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AIBU?

DD's friend has stolen from us.

90 replies

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:40

Dd is nearly 12.

She has been chumming about with one of our neighbour's DDs, neighbour is the dad and has her EOW. She asked if this girl (13) could stay over last night and I said I didn't mind, she seemed pleasant enough and I'm on chatting terms with her dad.

Dh let them use his old phone to watch Netflix last night. It kept timing out so he disabled the password.

This morning the girls went into town together on the bus. I didn't hear anything from Dd until a few hours later (wasn't best pleased at that as she hasn't answered her phone). She then went back to another friends house and didn't return or pick up her phone until I finally got hold of her at 8pm.

I went to pick her up (pretty fucking furious by now anyway) and when she got in the car she said 'don't be cross but x took Dad's phone into town and lost it'.

Apparently the friend had told Dd she had the phone when they were on the bus and then by the time they'd been round a few shops it had gone missing.

The phone has all DH's banking, Facebook and email apps so he's had to change all his passwords. Dd was in a terrible state but I'm hugely cross with her, she could have told us this at any point today and instead stayed out with these friends until nearly bedtime. I'm still not sure how much of her story is true, according to her she is completely innocent and her friends wouldn't let her phone us and tell us.

I've sent the girls aunt (who she lives with) a polite text asking if she knows what's happened to the phone and got no reply. Dh is going to talk to her dad tomorrow.

I'm so disappointed in Dd but more cross with her friend, if what Dd says is true (that she didn't know her friend had taken it). I feel like an absolute mug and a terrible parent, and I feel like I've given Dd far too much freedom this holidays, and not enough 'vetting' of her friends.

Anyway, AIBU to ban this 'friend' from our house and ground Dd for a month? Because that's what we've done.

OP posts:

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Clobbered · 04/04/2016 22:44

Seems a bit like you are regretting your parenting decisions now and feel that you have bene too harsh on your DD, otherwise why post? I think 11 is too young to be going off into town and to friends' houses unsupervised. A lost phone is not a big deal in comparison to some of the things that could have happened.

EatShitDerek · 04/04/2016 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:49

The only thing I regret is letting this new friend stay over without knowing a bit more about her, ds1 knew her in primary and told me (after all this had happened) that she was trouble, I wish I'd known that before.

Dd has been going into town with other friends since September when she started secondary, she's never taken the piss and stayed out late before. She won't be going again for at least a month, maybe longer.

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WorraLiberty · 04/04/2016 22:50

Do you think they might have sold the phone?

But yes I would ban the friend from the house, at least until you get to the bottom of it (if you ever do).

WRT grounding your DD for a month, I would ground her for a couple of days as she'll need fresh air and exercise.

But I most certainly wouldn't be allowing her into town on a bus, aged 11 if she thinks going out from morning until 8pm at night, with no contact is in any way OK.

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:51

She has plenty of freedom, sees her friends a lot, has sleepovers both here and away. I've been too slack I think. I need to be more careful about who we invite into our home and where she's allowed to go.

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Kidnapped · 04/04/2016 22:51

You don't know that the girl has stolen from you. She may have left it on the bus or your DD has mislaid it elsewhere.

Let your DH talk to the dad and find out what exactly has happened.

I am a bit hmmm about your DD's account of how her other friends "wouldn't allow" her to call you. Surely she could have walked away from them and called you? And if she is lying about that part, she could be lying about her involvement with her dad's phone.

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:52

I don't think it's been lost like she said. She's a terrible liar. Her story has already changed several times, the only constant is hat she had no idea her friend had the phone until they were on the bus.

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Helenluvsrob · 04/04/2016 22:53

Umm.

Disagree totally with the 2nd poster. Op imho an NT 12 yr old and her 13yr old friend ahould be fully competent to keep themselves safe out and about.

I don't think the issue is betting the friends. This isn't stealing as such it's borrowing and not respecting your property.

That's not at all ok of course. But it's not stealing.

You could have prevented this issue - if it's dh old phone he needs to remember to restore to factory strings before letting out of his sight surely ? Also ( old fart I know)but friends meeting up in my house do stuff together - Netflix on tv / CDs in bedroom etc. They don't okay on individual devices and ignore each other - unless they bring their own device - bug I'm not sure I'd be giving the wifi code out or signing them into my Netflix !

ClopySow · 04/04/2016 22:54

Almost 12 is too young to go out with friends and to a friends house unsupervised? That's P7 in Scotland. My kids were out doing that kind of thing, getting buses accross town to their dads, flying without me to see their grandparents.

Ban the friend yes. Grounded for a month is a bit excessive.

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:55

He actually hooked the phone up to DDs tv as her tv doesn't have a Netflix app. They didn't have the Netflix password, but we're watching films together.

OP posts:

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:55

Oh typos. Sorry.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2016 22:56

11 isn't too young, but if she can't be trusted to keep in touch then that's another matter entirely.

