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To be upset that no one seems interested

(35 Posts)
Liss85 Wed 06-Apr-16 00:32:48

I'm 19 weeks pregnant with my first child and no one seems excited or interested in it and it's starting to get me down.

I don't get on with my mother. There a lot of long seated reasons and basically she was a toxic person in my life. I reached out with wedding invitations when I got married and she started arguments over it and refused to go, neither did my father. I decided to try again by asking my husband to send her our scan picture. She said thanks but complained she'd already seen it on his Facebook (she didn't look at her messages for several days after it was sent). He replied with lots of info about how I was doing and to text me if she wanted and we never got another response from her.

My sisters ask how I am if I contact them first etc and have given me hand me downs but they have 10 kids between them so I feel like they're not bothered about mine. They don't seem overly interested and don't check up on me or anything to see how I'm doing.

DH's brother and his OH barely mention it if we see them (which isn't often as they live in the south, we live in the north). The OH's sister is 2 weeks behind me but announced much later and when they found out she got a big basket full of baby clothes, toys and pregnancy books etc and we didn't get anything.

We met up with my husband's parents tonight. We see them fairly often. I thought they, of all people, would be excited with this being their first grandchild and they seemed happy when we announced it but they've barely mentioned it. They don't ask about it, it doesn't get talked about, they don't seem excited or interested. They talked about themselves the entire night. Didn't ask how I was. In the middle my MIL asked when the scan is (as it's soon) and if we'd get pictures and that's the only time it was mentioned all night or even hinted at. Last time DH mentioned that no one seemed excited about it and that I'd like it if they were as I'd talked to him about being upset but it doesn't seem to have done anything.

DH is wonderful and supportive but I just feel like no one else cares.

I suffer from depression. I came off my meds to conceive (and they weren't working well) and have been fine up until the last few weeks where I've been seeing the odd symptom. I feel like this is all making it worse but I don't know if maybe it just seems worse because of the depression? AIBU to be upset?

Thanks for reading the long post.

TendonQueen Wed 06-Apr-16 00:38:48

It is a shame that they aren't taking more of an interest. Often people get a bit blasé if they've got several kids already but that doesn't help you I know. I would just stop bothering with your mother who sounds awful. You deserve better. Have you read the Toxic Parents book? Much recommended on here by people in your position.

Have you signed up for NCT classes? I would recommend it as it's a good way to meet other first time parents who'll be as excited as you. Worked for me.

I don't think it's all down to your depression, but it's going to have a part to play so keep an eye on that and talk to your healthcare team about what they suggest might help outside your usual meds.

TendonQueen Wed 06-Apr-16 00:39:32

Oh and congrats! flowers It'll be great regardless of how family are.

MrsSippy Wed 06-Apr-16 00:42:41

I felt exactly the same when I showed MIL my scan photo of my first DS and she said 'you don't really get excited about your 6th grandchild', my DM isn't really the clucky granny type either, no knitted goods or useful hints coming from that direction either.

Luckily DH and me were excited enough so it didn't matter, sounds like you and your DH are the same.

Good luck OP, I'm v. happy for you flowers

FeralBeryl Wed 06-Apr-16 00:46:01

Firstly a huge congratulations! flowers
Pregnancy is wonderfully exciting.... For the pregnant people. It's only once the baby arrives that the fun really catches up for people. My own (perfectly lovely DPs) weren't nearly as thrilled as I'd assumed when I announced my first. They were beyond overjoyed once he arrived though, and have continued to act completely the same with subsequent children.
Although it's hard, try not to compare your situation to others, so what if she got a basket, you're having your very own child. Far more important. Unfortunately you're getting to the (nicely) 'boring' stage of pregnancy for others too. Once your next scan is done, people will just comment bastarding things like 'oh my God have you really got THAT long to go'
Can I ask, did you take yourself off your meds to conceive, or was this medically monitored? There are plenty of safe anti depressants for pregnancy and breastfeeding, I would hate these twinges to manifest into something more serious. I suffered prenatal depression and it was hideous. Please speak to your GP or midwife for some help with this. You are extremely vulnerable at this point.
Wishing you all the very best.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 06-Apr-16 00:46:29

Aww. Your first little one. Of course you want everyone to be excited. There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely you'd assume everyone would be delighted about this new little life.
Let me offer you a huge Take it easy. chocolate and flowers. X

lordStrange Wed 06-Apr-16 00:48:14

flowers for you smile.

