AIBU to think MIL should have checked with me first?

(119 Posts)
FlyChickie Tue 05-Apr-16 15:17:00

Let's set the scene: when DD was 5 weeks old, MIL came to stay and meet her new DGD. I had DD sleeping on her back downstairs. On being asked by MIL why DD not on tummy, I explained SIDS, statistics, small babies etc. I go upstairs to shower, come back down and MIL had put DD on her tummy. shock When I turned her around explaining, yet again, why DD doesn't go on tummy, MIL just turns her back on me...

So, fast forward : MIL lives in another country and comes to stay for DD's first birthday. Arrives late at night, DD in bed. No questions as to what the routine is, how does the morning work, brekkie etc. Now, we have worked bloody hard to ensure DD sleeps through the night and doesn't wake before 7am. Sometimes (rarely) she gets a bottle in bed at 06:30 and goes back to sleep - judge me if you will but that's our routine, it works and everybody's happy.

Morning after MIL arrives I hear DD stirring at 06:30, I prepare a bottle and go to her room only to find MIL in there with her up and out of the cot. I explained (nicely) it was too early, DD was getting a bottle in bed, and that DD would sleep another hour or so, as per her routine. MIL says no, she's up now, I'll take her into bed with me. I explain, again, no, DD, and everybody else, is getting back into bed. Cue MIL saying she didn't know what time it was...

I am all too aware that MIL does not see her DGD often and when she does see her they need loads of cuddle time and quality time and all the lovely special things a grandmother does with their DGC, like getting involved with mealtimes etc. However, all I ask is that she checks with me, or DH, what the routine is. If she wants to get up with DD fine, but on our terms, or at least the terms we have worked hard to ensure - not hers because she thinks it's better.

AIBU to feel that maybe she could at least have checked with me first before bailing into the room like she owns my DD owns the place??

LillyBugg Tue 05-Apr-16 15:18:44

I think you're upset about the first issue which is then exaggerating the second. The second alone just sounds like an excited grandparent. Both together and you are understandably pissed off.

ShmooBooMoo Tue 05-Apr-16 15:21:10

YANBU. There's plenty of time for her to see your DD without disrupting a well-established routine. In your shoes I would go nuts over the putting your DD on her tummy when you've said no! She is undermining you. Nip it in the bud (both you and DH) by telling her nicely but firmly.

SaucyJack Tue 05-Apr-16 15:22:03

YANBU on the first. YABU on the second.

I think you should've given her the bottle, and gone back to bed. Win win all round.

OrangeSquashTallGlass Tue 05-Apr-16 15:22:50

I can definitely see why you're upset about the first point you mentioned but not the second. I think you need to chill out a bit tbh. 6:30 is only half an hour earlier and your MIL would have taken care of her.

Caprinihahahaha Tue 05-Apr-16 15:23:21

Golly. That's twice in one year. What a nightmare.

FlyChickie Tue 05-Apr-16 15:24:32

There were many other examples of being undermined but I didn't want to write an essay wink

dementedpixie Tue 05-Apr-16 15:25:43

Yanbu with the first but are overreacting with the second. You could have given her the bottle to give to your Dd and then you could have gone back to bed

BertrandRussell Tue 05-Apr-16 15:26:40

You are unreasonable for thinking that your dd's sleep is anything to do its you "working hard" at it. Some do. Some don't.

You are not unreasonable about the the turning her onto her tummy thing.

You are a bit unreasonable about the morning thing- you perhaps should have handed her baby and bottle and gone back to bed for a couple more blissful hours.

CheeseAndSprinkleys Tue 05-Apr-16 15:28:00

Yanbu with the the first point, your MIL turning your baby dd onto her tummy, but you are being a bit unreasonable over your MIL seeing your dd at 6.30, she's just excited to see her. It won't disrupt her routine to much, and won't take her long, it at all, to get back into it.

FullMoonDiva Tue 05-Apr-16 15:30:38

Tbh I can see why your upset about the 2nd thing even though on the face of it-it's not that bad.
I remember laying in bed one morning at around 6.30am, dh had gotten up at 5am to let bil in as he was dropping some gifts off for Xmas on his way to go on his holiday.
I heard dh go pop to the loo (downstairs) then I heard youngest dd stir in her room next to ours. At the time she used to stir but go back over herself and normally get up between 7.30/8am. Next thing I hear is bil letting himself up our stairs and hovering outside of her/my room. I opened my bedroom door to ask him what he thought he was doing and could he please go back down and not disturb us whilst we were in bed trying to sleep. He was apparently quite offended but tbh I found it incredibly rude that he would firstly invite himself up our stairs but secondly whilst we were bloody sleeping-for all he knew I could have been in the buff!

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Tue 05-Apr-16 15:31:36

If your day is ruined by your child being awake half an hour earlier than usual you are going to have an absolute nightmare of toddler years.

Yanbu about the sids precautions, you are being a zilla about the getting up early.

mrsjskelton Tue 05-Apr-16 15:32:34

It sounds to me like you've got a bit obsessed with your routines. YADNBU about the first issue, she's just miffed that her "expertise" is outdated. But I'd hate to be in a household where I'd have to check with you every 5 minutes what's okay and not okay. I think I'd want to leave and feel very undermined - she's an experienced parent too and deserves respect for that. Perhaps encourage her to be a part of the routine instead of kicking her down every time she tries to interact with her DGD.

