To think I must be missing something?(33 Posts)
Me and DH have one DS who is nearly 2.5 years. He is a very much wanted little boy who we adore. He's funny, cute and intelligent and brings us a lot of joy.
However, I had a horrendous birth experience which finished up with me having an emcs under GA and a double blood transfusion. DS was thankfully perfectly fine.
The first few weeks were tough as I was recovering from the cs and wasn't well. We both found the first 18 months hard as DS didn't sleep well at all.
Now, he eats well, sleeps well, is loads of fun and getting more independent. He loves attending nursery while we work and has lots of friends there. Finally, the last few months, things feel generally much easier.
However, many of our friends are now having second children and very much looking forward to it.
I on the other hand would rather stick pins in my own eyes than have another baby and go back to the sleepless nights, weaning, bottles etc. I would also have to have an elcs if I had more children and the thought of more major surgery doesn't appeal.
I'm also at a good point career wise now. People say 'it will be hard but so worth it', 'second children just fit in' and so on but I honestly don't feel it would be worth the stress to have another thankfully, my husband is happy either way so no.pressure there to have another one!
Am I missing something? I honestly feel a bit weird when I think it just wouldn't be worth the hard work another child would cause and I don't want to disrupt our life now it's getting easier.
Does / has anyone else feel like this? That no matter what, they just couldn't do it again? Or am I officially odd?
You are not. Or if you are, then so am I.
Strike that. We are both odd. Or so EVERYONE says! Unfortunately my DH is set on a second 😬
There is a good 'only having one child' section on MN - & no, YANBU.
They are your feeling so they are valid. There is no law that says you have to have more than 1 child. If 1 fits for you then that fine.
You may not get quite the same experience next time though. I had an ELCS and it was so chilled out and easy. It would be very different to what you went through the first time around so I wouldn't base my choices on that alone.
However if you genuinely don't want to bring another child into the world, then there is nothing wrong with that.
I had an easy natural birth and swift recovery.
I still don't want another child (ds is 2.5).
Sometimes I feel like society wants us to have another child to be a sibling to ds but that doesn't really seem the best reason to bring a new person into the world.
You want another child? Go for it.
You don't? Absolutely fine.
You do what is right for you and your family.
I keep being told that DD needs a sibling - she has 2, my dscs adore her and although 10 & 8 years older than her they are very close. She has siblings.
I would sooner pluck my own eyelashes out than have another child. I had a very easy birth, epidural, 40 mins pushing and she was here. Few minor complications around her breathing but nothing that 20 mins of attention from about 20 medical peeps couldn't sort. Pregnancy on the other hand is quite frankly the work of the devil. I threw up virtually 24/7 for the entire time, was hospitalised with dehydration, had to be taken off most of my medications as they had not been tested for use with pregnant women (joys of being on old lady meds for my breathing) and consequently couldn't breathe without having constant asthma attacks, was in permanent pain from SPD and that is before we get to the 5000 wees a night that felt like my bladder was ready to explode only to get to the loo and manage no more than a dribble. I wouldn't have another child if the survival of the human race depended on it!
Luckily DP agrees that 3 between us is more than sufficient.
bastard still won't get the snip though
YANBU at all. I can't wait for another even though I sometimes think I'm mad to want to do it again. But not having another is an equally valid choice. I hate people's interference and judgement when it comes to this, just leave people be and be happy for their decision!
Nobody's business but yours. I have a four year old and don't want any more. I find the best thing is to not give reasons as people seem to want to offer solutions as to why you can have a baby. People can seem weirdly overinvested in this stuff.
"When are you having another?"
"aww, why's that?" <head tilt>
"Just not having any more"
Keep telling them that. They'll probably think you're even weirder but it should shut them up at least.
I was like this until ds1 was 2 then I changed my mind and ds2 appeared, until ds2 everyone was 'when is he getting a sibling', then ds2 appeared those questions changed to 'are you done?, are you trying for a girl' - ds3 was a 'surprise' now I get 'omg are you going to stop?' 'Do you still want a girl?'
Basically this rambley answer is to say, sod it someone will have an opinion on how many do you should have - the only important view is yours (and possibly DH/so's)
I had another one after 6 year gap, she wasn't planned. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but I really wish I'd only had the one. All this 'it's easier with two' crap is a lie.
You can't make yourself want another baby to please other people. Only children are just fine. There's enough people in the world already.
You could try shouting "MY FERTILITY IS NO BUSINESS OF YOURS, HOW RUDE OF YOU TO ASK! DO YOU WANT TO EXAMINE MY CERVIX WHILE YOU'RE HERE?" very loudly Preferably in a crowded place.
