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How would you feel if this was your DD?

(86 Posts)
woodenfloorsopendoors Mon 04-Apr-16 06:43:27

If your DD didn't seem to get involved in anything, had never been to a concert, festival, never seemed to have a proper relationship, never been abroad, limited number of friends and virtually non existent social life, would you be concerned or leave her to it?

thisagain Mon 04-Apr-16 06:45:23

How old?

Caprinihahahaha Mon 04-Apr-16 06:45:48

Both probably.
But it would depend on how happy I thought she was and what she said about it herself. If I was comfortable that she was happy I would leave her be.

curren Mon 04-Apr-16 06:46:58

It depends. How old is the dd? Is she happy?

Like Why hasn't she been abroad? Does she just not want to? If going abroad is important to the parent, surely they would have taken her at some point?

It's not that simple to say I would be worried or not worried.

ExitPursuedByABear Mon 04-Apr-16 06:47:09

It would very much depend on whether it was her choice to live like that. If she was happy then leave her to it.

woodenfloorsopendoors Mon 04-Apr-16 06:47:40

She's now in her 30s and it's difficult to say whether she is happy.

She's a closed book, always has been. I would tentatively say I don't think she is happy, but in all honesty I don't know for sure.

ApocalypseSlough Mon 04-Apr-16 06:48:10

How old? Many of the life events and relationships you describe should happen before the DD had a choice- as part of a rather privileged upbringing. If my DD hadn't done any of those things within a few years of leaving home I'd worry.
Are you the daughter and feel your parents didn't prepare you well for adult life?

ApocalypseSlough Mon 04-Apr-16 06:49:51

Aha x posted.
So when she was a child, in her teens and early adulthood when you were a bigger part of her life what happened about travel relationships and friends?

woodenfloorsopendoors Mon 04-Apr-16 06:50:15

No, she's been abroad plenty, as a child. It was when she left home they all stopped.

YouTheCat Mon 04-Apr-16 06:50:19

My dd has never been to a festival neither have I . She went to a concert once but wasn't impressed.

Lots of people don't go abroad. A festival is my idea of hell. I have a very limited amount of friends because I don't much like people.

If your dd is happy with how her life is, leave her be.

Your idea of what makes someone happy is clearly very different to mine and so it's possible your dd is different too.

woodenfloorsopendoors Mon 04-Apr-16 06:52:55

I wouldn't be concerned if she'd never been to a festival but did plenty of other things smile but she really does seem to have been a little bit limited in terms of horizon exploring. Thank you though, I'll leave her be.

attheendoftheday Mon 04-Apr-16 06:53:47

I would be worried if I thought my dd wasn't happy, but the things that make you happy won't necessarily make her happy.

Birdsgottafly Mon 04-Apr-16 06:58:35

It depends what her friendship group is like.

My middle DD was never and isn't interested in the type of holidays that her friends go on, Ibiza/drinking etc. She doesn't want to go to festivals that have the music that she likes (dance), because of the drug taking and consequential fights.

She also limits her friend, less drama and hassle.

But it comes down to if she's happy and would she want your help?

Buckinbronco Mon 04-Apr-16 07:01:36

Yes I would be concerned but then there wouldn't be anything I could do. It would absolutely be a source of worry

Throwingshadeagain Mon 04-Apr-16 07:01:44

She might well be happy with her life as it is, but you could start a conversation with her to get more of a handle on her and see if she could actually do with some support or a listening ear. Maybe just arrange to go out for lunch, dinner, something just the two of you and get talking. Don't make her feel judged and don't grill her but just ask what she's up to, how work is, any plans coming up.

TalkMeDownPlease Mon 04-Apr-16 07:10:39

Do you think its a confidence thing? Is she shy/anxious? Does she have any friends at all?
We are all different, but it may be that she is somewhat stuck in a rut, and its easier to sit at home rather than take a few risks and try something new.
If you are close, you could suggest trying something together?

Minisoksmakehardwork Mon 04-Apr-16 07:12:28

I'd not worry too much. I didn't go abroad until I was 23. My parents did lots of travelling when they were children (mum was a raf kid) and I think they'd just had enough by the time they started a family.

I've never been to a concert or festival as I wasn't particularly interested, the opportunity never arose and my small friendship circle are also to type not to want to go either.

Equally, I was 25 when I had my first serious relationship (casual dates before) and he is the man I chose to marry and have children with.

I may have mild pangs of regret about not travelling more. But I am on the whole very happy with my life and have plenty of small things which bring me enjoyment.

Only you will know if your dd is actually happy so rather than thinking she should do x, y or z, talk to her to find out what she enjoys doing. And maybe offer to join her in some of these for quality mother/daughter time.

PalcumTowder Mon 04-Apr-16 07:15:42

Can she afford to do all these things? I don't do any of them because I can't afford it, but I do things I enjoy that my mum doesn't necessarily know about because they're not big showy things. I think it seems a strange way to judge someone's happiness or normality or whatever it is you're trying to figure out.

Twowrongsdontmakearight Mon 04-Apr-16 07:26:06

She might just have different tastes and preferences to you. I was dragged to all sorts of things that were my DP's preferences when I was young and thank god never had to go again once I'd left home. When I go on holiday they cant believe I don't do the same sort of things that they find interesting.

I'm not the sort of MNer that would normally say not to interfere or get involved with DCs lives but on this occasion I will. She might be very happy with doing things her way. Concerts and travel are important to you but she is her own person not a mini-me. If she prefers to be home with a book or TV it's her choice. Let her enjoy it in peace without nagging from you.

Sorry - feel this personally. It took me years to shake off perceived inadequacy because I wasn't 'as good/ambitious/cultured' as DP. But actually I'm a much happier and more contented person.

Ditsy4 Mon 04-Apr-16 07:29:19

Likewise if she seems happy with her life then not a problem. A few good close friends are all you need, lots of beautiful places to holiday in Britain, might be tired after work and prefer to stay in.
Is this your DD? Or a relative or friend? You could check if she is happy. Invite her out for a meal. Have a few days abroad if she would like to go. However if she is happy with life don't interfere.

woodenfloorsopendoors Mon 04-Apr-16 07:42:59

It's impossible to say if she's happy or not tbh.

Buckinbronco Mon 04-Apr-16 07:49:18

The lack of holidays or concerts wouldn't give me a second thought it's the lack of relationships that would concern me. I think very few people are happy without friends or
Sexual relationships

pilates Mon 04-Apr-16 07:50:53

Why don't you offer to take her away for the weekend? See what her reaction is. If she jumps at the chance then great or if she doesn't seem interested then leave it. May be its a lack of money/friends preventing her from doing things. Does she seem depressed or unhappy? You sound like a caring mum who just wants her DD to be happy, nothing wrong with that.

kissmelittleass Mon 04-Apr-16 08:00:31

Don't be concerned it's not a crime to not want to go abroad go to a concert etc! I'm in my forties I have never been to a concert or festival, have only started to travel abroad since my late thirties because I couldn't afford it before. I have no friends because I'm a extremely shy person but I do have a social life at times am friendly like a laugh with extended family and my eldest kids. Leave her be she's a grown adult in her thirties, chat to her maybe see how she feels but don't push your views.

msrisotto Mon 04-Apr-16 08:05:32

So the question is, is she happy? Does she ever talk to you about it? Is she trying to find friends/partners, tried online dating etc?

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