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To think its up to the school to decide on this?

(36 Posts)
BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 13:37:33

DF has won a community award, quite a big one, which is lovely and he feels pleased with himself.
He wants us all to attend when he gets given the award, but its in the day on a working/school day!

DH isn't bothered about going and he has asked him to take time off work, and re the school I have said I will ask permission and he said " let me know if you need help with the school" He is quite pushy. I really resent this pushiness. He also questioned DH as to his time off and how come it was all booked and where are we going etc. Again i resent this - as if he is assessing how important our booked off time is.

My DD is 8 and the thing is already misses a good few hours of school on a regular basis due to an on going medical issue that we cant choose times for. So it not even a one off small absence and only a week before the ceremony she will have missed a good chunk of her day for medical issue which we cant help.

I feel uncomfortable now, in that I feel obliged to ask the school for permission even though I dont really want her to have time off.

Just for background, DF is generally generous with ££, well meaning and kind but also has a very pushy selfish streak. For instance a few times and once in detail I explained this medical issue DD HAS in the past and he had no recollection of it when it was mentioned.

If I dont ask the school at all but just lie and pretend they said no can he ring up the school to ask! I don't want to sound mean but I do also know he wouldn't take time of f work etc. I resent the inferance he could somehow "help" with the school if they denied permission.

CosyNook Mon 04-Apr-16 13:41:35

Are you talking about your DF or taking time off school?

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 04-Apr-16 13:43:39

I suppose you could go in and talk to the school, tell them that you assume permission would be refused and that if he rings up they should just tell him permission is refused and not engage?

OpenMe Mon 04-Apr-16 13:47:18

No, I don't think it's up to the school. I think it's up to you.

If it was a short, part day absence for something you felt was important for your dc to do I'd expect you to ask/tell the school

As it's not you need to say no to your father. Don't Fgs get the school involved in a family squabble.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 13:47:59

sorry thats a jumbled mess isn't it.

I guess what I am saying is - he asked if the dc could come, and I said I would ask the school, it should have been left with that.
He shouldn't have said " let me know if you need help with the school" and when dh said " i cant take any more time off work its all booked" again he should accept this without repeated, asking and pushing.
It seems very arrogant to me, to seem to think he can help with the school. Its an award not him being crowned king of england.

kelper Mon 04-Apr-16 13:49:56

You could always say you asked and they said no!
Could you just go, does everyone need to come with you?

OddBoots Mon 04-Apr-16 13:51:11

You are right in a sense that it is up to the school but you would also be right in saying it is up to you not your DF. How would you feel about suggesting a meal out that evening to celebrate instead of going to the ceremony?

MattDillonsPants Mon 04-Apr-16 13:51:13

YANBU. It sounds like it's gone to his head a bit! Does he think he can influence the school's rules? hmm Is that what he means by "help with the school"?

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 13:52:38

I get the impression he is more interested in the GC being there tBH.

MsMargaretCarter Mon 04-Apr-16 13:53:05

I'd warn the school that he may ring or write to them and that they should refuse to discuss it with him

OpenMe Mon 04-Apr-16 13:54:41

OTOH. The award obviously means a lot to him. Would it kill you to go?

GingerLeaves Mon 04-Apr-16 13:55:48

Maybe he just really wants you all to go? smile

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 13:55:58

well yes Matt I think the power has to his head, quite arrogant and pleased with himself generally.

I am not articulating well here, but its something about the value he is placing on DD at school, and yet, I don't feel he would re org something for dd if you know what I mean...

Also as said DD already misses chunks of school with this medical issue then I am thinking DM is not well and lives a long way away, we may have to go up and see her this year or even be going to funeral etc...

DD does well at school, its his attitude that has irritated me.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 13:58:31

open I would have felt much happier approaching the school if he had just left it with me, the offer to "help with the school" has rather made me feel like digging my heels in. The award certainly does mean alot to him and its all wonderful, but its at an awkard time!

Isetan Mon 04-Apr-16 14:11:19

This is nothing to do with the school and everything to do with your boundaries not being strong enough to deal with such a pushy person. Either you want to go or you don't, pull your big girl pants up and tell him that DD won't be attending because she has missed too much school already.

WetLettuce123 Mon 04-Apr-16 14:18:00

YADNBU that attitude would really really annoy me too. Just tell him straight the children aren't allowed out of school for something like that.

Arfarfanarf Mon 04-Apr-16 14:21:50

You mentiom rhat he is financially generous. If you feel he uses this as leverage either spoken or implied then stop accepting financial help because that instantly breaks that hold, that feeling of obligation, that control.

And say to him no dad, she is not having time off school. If he is seeing you somehow as a dependant child who needs him to step in - show him that he is utterly wrong.

Osolea Mon 04-Apr-16 14:22:59

I agree that it's not up to the school, it's up to you.

You don't think your dd should miss school so that's that. If it would help you to feel stronger in sayin no then there's no harm in you asking the school what they'd say if you filled in an absence request. Then when you're told it would be unauthorised, you can truthfully go back to your dad and say you can't take your dd out of school without it causing an issue.

Fairenuff Mon 04-Apr-16 14:27:17

You decide whether to take your dd out of school for the day, not your father and certainly not the school. School will mark as unauthorised absence anyway so there is no way they give permission.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 14:30:29

does the refusal come in writing?
Fair can I ask how your so sure they would deny this request please....

SouthWesterlyWinds Mon 04-Apr-16 14:32:15

Erm - why would the school be talkin g to your dad about your child?

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 14:33:56


I really hope they wouldn't I hope they would say - who is this, are you the child father etc and I would hope they wouldn't discuss anything to do with our dc with him, but I don't know if this would happen?

I mean if I got the refusal, and he then without me knowing rang up the school to try and wrangle it.....what would the school say!!

OpenMe Mon 04-Apr-16 14:37:25

We have exactly this situation going on at our school. It does not show the parents in a good light and has been a ridiculous waste of the head's time. You need to get it sorted without involving the school, you really do. You've decided you don't want them to go, so don't blame the school (which would probably say yes IME)

SouthWesterlyWinds Mon 04-Apr-16 14:38:40

You would hope that they don't want ofsted, the data protection commissioner or the governors on their arse, they'd refuse to divulge any information without your prior permission. I know if I go into my DC school, unless it refers to my specific child then the answers would be generic and of little or no use to anyone.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Mon 04-Apr-16 14:42:16

open what do you mean?

I am not going to blame the school in any way shape or form and I dont want to involve them any further than asking for a request form.

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