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or is this partly my fault? Feel ashamed and violated

(162 Posts)
hollytiger30 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:34:34

My boss followed me into the staffroom after my shift today, grabbed me and said he'd always wanted "to fuck me" , he then kissed me and put his hand on my breast.
I've worked for him for 5 years, he's in late 20's, I'm 40, he's married with kids, I am too. Nothing has ever happened before, although he acts like a horny 18 year old half the time. .I just laugh it off and ignore it as I had no idea it would be directed at me.
There is always flirty chat among a few of us in work, we've all worked together for years, I've been there for 12 years and a few of my colleagues have been there the same or longer, nothing ever sexual, just banter, helps to cope with the stresses that work can bring.
I was so shocked when he did this I (obviously )pushed him away and asked what the he'll he was doing. He said I was a cock tease and he knew I wanted it..as I was flirty with him.
He must have seen I was shocked as he then said "suit yourself, your loss" and walked out, leaving me feeling shaky and to be honest upset..I can't tell my husband as he will kill him and besides I feel like a slut, I know I haven't done anything but I do feel that maybe I brought this on myself.
Surely I didn't ask for him to approach me like that, grabbing my breast,kissing me and thrusting himself like that, the thought of that bulge in his trousers against me makes me feel like shitty.
I'm dreading going in to work tomorrow. .I want to run away..or confront him and tell him what a fucking prick he is, but I can't. He could make life very difficult for me and I need this job. Have had a bath (and a bit of a cry) now I hate myself. .feel ashamed. .I know he thinks I'm easy.
Has anyone ever been through something like this?
Sorry for long post, thanks for reading.

EnglishFern Wed 06-Apr-16 21:35:24

It's sexual harassment. Do you have an HR department? You should report him.

bonzo77 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:36:48

It's also sexual assault. You could go to the police.

LIZS Wed 06-Apr-16 21:37:19

It is harrassment at best, sexual assault possibly. Speak to hr asap and make a complaint. Report to police if no positive response.

WonkoTheSane42 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:37:28

It's not just sexual harassment, it's sexual assault. I'd report him to the police if it was me, not just HR.

BubbleandSqueeeek Wed 06-Apr-16 21:38:23

It's not your fault, DO NOT blame yourself. He's a complete slime ball with no social boundaries and a clear streak of arrogance. How dare he manhandle anyone in that way. Write down exactly what happened, how it made you feel and report him to your HR team immediately.

WonkoTheSane42 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:38:34

Oh, and NO it is absolutely not your fault. 100% not your fault. He is responsible.

PuntasticUsername Wed 06-Apr-16 21:38:54

This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything to invite this assault, and harassment. He's an entitled, abusive wanker.

coconutpie Wed 06-Apr-16 21:39:25

I would report to HR AND the police. Tell your husband, it was not your fault flowers

Solongtoshort Wed 06-Apr-16 21:40:12

Shocking behaviour. I hope you do have a hr department and use them. This is not your fault it's the fault of a man who has no boundaries.

Junosmum Wed 06-Apr-16 21:40:57

Definitely not your fault. Report him to the police and to hr. Tell hr you've reported him to the police. It's not on.

EnglishFern Wed 06-Apr-16 21:41:06

Sorry yes, sexual assault too - you are all correct of course blush

leelu66 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:41:57

It was not your fault, hollytiger. flowers

Flirtation and banter does not make you a cock tease. Please don"t blame yourself.

I would urge you to to speak to your HR team. Hopefully they will fire him.

MrsPigling Wed 06-Apr-16 21:42:49

You have done nothing wrong. Tell your husband and report to the Police. I wouldn't be going back to work until it had been reported to HR either. You shouldn't be put in a position where you have to work with this man again.

hollytiger30 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:43:17

I can't. My husband will go mental and my boss will make it out to be my fault. I can't lose my job. I've been asking myself if I have ever given him any indication that I wanted this..and I NEVER have. But I still feel like maybe I asked for this. Hate men right now.

LittleRedSparke Wed 06-Apr-16 21:43:42

" besides I feel like a slut, I know I haven't done anything but I do feel that maybe I brought this on myself"

Why and How?
You're not a slut if someone assualts you
You didnt send him an invite saying "please come and feel me up"?

so no - you shouldn't and no you havent

70isaLimitNotaTarget Wed 06-Apr-16 21:44:01

Eurgh definately HR at least, Police too.

I wonder (not to deflect blame) does he watch pornography.
He sounds like a 'storyline' actor from a porn film <<yuk>>

FirstWeTakeManhattan Wed 06-Apr-16 21:44:48

You have done nothing wrong. Tell your husband and report to the Police

Yep. Good luck OP.

coconutpie Wed 06-Apr-16 21:45:55

Regardless if you had done flirty banter with him, that did not give him the authority to sexually harass you. You will not lose your job.

LIZS Wed 06-Apr-16 21:46:45

I'd bet you are not the first nor would be the last unless you report it. So what if he denies it, he is relying on you to keep quiet angrywhy would your h not support you ?

hollytiger30 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:46:47

There is no HR team, family run business, he is the son. If this came out I would be the bitch..chasing after him.

ImperialBlether Wed 06-Apr-16 21:47:00

The easiest thing is to report it to the police. If you'd come on to him, you would be embarrassed after, not calling the police. You have to tell your husband - the last thing you need is for him to think you've hidden this.

lillybloom Wed 06-Apr-16 21:47:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this and you were not at fault. are you in a union? if you don't want to go to the police you can contact them for support, also it might be worth talking to a friend, relative if not your dh.

FirstWeTakeManhattan Wed 06-Apr-16 21:47:41

I can't. My husband will go mental and my boss will make it out to be my fault

OP, you've been sexually assaulted. You must feel so shaken and upset, but he cannot get away with this.

Please tell your husband. You need his support.

ImperialBlether Wed 06-Apr-16 21:47:42

Oh Holly, of course you wouldn't. If you were, why would you be complaining?

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