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AIBU?

AIBU to think I can deal with this on my own?

26 replies

DrowningInTheDeep · 05/04/2016 21:13

I've got a ten month old son. I love him more than I can put into words but I've struggled with motherhood. I had two m/cs before he was born and a very traumatic premature birth. He was in SCBU for 11 days and I wasn't allowed to hold him. I'm carrying a lot of emotions from this and felt like it took a long time to bond with him as a result. Sometimes I question if I truly have bonded properly with him.

I've thought that maybe I have PND. I had extreme anxiety for the first few months. We didn't go out much as I was terrified he would get sick. I also worried constantly that I wasn't a good Mother and at times I had suicidal thoughts. I joined a FB group and they said I would require a lot of support if I was to take anti d's. I don't have any support other than DH and I worry that I already put too much on him. He had already taken a couple of days off work when I couldn't cope. So I did nothing and it kind of went away.

DS generally goes to bed better for DH but tonight I told him to go out and enjoy himself. I could not get DS to sleep. He was screaming in my face and wouldn't calm down. I could feel my blood pressure rising so I put him in his bed and stepped away. I went in the bathroom and cut myself a little bit with a razor. I haven't done it in years. DH will be sick with worry if he sees. AIBU to think that this is a one off to let off some steam and that I'll be ok now?

OP posts:

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imeatingthechocolate · 05/04/2016 21:17

yabu

the best thing you can do as a parent is take care of your emotional health if you dont you cant take care of your child's physical and mental wellbeing

take care of yourself go see a doctor

Septbaby · 05/04/2016 21:21

I have no real life advice but I couldn't not respond to you. I had friends many years ago who used to self harm and as with any kind of addiction I doubt this would be a great me time only thing.

I can relate to your feelings of perhaps unresolved PND, I'm going through phases with my 18mo where I feel a wave of low come over me. You aren't alone in this and there are so many places and people to see longer from; PANDAS being one.

Try to find ways to help relieve your tension without the need to self harm, anything you can think of without the need to hurt yourself?

for you xxx

Itinerary · 05/04/2016 21:22

Is AIBU really the best place for this? I think you need support, not anyone telling you that YABU.

No-one can say whether that was a "one off" but I think you should go and see the GP in any case. They will be able to assess whether you have PND. Be honest with them as they have seen it all before.

wtfisgoingonhere · 05/04/2016 21:22

Please see a doctor - until I read about the cuts I was about to say yanbu
I am not saying what you have done is unreasonable, but that anyone in your position would be unreasonable to think you could get better alone and it would 'go away'
Thete is no shame in asking for help. See a doctor and talk to your husband

And take care of yourself x

Septbaby · 05/04/2016 21:22

Sorry that should say one time thing only

iceinmyveins · 05/04/2016 21:24

well done for talking about what happened - please see this as a cry for help and release and get some support

motherhood is so hard it seems like some old issues are coming to the surface - even reading your message I can feel the emotions

You could try CBT or counselling if you don't want to go down the medication route

good luck

DrowningInTheDeep · 05/04/2016 21:27

AIBU probably isn't the right place. But I know it's busy in here and people would respond. I need a kick up the arse as I can't go on like this. I'm just scared of what will happen if I tell someone.

OP posts:

MooPointCowsOpinion · 05/04/2016 21:28

I was all set for telling you not to worry too much but you are self-harming and that's a step further than I feel comfortable saying this will probably pass. I was anxious like you about illness and wouldn't leave the house. Sometimes I needed a break from my screaming child. Everything did get better and easier.

But self-harm is outside my experience, and I think you should tell your DH and seek help. Your DH should have all the facts to decide if he feels confident his wife and child are safe to be left in the evenings.

DrowningInTheDeep · 05/04/2016 21:31

After I came out of the bathroom, I scooped up DS and I cried and told him I was sorry. He went to sleep in my arms but I've been panicking ever since about what I might have done (to myself).

OP posts:

getyourfingeroutyournose · 05/04/2016 21:31

You are a good mum!

Right now your brain is reacting how some people do and you are becoming emotional over things that happen naturally. It probably is a mix of the stress of having baby in intensive care and not being able to hold him and postnatal depression. Talk to your midwife. Share what you feel comfortable sharing. Tell her you need emotional help. I promise you the support will be like a weight lifted.

Talk to your husband at the least.

I'm really hoping you feel how much I want you to feel better. It might not seem that much but you are cared for xxx

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/04/2016 21:32

You can deal with this - but dealing with it is telling your DH and getting some help now, before it spirals.

You can do it. Are you feeling okay at the moment?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 05/04/2016 21:32

It's a sign of strength to seek help. It's important you don't hurt yourself because your child and husband need you, so you need to get help so you can protect them.

DrowningInTheDeep · 05/04/2016 21:35

I'm feeling ok just now. I'm really upset with myself that I lost control. It shouldn't have got to that point.

OP posts:

SnakeWitch · 05/04/2016 21:37

You were told you'd need support if you tried ADs, am I right? I don't believe that to be true at all. I take them and I feel much more like myself on them - if you need them there is nothing wrong with that at all! Please go and talk this through with your Gp because you might not be ok and they can help you if that's the case.

And your DP will probably be more worried if you try and carry on alone so talk to him. He probably knows. Mine was so relieved when I said 'i think I have a problem and I need some help'. Please don't leave it - admitting you don't feel right is the first (maybe hardest?) step. Best of luck.

Itinerary · 05/04/2016 21:43

I'm just scared of what will happen if I tell someone.

What will happen? If you see the GP they will listen and then advise you on the options available. They may discuss things like therapy, medication, support from health visitors or local groups, or physical contributors to the way you're feeling.