Or burst into uncontrollable, body-wrenching sobs. Say nothing but "A second baby? Ohh! Aah!" every twenty seconds, making sure it sounds like everything you ever had or hoped for has just been taken from you in one violent swoop.
To be honest, people probably don't really care one way or the other regarding your procreational choices. It's just a thing people say to make small talk, like all the other questions dexterpat mentions that get asked of people who have 2+ children.
Many people feel an uncontrollable urge to 'chat', and half the time what comes out of their mouth is stock questions/observations that seem like they might be relevant to the other party. Don't overthink any 'hidden' intentions; it's just noise produced to fill a silence, not something they're lying awake at night worrying about.
It took me 3.5 years before I was even remotely broody for a 2nd. Due to lifestyle and length of TTC #2, there will be a 5 year gap between the two of them. Couldn't even IMAGINE doing it any sooner. Literally all my friends I know with anything smaller than a 3 year age gap find it extremely stressful, neither of their children get quality time/attention, and as mothers of 2 they never get a break. It was enough to solidify the bigger age gap for me!
Enjoy the time with your DS. There are so many lovely moments that you wouldn't want diluted with the attention required for a younger sibling.
Also enjoy the independence and subsequently more freedom for yourself as DS gets older. Enjoy the increase in income once they receive preschool funding, and eventually school.
If you do want another child, only do so when you are absolutely ready. If you don't, there's no need to justify it to anyone.
People are just nosey buggers who only think of idealistic family scenarios, rather than real life and the impact on you. Also, why on earth do people think it's acceptable to essentially ask you to discuss your fertility and sex life?!
"One is the new two" as they say - I think having an old child is becoming more common, I know a few people who stopped at one. If you are all happy, that's all that matters!
Stupid phone. An only child, not an old child.
It's your choice, obviously, and having an only child by choice is more common these days I think.
But for me, it wasn't about the here and now, the nappies, the sleeping, the tantrums. It was about creating the family we wanted in the long term.
We wanted our children to grow up having siblings, to have that lifelong relationship for better and worse. We wanted our children to have nieces and nephews one day, big family christmas celebrations, people to support them when we get old/die etc.
Both my DH and I are close to our siblings, and their children, so to us that was our ideal setup. When we thought we couldn't have children it was the loss of this that was most crushing, and then when we had one it was this thought that made me determined to have more....
BUT, all of the things I have said can be had by an only child - close relationship with cousins, or best friend, other extended family etc.
So yes, completely your choice with your DH. But don't get bogged down in the next 2 years (and it is hard work) also think of the next 10yrs, 20 yrs, 50 years....
I felt like you - although I think it was definitely from fear for me because I had severe antenatal depression, severe hyperemesis and then the Incredible Non Sleeping Baby!!
I did actually end up having a second when ds was 3 and it wasn't anything like as horrific a pregnancy and she slept
and I spent all the time I should have been sleeping worrying about why she was sleeping so much.
I'm glad we had Dd but I don't think I would have been wrong not to have her if that makes sense? It's certainly not done my career or finances any favours.
You aren't alone. A lot of ds' friends are only children
and I think he's jealous and they're perfectly happy and well adjusted. They have a lot of one on one time etc.
Do what feels right for you and your family.
There was an
accidental tiny gap between my DC, so DS1 was 13mo when DS2 arrived. I honestly believe that (all going well, obv) it is easier to have a tiny age gap than a larger one, because all the nappies/crying get packed into the tiniest window possible.
I will say that my favourite part of having kids is that they are friends. I love that I've made little friends however I can say hand on heart that I do not mind if you do not emulate my example. Have 1, have 4, it's all the same to me!
YANBU - no one else has the right to decide what is right for your family. Your feelings and logic are perfectly valid.
It's your choice how many children you have and everyone's experience is different, whether they're an only child or have siblings. There's no guarantee siblings would get along anyway.
I know a few people who had emcs followed by elcs who found it a much nicer experience, but can't comment myself. I've just had DS2 and it is very hard, but I don't feel as horrible as I did after DS1 was born. I will say though that being pregnant and having a newborn has certainly impacted on the quality time I would have had with DS1 - he wouldn't be in preschool for example if we hadn't had DS2. However, I am thinking of the long term as a pp said.
DS is 4 and I am pregnant with DC 2. It took me ages to consider another and I have moments of impending doom and WTAF am I doing at least twice a week at the moment.
When he was 2.5 there was no way I would of considered another child. Things change, it's ok to change your mind or not. One child or 6? Whatever floats your boat.
People talk all sorts of shit. The nice thing about already having a child is that you can now calibrate what people say about babies against your own reality, and that'll give you a good indication of whether to believe them when they enthuse about having a second.
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