You sound a bit surrounded by self-absorbed types of folks smile what a load of boring fuckers they sound! Who doesn't get excited by a new family member on the way?

If you do begin to feel depression symptoms there are tablets you can take ante-natally. But absolutely yes, if you can go to the NHS group, or NCT if you are able. Great that DH is supportive, tbh that really is the most important right now.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 06-Apr-16 00:51:04

You'll probably find though, Liss that those who aren't or don't seem interested, that. As soon as they meet your little one will fall in love with them. No one on the planet can risk a squishy trusting innocent baby for long.

FreakinScaryCaaw Wed 06-Apr-16 00:54:13

I agree your mother sounds awful.

I'd second nct classes. Bumps and babies it used to be called. Aquanatal classes, yoga ect all good. Get out and about meeting positive people. Family aren't always the most important people in our lives. I have friends who are much closer to me than my siblings.

Congratulations to you and dh flowers

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 06-Apr-16 00:56:31

It's sad that nobody can remember how exciting that first baby is. Your mother doesn't sound great so her not being excited about GC #11 isn't surprising. I guess the ILs are naturally closer to their DD wrt to presents and you're suffering from circumstance.
So yanbu to want a bit of fuss over your pfb. This is huuuuge for you and DH. Throw in unmedicated depression and it's no wonder you feel down.
flowers and congratulations for you from me.
Have you joined an ante natal group on here? That's a great way to share excitement and enthusiasm amongst a group of women smile

Liss85 Wed 06-Apr-16 01:15:13

Thank you so much for all your responses. Honestly I don't think I'd feel so bad about everyone else if DH's parents were excited. I'm used to my mother's behaviour but I thought we'd get more from the ILs.

TendonQueen - I've stopped bothering with my mum now. I thought I'd be the bigger person and reach out but she obviously doesn't want to know so that's that. I haven't read that book, maybe I'll look into it. I've read some interesting articles though. I keep meaning to sign up for the NCT classes. I'll get onto that tomorrow.

MrsSippy - can't believe she actually said that to you! Years ago I tried to get my mum to move by us instead of miles away. She refused because moving to the area her DDs live in was 'a step down'. I asked her didn't she want to be near when I had kids and she said 'been there, done that'.
FeralBeryl - I did it through my doctor. I went to see him and said that I wanted to come off because they weren't working for me and I wanted to try for a baby. He said I would definitely need to come off them if trying and weaned me off them. I'm going to bring it up at my next appointment with my consultant.
LordStrange - you made me lol smile DH is great. We've gotten through a lot just us so I guess it will be the same with this.
Ilive - I'm hoping that will be the case smile
Freakin- I'm hoping I'll meet people in the classes like you say. I have a few good friends but most of them are not near by.
Giddy- the other person who is pregnant isn't their DD, it's their son's OH's sister. Ours is their first grandchild. I've been on the pregnancy board but haven't seen the antenatal group.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate the support and well wishes smile

FreakinScaryCaaw Wed 06-Apr-16 01:20:57

Glad we're all helping. You'll get lots of support on MN smile

Liss85 Wed 06-Apr-16 01:33:31

I've had a lot of practical support from MN so far but hadn't thought about reaching out for emotional support but I'm glad I did smile

Iflyaway Wed 06-Apr-16 01:43:55

Your family sound awful, so sorry you have to go through that.

But really. you have a child cos you want to - and can hopefully give them the best. Relying on anyone else is a road to nowhere, frankly.

And you can do it.

LP here.

Patapouf Wed 06-Apr-16 01:44:31

You might want to ask MNHQ to edit your post OP, you've included a name,

Congrats flowers but you really can't expect anyone to care about your pregnancy as much as you do, that might change after you have the baby but, again, nobody will care as much as you do.

Bogeyface Wed 06-Apr-16 02:33:11

The thing is, your pregnancy is happening to you every second of every day. As you get closer to the birth you are both very aware of the changes it brings. But to everyone else it is announcement, gender scan, birth. It just doesnt affect their lives to the same extent so they dont get the same level of excitement that you have.