As you're feeling OK just at the moment, it would be a good time to book an appointment. It can be harder to make the phone call for an appointment or drag yourself to the GP if you're feeling low. Tell them what's happened, even if it's a "good day" when you see them.

CastielsClevererBetterSister · 05/04/2016 21:49

I sympathise so deeply with you. I am struggling at the moment and sometimes want to cut myself. It's never a one off though. And each time takes a little more to get that feeling of release (with me anyway) I am terrified to go to the GP but I know i'm going to have to. Don't beat yourself up about cutting. That won't help. See it as an end point to you struggling and let it be the point that you start getting help from your GP, counsellor or whoever you can trust.

MrsOs · 05/04/2016 21:56

Please get help.. For your sake and your ds xx

Witchend · 05/04/2016 22:06

Putting him down and going away to calm down is exactly the right thing to do. If you put him somewhere safe he'll be fine.
But you need to seek help for the harm. Really. You are the most important thing in tgr world to him. He needs you. Look after yourself.

TheGhostOfBarryFairbrother · 05/04/2016 22:07

You aren't alone. Please get help from someone you can trust. It's never just a one off in my experience and is a sign that you need some urgent support.

Could your parents help?

Holding your hand from over here xx

horizontilting · 05/04/2016 22:17

" I joined a FB group and they said I would require a lot of support if I was to take anti d's. I don't have any support other than DH and I worry that I already put too much on him. He had already taken a couple of days off work when I couldn't cope. So I did nothing and it kind of went away. "

This was not accurate advice. You do not need support to take anti-depressants.

Your GP will monitor you (to check you are on the right dose and whether you need to switch tablets as some work better for different people).

You do need support because your mental health is suffering, after you having taken a number of hard blows.

Part of this support can be the antidepressants as neurological changes that take place in your brain with stress, anxiety and depression. Antidepressants are tailored to restore a normal balance where there is a chemical imbalance. And give you the chance to feel more normal again.

You've done incredibly well looking after your baby while coping with all this. let yourself have the help that is there for you now.

Alexa444 · 05/04/2016 22:23

Aww hun, I'm sorry you feel like this. I think you probably do have PND and plenty of people do handle it themselves but there is no shame in needing help and if there is any repeat of the cutting then you should seek help. You're the best judge of whether this is a one off or not. Probably the only reason he goes down better for DH is because he can sense how stressed you are or perhaps he is just a daddy's boy, don't take it personally.

You did the right thing in putting him down, sometimes we just want to throttle them and times like that you just have to get a bit of distance for a minute. He can scream his guts out just as well in bed as he can in your arms and for 5 minutes it's hardly child abuse.

You are a good mum, you're doing fine, honestly. It's not like they come with a manual and troubleshooting guide. Or unfortunately a mute button. Here have a and some

Don't feel bad about your DH taking a few days off to help you out. He is his child too and frankly after carrying a child for 9 months, popping a little person out of your fanjo and then all that worry and stress after the birth, then you've probably had all the joys of night time feeds and has he had the wonders of teething yet? Who wouldn't be shattered? Don't be so hard on yourself.

WonderingAspie · 05/04/2016 22:24

I'm really fucking that a FB group told you you would need a lot of support if you took anti d's!

I had PND twice. The first time I didn't get diagnosed until DS was around the age of yours. I was going mad and what did it for me was when I threw DS's rattle at the wall and it cracked and I had to get DH home from work because I was in such a state about a rattle. I did the Edinburgh test online, its a PND assessment and I took my score to my GP who said it was high. I went on anti d's and got better. I didn't need a lot of support whilst on them. A supportive GP and DH and getting out to baby groups and doing things with DS got me through.

Second time DH recognised the symptoms early and I started on anti d's at my 6 week check up. Much better as I didn't get into the spiral I'd got in to the first time.

It's good that you recognise there is a problem, and if you are self harming because of it then there definitely is. Make an appointment with your GP asap. It will get so much better when you have things in place to help you. And going on medication is nothing to be ashamed of. You would take a paracetamol for a bad headache so this should be no different.

Good luck.

Mabelface · 05/04/2016 22:27

I take antidepressants and I have no support at all. I love them. They've restored me back to being me, and I'm happier than I've been for a long time. One month ago I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm so much better. Go and see your gp.

Moving15 · 05/04/2016 22:31

I have had two SCBU prem babies and one late miscarriage and they are all very very traumatic times and very difficult to recover from even when you are blessed with a healthy baby to take home. There were times I really struggled and every day was black and I couldn't even smile. I wish I could go back and tell myself to be kinder to myself and seek help. I can't do that but I can say to you that you have dealt with more than you realise and you are wonderful. You need to look after your mental and emotional health just like you need to drink water and your baby needs milk. You did the right thing walking away from your overtired baby to give yourself some space. You know that cutting is not the medicine you need. It is the right time to go to your gp and ask for help. Anyone who has been through what you have been through needs some extra support. Accept help from your husband and other relatives or friends even if you think you can get by or do something for yourself. Accepting help is part of allowing yourself to feel cherished and loved and you need that to feed your emotional health. You will be OK xxx

AuntDotsie · 05/04/2016 22:54

I feel for you. I have a DS the same age, also previous m/c, also SCBU post-birth. The months following his arrival were chock-full of anxiety for me and I developed something of a phobia of doctors and hospitals, exacerbated when I had a surprise panic attack following some chest pains and was admitted overnight. I went to my GP who referred me to the mental health team. I did an online CBT course, which involved weekly or fortnightly check-in calls with my support worker, but I could otherwise choose when and how to progress through it.

Getting help doesn't have to be scary, these people want to help and give you control. I had a totally cheesy eureka moment on the course and feel so much better and able to cope now. Please do make an appointment, it doesn't have to be like this

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