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Was IBU over DPs dealing with our daughter?

(86 Posts)
Dinosaur44 Mon 04-Apr-16 17:48:59

Last weekend, my 4yo daughter was being difficult at bedtime, not wanting to settle with it being still light at her usual bed time. I went through our usual routine, but she was still 'not sleepy', so I left her to lay in bed for a few minutes whilst I went to fetch in the washing. In between times, my DP took it upon himself to go into DDs room and shout at her for not settling down, which quickly upset her and made her more unsettled.
Because she began crying and shoring back at DP, he decided to threaten to 'put her under the shower' (he knows she hates the shower), which obviously made her cry more. I tried to intervene, but DP sent me away, saying that I was undermining him. Screaming from DD continued, so DP took it upon himself to spray our DD in the face with a watering spray! I couldn't believe it, and dragged DP out of her room so that I could get the situation back under control. Lo and behold, some reassurance from me and a bit of quiet sitting, and DD was asleep. A huge row ensued between DP and myself, during which he accused me of spoiling our DD, informing me that his DM also shares this opinion. Please tell me I was not BU - he is making me feel like I'm going mad...

Sirzy Mon 04-Apr-16 17:50:48

Yadnbu. Perhaps when he is lying in bed tonight he would like to be squirted with water?

acasualobserver Mon 04-Apr-16 17:52:41

He's threatening and using unpleasant punishments. Do you really think you're being unreasonable to be upset about that?

Veterinari Mon 04-Apr-16 17:53:07

How exactly does he think lots of noise and being sprayed with water will encourage sleep? No he's an idiot, you can't shout someone to sleep. Your DD would have got bored and drifted off eventually if she'd been left alone. How the bloody hell does anyone sleep on demand?

He sounds like a controlling twat

Topseyt Mon 04-Apr-16 17:54:11

He was a twat.

Tip a glass of water over him when he is asleep later on. Make sure it is ice cold.

sepa Mon 04-Apr-16 17:54:55

Wtf. Who squirts their 4yo in the face at bed time and expects them to settle down. Your not UR. If this was my OH I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DD with him in the future either if he thinks this is acceptable way to treat her

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Mon 04-Apr-16 17:54:56

He squirted her with water?! 😮

That's downright awful behaviour, I would be livid!

Even if you do spoil your daughter, he shouldn't counter it with being abusive!

Tell 'D'H and his mother to fuck off.

Poor DD sad

KinkyAfro Mon 04-Apr-16 17:55:31

Is he her dad?

DixieNormas Mon 04-Apr-16 17:56:33

if dp sprayed water in any of the dcs faces I'd have kicked him out the bloody house. It's an awful abusive thing to do.

MadamDeathstare Mon 04-Apr-16 17:56:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedACleverNN Mon 04-Apr-16 17:57:19

Is there something missing where your not telling us your daughter is a dog? (Not that I agree with spraying a dog in the face either btw)

Then no yanbu

He is abusive and controlling. Tell him to get his anger under control and make him seek help

DoreenLethal Mon 04-Apr-16 17:58:37

Wow - he is either completely stupid not knowing that shouting causes the flight or fight reaction, or an evil bully.

Either way, what a wanker.

AdrenalineFudge Mon 04-Apr-16 17:59:18

He sprayed her with water? He sounds like a twat of the highest order. Of course yanbu. He needs to apologise to her.

Arfarfanarf Mon 04-Apr-16 17:59:40

That is unacceptable behaviour.
What on earth would posess an adult to behave like that?
Ask him to phone social services and explain what he did and when he doesnt want to - and he wont- point out that that is because he knows that he bullied that child and if he wouldnt want anyone to know what he did - he shouldnt do it!!!

And if his mother supports screaming at young children and using water as punishment, she needs to fuck off too.

Princesspeach1980 Mon 04-Apr-16 17:59:56

That's nasty behaviour, threatening a child with something she is scared of is no way to get a child to sleep! If she was bouncing off the walls then ok to be firm, but if she was laid in bed trying to get to sleep, there was no reason to intervene at all!! Plus I bet 4 year olds all over the country are out of routine with the clock change and the school holidays.

TooOldForGlitter Mon 04-Apr-16 18:00:29

The behaviour you describe is abusive. Spraying a four year old in the face with water, as a punishment would be enough for me to end the relationship. Vile bully of a man.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 04-Apr-16 18:00:30

Are you the poster with the almost 4yo currently under assesment for ASD under a name change?

Buzzardbird Mon 04-Apr-16 18:01:06

I wouldn't stay under the same roof as anyone who did that to my daughter. Even when water 'play' is happening in the garden, faces are off limits. He did it for abusive punishment. That would be the end for me.

WellErrr Mon 04-Apr-16 18:01:06

I would HAVE to start spraying him with water and saying 'No!' everytime he started being a twat.

YANBU. Obviously.

tiggytape Mon 04-Apr-16 18:03:19

YANBU to be upset with him but you were unreasonable to leave the room when he ordered you to.
I get that parents should not undermine each other but when it was at the stage of him bellowing at her and making threats of physical punishments that really scared her, then you had no choice but to intervene. It should never have got to the stage of him actually squirting water at her.

Hopefully this was an exasperated one incident never to be repeated (although his lack of insight and remorse are worrying) but if this is his usual parenting style then I don't see how you could ever let him lead on discipline again - he is overstepping the mark into bullying.

MrsBobDylan Mon 04-Apr-16 18:04:28

Have my first (and I've been a mn for years) LTB. He was abusive to your DD and after theatening her physically, then proceeded to physically abuse her by carrying out his threat.

Really, he is an absolute shit and I can't imagine how scared and bullied your DD must have felt.sad

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Mon 04-Apr-16 18:05:05

This is emotionally abusive and disgusting behaviour. It can never be repeated - if you can't trust him to behave properly then you shouldn't be living with him. Cunt.

Superwitchy Mon 04-Apr-16 18:10:31

I couldn't live with someone who would do that to a child.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 04-Apr-16 18:10:43

Bloody hell that is awful op. Yanbu. At all. He sounds just vile

Dinosaur44 Mon 04-Apr-16 18:11:35

Thank you all for your comments, I couldn't accept that what he did was right, but I've been dealing with crap like this , and his battering down of my confidence and patenting style / ability for so long now I feel like I can't judge what's what anymore. Deep down, I've known for a long time that I need to leave - I'm just so scared of what he'll do. Thank you all, though - I feel stronger now that I know it's not just me who thinks this is wrong...

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