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Ex wife and dodgy boyfriend

(16 Posts)
Thegirl1 Wed 06-Apr-16 12:20:47

Not sure if this is the correct area to ask but here goes.
My partner's ex wife with whom he has children had a restraining order against her ex boyfriend, we think for stalking but the kids were banned from telling us what for. The eldest had to give evidence against him, numerous police visits, the ex boyfriend was even tagged over it.
Move forward a couple of months the tag is off and the ex wife is now dating the ex boyfriend again.
We're really concerned for the kids. Is there anyway that we can find out what he was actually charged with? If the restraining order is still in place?
The ex wife is hostile so we cannot get information from her.

Thanks in advance.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Apr-16 12:23:44

Claire's law my dear

curren Wed 06-Apr-16 12:23:53

Get your partner to speak to social services.

Surely there is someone that is obliged to give him information if his own kids are considered at risk from this man?

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Apr-16 12:24:39

Oh and fwiw a call to childrens services as it's likely they would consider it a huge issue

Collaborate Wed 06-Apr-16 12:24:39

I think the only way he'll find out about it is if he applies to the court to have the arrangements for the children varied. The court can order, within Children Act proceedings, the disclosure of relevant paperwork.

Collaborate Wed 06-Apr-16 12:25:19

Social Services won't tell him. They may however be interested to hear all that has been going on.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Apr-16 12:27:32


He can apply to his police station given that he has resident children in her house to assertain if he has a record that is an issue for children DA perps are considered an issue.

Some areas are more forthcoming than others and you always need to disclose reason for asking,

"He is likely to have unsupervised access to my children and their vulnerable mother who reside x amount of time in this address"

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Apr-16 12:29:06

Social Services won't tell him. They may however be interested to hear all that has been going on

Of course they won't tell him but it is likely they have interaction with the kids and I was more thinking future safety rather than instant information goal

Thegirl1 Wed 06-Apr-16 12:37:13

The ex boyfriend used to pick the kids up from school. He went from being trusted enough to collect the children from school to a restraining order within three weeks.
She plays all of this out in front of the kids too.
I think we'll go and speak to the police. Worst they can say is no. We're really concerned about her being told we're checking. She pulls contact on the children regularly and we think they need the escape at the moment.

Thegirl1 Wed 06-Apr-16 12:40:31

I'm worried about her mental state. She was obviously concerned enough to get a restraining order against him. I'm assuming in order to get tagged he breached it (I don't know that, I'm just guessing you don't get tagged for no reason). To then decide he's changed, it all seems very odd.
At the same time I feel like a bitch as I'm making judgements about a woman I only know via how she was with my partner. And as we know, we don't divorce our partners because we're happy and get on.
Objectively though, this whole thing seems "off"

Thegirl1 Wed 06-Apr-16 12:41:42

I'm guessing even if the police choose not to disclose the nature of the offences and restraining order, if they are concerned about the situation they will contact the relevant agencies.
Or is that a guess too far.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Apr-16 12:44:22


Requests have to be made in writing, they also will only disclose on a right to ask amd a right to know basis.

If you come across as if you are implying she is a shitty parent then they are likely to treat it as a malicious request so have a little think about your motive and how it comes across.

If you are really genuinely concerned then a report to children's services is warranted nothing more other than 'she is now seeing x again a short time after she had a protection order against him' would suffice.

Try not to throw in you obvious concerns about what you percieve to be shitty parenting as this will lead to you being taken less seriously for the actual issue and they will think it's just a contact dispute, try and remember people experancing domestic abuse are also usually victims who tend to behave in ways that others wouldn't due to the abuse

foodiefil Wed 06-Apr-16 13:05:19

If it was held in a public court, ring the court and give the ex boyfriend's full name and the dates and ask them.

What is held in a public court is public information

Penfold007 Wed 06-Apr-16 13:16:13

Thegirl1 above is a link to Clare's Law might be the best place to start

Thegirl1 Wed 06-Apr-16 14:28:42

I've never said that she's a shitty parent.

When I say I'm worried about her mental state, that was not meant as some casual dig. It's genuine concern. Because at best, and that is not the right term, he has been arrested for stalking. And now she's back with him. I think she's obviously vulnerable if she's now dating a man she had arrested on numerous times for, "at best", stalking her.
If she was my friend I would be extremely worried. She's got my step kids, so yes, this is genuine concern.

She can date whomever she wishes and if they treat the kids fine, then that's all good. We've not been concerned when she's dated other men nor the previous occasions that she has dated this one.
But then he hadn't been arrested in front of them, had a restraining order imposed upon him and breached it. The kids hadn't been terrified, or seen their Mum terrified. Her eldest child hadn't had to testify against him because his behaviour was so bad.

I've downloaded our local police force's details concerning Claire's law. Here you can ring 101 for stage one, which is asking about if you can have information and who about. They call you in for a face to face meeting, stage two, if there's anything they feel you need to know.

Thank you for your help

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Apr-16 16:46:11

I didn't mean it nastily it's just the the things you say about her do come across as digs however unintentional, the people that you need to be referring this to and the police officers considering your request will be more used to hearing from people wrapped up in some very bitter arguements when it comes to reporting concerns about children.

In some areas they will say nope you are not a partner or perspective partner so we won't tell you as some will stick very ridgedly to that but many areas will consider that as the other parent of the children in the home wishing to do what you want to protect the children from witnessing domestic abuse (and in turn the actual direct abuse that is) is a legit reason to have the info.

But even in those areas a request stating why you are requesting (because of the risk to the kids) will trigger a MASH referal and they will make enquires and take steps as needed so you will still have achieved the desired result even if doing so does not directly give you what you want.

I personally would also make the call to children's services as I wouldn't want to rely on human beings triggering what should be an automatic response

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