Your issue with your mum is seperate I think, and you have done the right thing by giving up with her. But give your PILs a break, just because they dont talk about it all the time doesnt mean that they dont care.

Congratulations flowers

Itinerary Wed 06-Apr-16 03:23:11

Some of the older generation don't like to show too much excitement until the baby arrives safely.

Good suggestion to join an antenatal class. I attended an NHS one and it was very good. Now I see all the same mums at the school gate smile

trinity0097 Wed 06-Apr-16 06:08:23

We have lots of people at work that won't get excited about a baby until the baby has been safely delivered, so no presents bought or anything just in case, could be that your in-laws are of that ilk?

miraclebabyplease Wed 06-Apr-16 08:17:05

Who gave your sil the basket?

howmanyairmiles Wed 06-Apr-16 08:36:17

I think for some people its not real until baby is here. My sister has 5 kids and I was excited about the first pg, for the other four the excitement didn't kick in until they arrived.

coffeeisnectar Wed 06-Apr-16 09:06:17

Congratulations. Your first pregnancy is so exciting and scary in equal measures but so wonderful seeing your bump grow and the baby kicking you not so fun at 39 weeks when it's headbutting your bladder at 3am

I'd second the suggestion of joining an antenatal class. Find others in your position. Talk babies until you are blue in the face! Join a thread in the pregnancy section on here and find others at the same gestation as you.

Once the baby is born, if you have friends made through antenatal classes you'll have a ready-made friendship group for you and your baby.

Enjoy your pregnancy and forget the extended family. My first baby I was alone and miles from anyone. Although my parents were excited they weren't there and the baby's father's parents thought I was an idiot for getting pregnant. (when we told them they said 'well that was a bit stupid wasn't it?)

So I was resigned to doing it on my own and being excited on my own and that was fine. This was way before internet days so really felt very isolated but actually I kind of enjoyed the solitude of being just me and my baby bump quite a lot.

Liss85 Wed 06-Apr-16 10:32:23

Patapouf - I noticed that afterwards. Do I just use the report function? Thanks.

I don't expect anyone to be as excited about it as we are but I would expect that when you see someone for the first time in a while that it's common courtesy to at least ask them how they are. Especially if they're carrying your grandchild. It's also not the case that I'm upset because they don't talk about it constantly, I'm upset that they've barely mentioned it at all. I got a new manager yesterday and she showed more interest in a 10 minute conversation than they have since I announced the pregnancy.

Itinerary & trinity - I didn't think of it like that, thank you for the suggestion.

Miracle - sorry that paragraph wasn't clear. My BIL's OH's DS was given the basket by BIL and his OH.

Coffeeisnectar - sorry you went through such a hard time. I'm looking forward to the movement but like you say, will probably end up fed up of it in the end!

BillyGoatGruff007 Wed 06-Apr-16 10:56:13

I'm a MIL and when my DIL was expecting her first I remember being wary of showing too much interest as I was afraid of being seen as interfering.
Perhaps you could ask your MIL along next time you're shopping for baby stuff ?
I'm sure she'd jump at the chance....

And congratulations on your happy news.

BillyGoatGruff007 Wed 06-Apr-16 10:58:21

And yes, it's as Itinerary says.....
We tend to hold back until the safe arrival and knowing all is well.

SundayBea Wed 06-Apr-16 11:10:33

Massive congratulations, a first baby is such a special and exciting time. The only thing I can think to add to all the good advice above is that you can't change how others are you can only change how it affects you. Yes it's disappointing that that's their attitude but you, your DH, your unborn child and whatever other children you go on to have are your own family now. Since having my own family I've sort of stepped back from mine and DH relations, we still see them and have a good relationship most of the time but I couldn't care less if we have their interest or approval I'm too busy enjoying my babies! Sorry your feeling like this, it can't be easy especially when you've suffered from depression as well. I just try not expect anything from DH family and then I'm not likely to feel let down. Have lots of babies, live happily ever after with your DH, follow your passions and interests, do what makes you happy and start attending antenatal and mum groups now so you can start building up a tribe of people around you who bring happiness and positivity to your life. I think the more happy and excited you come across as the more chance others will be infected be it too. Extended family aren't the be all and end all. Hugs to you, we're excited for you thanks

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