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dh or i

(17 Posts)
crazydil Thu 07-Apr-16 23:36:30

Hi all. I've actually signed up just to ask this question, however i've been on this site for quite sometime now.

I would genuinely like to know wether ibu or if its my husband.

We got married 6 years ago. And i can honestly say my mil has been beyond horrible. I have honestly tried my best but she would constantly complain about me to my husband or manipulate a situation in order to make me look bad, or generally be nasty to me. My husband would then either ignore me completely for approximately 2 months. Then we would talk about it and he would agree his mother is in the wrong, but in the same breath would ask when i plan on visiting her next. I have distanced myself from her gradually. A few months ago there was a death of a very close relative of mine who i loved and cared for very much and it just broke me. My mil was horrendous and disrespectful and i ended up losing it at her. My husband was furious and as usual sided with her and showed me how furious he was with me. I was ready to end the marriage.

We have two young children. I dont want them to go to her house without me. I dont trust her. If she can't hurt me im worried she will try to hurt me through my children. She has no bond with them at all.
My husband thinks im being extremely unreasonable. Im more than happy for her to see them in a public place (ill also be there) ie a play centre etc.

darbylou Thu 07-Apr-16 23:41:07

If you've got a husband who completely ignores you for two months at a time I think you have bigger things to deal with than where you let your MIL see the kids.

Topseyt Thu 07-Apr-16 23:44:00

It sounds to me as though your husband and his mother really come as a job lot. You won't get the one without the other, or not for long anyway.

I don't know enough about your MIL to really judge her, but clearly all trust has gone and your husband isn't on your side. I doubt if there is a way to work around that.

gamerchick Thu 07-Apr-16 23:44:43

Why are you tolerating being ignored for months? That's pretty extreme confused

crazydil Thu 07-Apr-16 23:45:55

Sorry. I should have added that hes changed alot. A few years ago i was about to walk away due to his passive aggressive behaviour. So thats dealt with. Hes still jerk, only in regards to his beloved mother.

He knows shes wrong. Yet still sides with her. If the coin was flipped. He would never accept this treatment.

CockacidalManiac Thu 07-Apr-16 23:46:55

It's said enough on here to print it on a tea towel, but you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Pettywoman Thu 07-Apr-16 23:51:59

Why do you put up with your DH treating you like that?

crazydil Fri 08-Apr-16 00:05:58

Topseyt, you've pretty much said what ive been thinking all along . This will never work out....sad

We have, what i would say is a pretty much perfect relationship. This is the only flaw.

miraclebabyplease Fri 08-Apr-16 03:34:53

I would leave as my oh should have my back.

Maybe write down what she does. Ask him to read it and ask him how he would feel if your dcs future mils did it to them. Would it be acceptable?

TowerRavenSeven Fri 08-Apr-16 03:49:01

Perfect relationship? He ignores you for two months but 'other than that' it's a perfect relationship? That's like saying 'Other than that Mr. Lincoln, how was the play?'

Unfortunately blood is thicker than water. This will not end well.

PPie10 Fri 08-Apr-16 06:54:27

I honestly can't understand women who claim this perfect relationship except for one issue. No your relationship isn't perfect, it's far from it and you are in denial. He sides with his mother regardless, that is a pretty huge problem. Time to wake up to that fact.

leelu66 Fri 08-Apr-16 07:31:51

YANBU. I think you should trust your instincts when it comes to your kids.

Has your DH stopped giving you silent treatment/ignoring you? Even if he doesn't talk to you for a few days (rather than 2 months), that is still passive aggressive behaviour.

How did he 'show you' he was angry with you?

It's great that you've managed to distance yourself from toxic MIL. You're not obliged to play happy families with someone who is nasty to you.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo Fri 08-Apr-16 07:48:45

What do you mean he showed you how furious he was with you? That struck me as a very worrying line confused

Silvercatowner Fri 08-Apr-16 07:58:50

OP I am one of the very lucky few who actually does have the (almost) 'perfect relationship' with OH - married 30 years, soul mates (etc etc). OH would never, EVER have ignored me - for two months??? And he would never, EVER 'show me how furious he is with me'. I wonder whether you are so sunk in a relationship that is less than perfect that you have lost sight of 'normal'.

LineyReborn Fri 08-Apr-16 08:00:38

I thought that. It sounds like he attacked you.

NicknameUsed Fri 08-Apr-16 08:03:15

I agree with what everyone else here has said. It sounds like both your poor excuse for a husband and your MIL are manipulative bullies.

A husband should be on his wife's side not his mother's. If he is still under her thumb I'm surprised he was mature enough to get married.

Your problem is your husband, not your MIL.

Janecc Fri 08-Apr-16 08:08:53

The woman sounds very nasty and she has likely brainwashed him. I imagine he seems unwilling to fully acknowledge her behaviour because to do so would be to defy her and I expect this will feel extremely unsafe. I expect he has no concept of this as he was trained from the moment he came out. My mother is a narcissist. My brother the golden child. Me the scapegoat. My mother rejects every horrible character aspect in herself and projects it on to me. My brother can do any awful thing he darn well pleases. Me, I'm just awful from A to Z. Anything nice I do is ignored or forgotten. Any behaviour from childhood she deems inappropriate (I'm 44) is still berated. It looks like this woman has chosen you as the scapegoat. Totally agree with you about supervising visits. She started on my DD (7) recently. I nipped that one in the bud I assure you but I wouldn't trust her!

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