GeezAJammyPeece Tue 05-Apr-16 15:33:35

Is MIL still there?
(I.e. did this happen this morning?)

If so, I'd suggest sitting her down with a cuppa (or her DGD to cuddle) and have a chat.

Yes, you have a settled routine and Yes, granny is in danger of messing it up; but it's probably more to do with her being excited at spending time with you all and not really thinking about your usual routine rather than her setting out to deliberately mess it up.

You could always lead with "its such a shame you got in so late, I bet you were dying for a cuddle at her. I'm so grateful you didn't just wake her to pick her up there and then. I've heard of some other mums who would just barge in and do that. I'm so glad you are so sensible & mindful of not confusing her routine...."

Butter her up a bit,

oh, and if she still won't play ball? Lace her evening cocoa with sleeping tablets, that way she'll stay in bed and not disturb DD or you tomorrow morning

DinosaursRoar Tue 05-Apr-16 15:34:51

Bertrand - true, but then while DC2 doesn't sleep no matter what we do, DC1 would, but only if the routine was stuck to - any alterations (which we usually did do to fit in with family) would take a week or more to get back to sleeping well.

If you either have had DCs who'll sleep no matter what or never sleep no matter what, the importance of not fucking with the routine might not be apparant. OP - if your MIL had one type or the other, she probably doesn't 'get' why you are annoyed.

Assuming this isn't a long visit, just grin and bare it, try to say that you'd rather she didn't mess with sleep routines, but there's lots of time to play in the day. This time next year, it'll be less of an issue and your DD will be more flexible while still getting a decent night's sleep for all.

curren Tue 05-Apr-16 15:35:44

Yanbu about the first thing. At all. But it was a year ago. So let it go. It was dealt with at the time.

Yabu about the second. If your routine is so important to you that it's stuck to. You should have told her, when she arrived. I wouldn't arrive at someone's house and enquire about their child's routine. But if I heard the child up I would possibly think 'oh I'll go get her up and let dil and son sleep in a bit'.

You say there are lots where she has undermined you. Not saying it's true, but does sound like you are being a bit over sensitive with the second situation.

Why pick two situations so far apart?

Kids routines do get disturbed by people staying or you going somewhere with them. It happens.

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 05-Apr-16 15:39:04

You need to let the first thing go, it's no longer relevant to issues with your mil. Your second point, yabu.

WipsGlitter Tue 05-Apr-16 15:39:53

YADNBU re the first thing.

Re the second YABU, it was 30 minutes, give her the bottle, she was excited to see her grandchild. But from the wink I can tell you're just not going to listen to anyone!!

Lilaclily Tue 05-Apr-16 15:40:04

Oh gosh yes I was just like this with my mil when the dcs were babies
Everything she did wound me up grin

She now stays in a hotel whenear she visits

NeedACleverNN Tue 05-Apr-16 15:46:04

Actually I'm on your side OP.

You have a routine in place that works for you.

If anything disturbs that routine it could affect it every morning until it all gets sorted again.

I get people are saying that maybe she was just excited but surely your MIL could wait one more hour

Nanny0gg Tue 05-Apr-16 15:47:21

How well does DD know her? It could really unsettle her having a random person (to her) come in her room when she's just waking up. And she might not take her bottle and go back to sleep.

And having had terrible sleepers, you mess with what works at your peril!

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Tue 05-Apr-16 15:47:33

Yanbu about the first, although I think yabu about the second thing if it's one from a long list of being undermined by your MIL I totally get why you feel that way.

Before going nc with my mother she used to constantly try to do things her way and try to over rule my choices, that magnified every tiny little thing to the point I was probably being unreasonable at times, but it was just one incident from a much bigger picture. If that's your case too I sympathise.

Brokenbiscuit Tue 05-Apr-16 15:47:43

Yanbu about the first issue, though I think you should let it go now.

I think yabu about the second issue. If you want to stick to a very rigid routine, then I think the onus is on you to have explained that upfront.

coconutpie Tue 05-Apr-16 15:54:35

YANBU at all about any of it. That extra sleep in the morning is essential if you can keep it up! MIL is being a selfish wagon by completely disregarding your wishes. I would be sitting her down and explaining how it is and how she is not to interfere in the routine. It doesn't matter if she's excited to see her GC, she can bloody well wait a few more hours. Plenty of time in the day to spend time with GC.

I also would not be happy with MIL going in to her first thing when presumably they don't know each other very well. It'll unsettle your DC seeing a face they aren't used to.

Misswrite89 Tue 05-Apr-16 15:54:53

YADNBU about either issue. She is your child's grandma, not the mother. Why on earth should she take YOUR baby into HER bed before its time to get up?

This would infuriate me. I completely get why you want to keep to your routine, I am exactly the same it works for us and we are the parents - what we say goes. I get irritated by family members who think that they get to make decisions about the baby's routine/upbringing!

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