just walked over me and got into bed with dh).

She was probably 8/9 when I just got nasty with her I'm afraid to say. We'd tried rewards, bribery, repeatedly putting her back. It just didn't work. In the end I got to the end of my tether. I'd had nearly 10 years of never having a full night's sleep and feeling exhausted.

I just went no tolerance and told her I'd be putting a lock on her door and ours if she didn't stop because it was making me ill. I also told her she would be going on no sleepovers and no school residential trip until she stayed in her own bed every night. And that I would take a pound out of her money box for every night she entered our room before 7am. (I was desperate by then).

She is by nature a stubborn dc - one who fought sleep, wouldn't eat, wouldn't potty train (even though she was dry day and night, she refused point blank to use a potty or toilet). She still refuses to hold a knife and fork in the right hands now. You have to wait with her until one of her peers makes fun of her, only then will she decide that she'll do what everyone else is doing. She is currently refusing to learn her times tables, because she "doesn't need to". I'm not that worried because when she feels she needs to (e.g. gets demoted a maths group), she'll learn them overnight. But nothing we do/say will make it happen.

Anyway, she pretty much did it overnight then - which made me think she could have done it 6 years earlier no problem at all. She had no nightmares and was not distressed. She just much prefers to snuggle up to someone warm, a bit like a cat and she doesn't like to be left out of a party. I'm quite sure when she's a student she will be the last one to go to bed because she won't want to miss anything.

My advice is to bite the bullet now and not let it drag on. Mine would still be in our bed at age 10.5 if we hadn't managed to stop her. As they get older they need to be more independent. It's a real shame if they can't go on the school/scouts residential trips. One or two of her friends are in that position now.

CarrieLouise25 · 08/04/2016 12:20

DS co slept till 5 and he's an excellent sleeper now. DD co slept until recently, she's 5 now. Only because DS2 is now here but she's happy in her own bed. Am loving co sleeping with my newborn.

Do what is right for your family. I think children need that reassurance.

I love sleeping with DH for cuddles and feeling safe. Why is it different for children? Why do mummy and daddy get to share but the kids get put in their room alone?

People will always judge. You either don't tell them or be prepared to answer firmly that you're not after a solution as there isn't a problem.

Enjoy your children. This time goes so fast x

OvO · 08/04/2016 12:25

My youngest is 8 and we still share a bed.

He has his own bed and if I ask he will sleep in it happily. We both like sharing though. He's a great wee boy, happy and confident - so anyone with a negative opinion is roundly ignored!

HappyAsASandboy · 08/04/2016 12:25

I start the night with three children in bed (5 years, 5 years and 1 year); we snuggle for stories and then they fall asleep in our bed.

When DH and I go to bed, we carry the big ones to their own room/beds, where they might sleep for the rest of the night, or they might come back in to us at some point. The 1 year old stays with us.

Do whatever works for your family and ignore any advice. What works for different people varies and what people see as 'ideal' varies too - the only problem should come if you want something different to what you're doing!

sofato5miles · 08/04/2016 12:28

We Co sleep and are not hippy ish in the slightest. Drives my neighbours bonkers.

sofato5miles · 08/04/2016 12:33

Constantly getting raised eyebrows and snide remarks about sorting out sleeping. Dcs are 4 and 5

Dbsparkles · 08/04/2016 12:34

My eldest (almost 5) always starts off in his bed but will come in to our bed at some point about half the time. It's gradually decreasing, so can see him stopping at some point, but I've never actively tried to stop him. I've always loved it when he comes in really! Couldn't care less what everyone else thinks!

BrianCoxReborn · 08/04/2016 12:34

DD slept in my bed until she was 5. I was single and had a double bed so no problems.

She's 12 now and the idea of sharing my bed horrifies her.

DS is 3 and he refuses to sleep in his room. It's not a huge problem apart from when OH stays over a few times a month, my bed is too small for all 3 of us. Isn't a problem when we stay at OH's as he has a huge bed and is happy to share.

squashtastic · 08/04/2016 12:35

I wish my kids would stay the fuck in their own bed, but if you're happy with it I can't see the problem.

mrsmugoo · 08/04/2016 12:35

If it's not a problem for you then it's not a problem!

How do all these other judgemental people even know what your sleeping arrangements are?!

Flossiesmummy · 08/04/2016 12:36

Our Dd just sort of stopped. She's three and probably stopped at around 2.10

magratsflyawayhair · 08/04/2016 12:37

Ignore the judgey people and do what works for you. Just don't talk to them about it. My daughter started sleeping in her bed when her brother came along. He's never been all that fussed by co sleeping. As soon as he had his own space he was happy! Each child and family is different. I miss my snuggles.

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witsender · 08/04/2016 12:42

My daughter is 6 and she is often in with us. As is the nigh on 4 yr old. Gets cosy at times!

ScarlettDarling · 08/04/2016 12:42

My dc have never spent a night in my bed although they sometimes hop in for a snuggle in the mornings if we're feeling lazy. But I don't see why anyone would have a problem with you co sleeping. It's not how I choose to do things but it works well for you and your family, so where's the problem?

Just don't tell anyone and you won't have to listen to their advice! Enjoy your snuggles!

SongOfTheLark · 08/04/2016 13:00

DS is nearly 5 and although I put him to bed in his own bed every night he comes to find us in our bed every single night without fail. He is autistic and a terrible sleeper wherever he is so I'm reluctant to rock the boat even more. People I know have various opinions about this but as theyre not the ones living my life and DP's on very little sleep they can do one.

As long as you and your OH like your set up to hell what others think

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