I would have been pretty frantic by 8pm and I'm as relaxed a parent as you could probably get.

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:57

Frantic just about covers it, she eventually answered her phone at about 7.45 and I raced straight round to drag her home pick her up.

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Kidnapped · 04/04/2016 23:04

Then you and your DH need to sit her down and ask for the truth. And tell her that you will be getting the real story from the friend's dad. And the other friends who were there, if necessary.

The fact that she has lied several times in succession is not good. And neither is shifting blame for her failure to contact you onto her friends. If she continues to lie (and you'll have a reasonable idea once the dad is involved), then I do think that grounding her for a month is entirely fair.

I honestly think that being out from the morning until 8pm at 11 years old (where your parents have no idea where you are) is not great. She has demonstrated very clearly that she is not mature enough for that.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 04/04/2016 23:12

Does he have "track my Iphone" enabled? I'd also be keeping an eye out on ebay/FB selling sites for phones fitting the description being sold in the local area.

The friend sounds very dodgy, you are right to ban her. Your DD, I feel sorry for. She probably knows deep down that her friend has stitched her up and didn't know how to handle it. You've grounded her which is done now and you can't go back on it but I think a good dose of showing her how disappointed you are should do the trick.

I stayed out too late once and came back to find my poor elderly Grandmother in tears (early 90's, no phones). I never did that shit again.

NameChanger22 · 04/04/2016 23:34

I think 11 is far to young to be going into town unsupervised, and I think this incident has proven that. I would have been worried sick. You were right to ground her, especially for the dishonesty.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2016 23:42

Do you think she was late coming home because she was worried about facing you? So putting it off?

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2016 23:43

I think 11 is far to young to be going into town unsupervised,

Why? My daughter was going to school in town on a public bus at that age. Last year of primary is a good age to start.

SylviaWrath · 04/04/2016 23:46

11 yes old is fine to get the bus to school, but to be roaming for over eight hours with unknowns? On what planet is that OK?

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 04/04/2016 23:53

Rule number one: no kids (really... no one!) are allowed to touch my work stuff - computers, phones, devices etc. I don't care how else they stay entertained.

Rule number two: if my child is out of contact for more than a couple of hours and I don't know what they are doing/where they are, call the police.

Rule number three: do not point the finger at anyone, before you are completely sure that your accusation is true. This may seriously backfire at you.

Now, hopefully lessons learned, proceed with care to avoid similar situations.

grumpysquash3 · 04/04/2016 23:57

I get that your DH lent them the phone to watch NetFlix, the bit I don't get is that he didn't get it back from them before they left the house.
Especially if all his personal stuff is on it.
Contacting the girls relatives really isn't going to help. I don't think the girls are blameless (far from it) but I do think that DH has to take responsibility for the girls having the phone.
Your DD needs to operate within your boundaries.

GlitterGlassEye · 04/04/2016 23:58

I have a ds just turned 13 (first year in Scotland) and I'd hit the roof if he didn't answer his mobile that length of time. A months grounding sounds right to me. Think some posters don't watch the news at times and take in the reality of what could potentially happen to our own kids.

bettyberry · 05/04/2016 00:19

The friend taking the phone from the OPs house is THEFT not borrowing.

I'd assume, OP, that your DD thought it had been left connected to the TV and your DP would find it there seems as thats where they were using it?

Not answering her phone - I would delve into this a little more with her calmly as you can. She could be covering for these 'friends' which is why the story is changing. I knew my fair share of manipulative friends and at times really struggled to handle it. You've given her the bollocking and the grounding is fine but you do need to know why so you can teach her how to handle situations like this in future.

I do believe she didn't know they had the phone until on the bus and perhaps she was sticking with them in an attempt to retrieve it and she wasn't allowed to call you because they knew she would tell you what had happened and where they were. I'd want to know how they stopped her from calling you? did they take her phone?

I'd want to know the shops they went into, who she was with exactly, what kind of things they were buying. I'd be worried if shop lifting was involved too given the circumstances. (Personal experience with a sibling. Stole from friends and shops)

Its safe to say the phone is gone. Personally, I would report it to the police firstly to cover yourselves if anything does happen with those banking details and secondly to show your daughter just how serious it is.

Banning the friend from the house. Spot on. She stole from you. No chance I would ever have her in again. I don't have my aunt step foot in my house after she stole a couple of DVDs. Only DVDs that time but next time it could've been something more precious.

Gobbolino6 · 05/04/2016 00:25

Hard to tell from your post if it was stolen or lost. I'm inclined to say you are over rather than underreacting.

Floggingmolly · 05/04/2016 00:33

You haven't over reacted st all, op. I don't know why so many posters are comparing an 11 year old getting the bus to and from school by themselves, with an 11 year old mooching round town all day long with what turns out to be dodgy friends and refusing to answer her phone.
And you don't even know exactly who she was with or what she was doing.

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