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To have expected a gesture to say thank you

(26 Posts)
SandlakeRd Thu 07-Apr-16 18:26:48

We are just on the way back from a cottage holiday with DP and the PILs. We booked it with the PILs and due to limited availability we ended up with one spare bedroom. We knew the cost and were happy to pay as th cottage was otherwise perfect.

At the last minute DPs cousin asked if they could come. Obviously enough room at the cottage and there was also no room in the car so no problem. The cousin is a really nice lad.

Cousin contributed to the shared costs etc during the break. We did not formally ask for a money towards the cottage as we had paid anyway but I had hoped he may offer to pay for a meal as he got a v cheap holiday. He is earning a decent wage (more than me and lives at home!) so money not an issue.

So we all left today and he did say thank you but that was all. No gesture or contribution. Given we had already paid for the cottage and not asked for anything AIBU to think he could have made a gesture of thanks?

Shallishanti Thu 07-Apr-16 18:30:11

so, he said thank you and contributed to the costs, and you didn't ask for anything?
what more do you expect?
you had already paid for the cottage, I think YABU

TalkMeDownPlease Thu 07-Apr-16 18:32:25

Don't give something as a nice gesture if you expect something in return. You offered a room for free, not with strings attached, he's not a mind reader. Makes it into not such a nice gesture if that's going through your mind.

MackerelOfFact Thu 07-Apr-16 18:32:38

If he contributed while he was there and said thank you then YABU a little I think. If you wanted something towards the cost of the accommodation you should have made that clear upfront. If it really wasn't a problem with him coming then there shouldn't be an issue really.

Personally I'd have given you a gift though!

IthinkIamsinking Thu 07-Apr-16 18:33:46

You said he contributed to costs while you were there. YABU and a bit petty.

lougle Thu 07-Apr-16 18:33:59

YABU - it hadn't cost you anything to have him there and he paid towards the cost of daily living. Unless you said 'yes you're welcome but the coast will be...' how was he to know?

WorraLiberty Thu 07-Apr-16 18:34:45

I wouldn't have expected that from family, no.

Sirzy Thu 07-Apr-16 18:37:03

If you had wanted him to pay towards it you should have made that clear at the point of him asking to come.

He said thank you and he paid his way whilst away so yabu.

bakeoffcake Thu 07-Apr-16 18:41:48

As long as he said thank you I wouldn't have expected anything else at all.

Mind you, if this were me getting the free room, I would have paid for a meal out or bought some extra special bits for everyone. But I wouldn't expect that from anyone else.

LynetteScavo Thu 07-Apr-16 18:43:57

*Cousin contributed to the shared costs etc during the break.

If you wanted him to contribute towards the cost of accomodation, you should have said.

He verbally thanked you - did you want flowers too? confused

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Thu 07-Apr-16 18:45:06


He contributed to costs and thanked you, and was no trouble to have join you

If you wanted more you should've said so

Sunshowercap Thu 07-Apr-16 18:46:20

I think if it had been me in your cousin's position, I'd have offered at the point of making the arrangements. Just said, "I'd like to make a contribution to the cottage hire"

So I don't think you are BU. But I suspect you'll just have to let it go.

VenusInFauxFurs Thu 07-Apr-16 18:47:17

YABU. He contributed to costs. He didn't take the piss. He said thank you. He's a "really nice lad".

That's enough, surely?

And it's not like you're never going to see him again. He may well reciprocate some way in the future in a "Don't worry I'll get this, you paid for that cottage earlier this year" way.

Not that you should necessarily expect that either. But that's more likely how my mind would work.

AugustaFinkNottle Thu 07-Apr-16 18:54:32

I think at the very least he should have taken you out for a meal or bought you a present.

Idefix Thu 07-Apr-16 18:56:14

Thank you is a gesture, it personal expression of gratitude... yabu.

SandlakeRd Thu 07-Apr-16 19:09:46

Ok - I am being unreasonable and petty! I just thought if I was the cousin I would have offered to pay for a meal or something like that in recognition of a benefitting from a v cheap holiday. We went somewhere he really likes hence him joining us.

Hassled Thu 07-Apr-16 19:16:16

Oh I think he should have done something - saying thank you is nice and all, but it doesn't really cut the mustard here, does it? Not in the face of a free holiday. A bunch of flowers or a pub lunch or something wouldn't have gone amiss.

bornwithaplasticspoon Thu 07-Apr-16 19:21:04

I wouldn't have expected anything other than shared costs as the room was spare, however, I agree a small gesture of thanks would have been welcome. Was he generally helpful with the inlaws/kids?

He may well thank you in another way in the future, if you need a favour etc

Itinerary Thu 07-Apr-16 19:22:17


MrsDeVere Thu 07-Apr-16 19:22:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle Thu 07-Apr-16 19:22:52

I find it pretty amazing that so many people think that it's fine to take a holiday worth a few hundred quid and do no more than contribute a bit to day to day costs. Would all of you seriously not think that you should offer at least to take your hosts out for a meal or buy a present for them?

SandlakeRd Thu 07-Apr-16 19:36:24

i would have been annoyed had he not contributed his share of the "kitty" but he did so that is fair enough. Also I don't expect him to pay his proportion of the total cost of the cottage. We also hired a car so we could all travel together. Again there was space so we didn't ask for any money.

I will let it go as we had a good time but if I were in his position I would still have paid for a group meal at the end of the holiday.

Owllady Thu 07-Apr-16 19:44:11

It sounds like you have been very generous smile but it doesn't sound as if anyone has behaved badly
In future I'd be a bit more explicit about contributions or just bugger off without them!
I do get how you feel though, we have family gatecrash (without invite) our holiday every year and they do give us cash etc but I'm expected to cook, wait on them and look after my children etc. It irritates me a bit. Especially as I got quite drunk one year blush and they all went on about what a bad mother I was confused

sooperdooper Thu 07-Apr-16 19:45:06

Yabu - if you wanted him to contribute more you should've said so upfront.

Don't offer something with strings attached but be annoyed when you haven't communicated what those strings are!

JuxtapositionRecords Thu 07-Apr-16 19:45:51

A meal for 5 (?) of you would be pretty expensive though, in some cases the same cost of his portion of the cottage hire.

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