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Wedding poem and how much to give

(133 Posts)
WeddingGift Sun 03-Apr-16 08:25:26

So I've received a wedding invitation with this poem;
We've lived together quite a while
With all our pots and pans
And as we don't need homely gifts
We've got another plan.
We know its not traditional
And not the way it's done
But rather than a wedding list
We'd love a bit of sun.
So if you'd like to give a gift
And send us on our way
A Thomas Cook Voucher
Would really make our day!
But the choice is really up to you and we would like to say
That the best gift we could receive is you here on our special day!

I don't know how much to give! I also hate being asked for money as I feel it's like putting a value on the friendship to some people. I would describe the friend as a good friend and we've known each other a year. I would much prefer to give a gift but feel this may be bad etiquette? I've only been to one wedding and they had a gift list.
For context my dp earns around 25k and I earn minimum wage whilst looking after our 1yo. We are in the process of buying our own home so not loads of spare cash.
Thanks!

WeddingGift Sun 03-Apr-16 08:26:24

Sorry, my aibu; would ibu to give a gift instead? If so what amount of vouchers would you give?

WellErrr Sun 03-Apr-16 08:28:39

Oooh I've got a good collection of these! grin

I'd give them £20 and the pleasure of my company.

WoodleyPixie Sun 03-Apr-16 08:28:42

Give what you can afford. What you would have spent on a gift so anywhere from £20 to £100+ personally wouldn't go below £20

Hassled Sun 03-Apr-16 08:31:16

That poem is seriously awful! And they make it sound like they're the first people to have thought of asking guests to fund their honeymoon, when in fact it seems to happen more often than not (I'm basing this entirely on MN threads, in fairness).

If you bought a present, what would you spend? £20? Spend that on vouchers. Yes, there's an awkwardness because the b&g will know exactly how much you've spent, but if you were buying something off an official wedding list it would be the same. You're not earning big money, you have a toddler - don't feel obligated to spend any more than you can spare. If they're nice people they'll completely understand.

Alconleigh Sun 03-Apr-16 08:33:18

I'd be tempted to call their bluff on the 'presence as present' line, for being so tacky with the poem. Appreciate you probably don't actually want to do that though....what about a bottle of wine or champagne?

WeddingGift Sun 03-Apr-16 08:33:53

Thanks! I would normally spend 20 on a gift. It just doesn't look like a lot! I'm friends with her as part of a group of others and my family is the worst off so feel a little embarrassed!
I know, the poem is terrible!

Aeroflotgirl Sun 03-Apr-16 08:34:28

I hate those poems, really stomach churning and crass, just come out with it and say what you want instead of putting it in a crass poem. Just give what you can afford.

londonrach Sun 03-Apr-16 08:35:07

What you can afford. Personally i tend to avoid giving money even with poems and give something useful as i hate people knowing how much you give. I gave some cooking bits and pieces instead of money once to new couple setting up home and despite them asking for money i heard via the grapeline then by a thank you card they particularly like the cheap ikea grater ( was £2.97 i gave other items too as made a package up). which is a container too. Dont think they seen one before but i use mine daily. Must mention that grater on the thread about useful household crap!

allegretto Sun 03-Apr-16 08:36:16

I wouldn't spend less than 50 and more like 100. 20 is only 10 each so not going to get them far.

TeaBelle Sun 03-Apr-16 08:36:17

If you know where they're off to, coukd you buy foreign currency? Bit less obvious how much you've spent

Friolero Sun 03-Apr-16 08:36:26

The poem is horrendous, but I'd give them a Thomas Cook voucher like they've asked for, no point wasting money on a gift they don't want and at least they're asking for vouchers rather than just cash! If you'd normally spend £20 on a gift then give that amount.

Birdsgottafly Sun 03-Apr-16 08:37:54

If £20 is what you can afford, then that's fine.

I prefer to give money/vouchers.

The only weddings that I've been to, have been with a DP and we've given around £50 between us, more if the Wedding hasn't needed an overnight stay etc.

curren Sun 03-Apr-16 08:38:36

I would give them £20.

The realistic pessimistic side of me feels that people ask for money because they know people will feel like they have to give more than they would of buying a gift.

I fucking hate this sort of thing. I can't believe people still do it.

WeddingGift Sun 03-Apr-16 08:41:02

london I have the same grater!
allegretto 100 is two whole days work for me. I only work 3 days a week. Maybe I should just save and try and give 50 then so I don't look mean!
It's so hard!
Tea they haven't decided where they're going yet! I think they're probably waiting to see how many vouchers they get! The wedding is in a couple of months, a couple of weeks after we pay all out solicitors fees too! Everything comes at once!

Throwingshadeagain Sun 03-Apr-16 08:44:01

Oh I see you've posted the same thread twice, was very confused as was sure I just commented!

Could you report one of your threads and get it deleted.

SellFridges Sun 03-Apr-16 08:44:12

The poem is crass.

It is tradition in this country to give a gift when you attend a wedding, and it has been custom for decades to provide a gift list to avoid waste. I have no problem with a list or a request for vouchers/cash. I do have a problem when neither are provided!

Just give what you would spend on a gift. We received anything from £20 to several hundred. I was only (mildly) peeved at those who attended without even giving a card but even then I have just assumed they got lost.

ClashCityRocker Sun 03-Apr-16 08:45:35

Well, the utterly shite poem does say 'the choice is up to you' so I'd take the Thomas cook voucher as just a suggestion and get them a nice photo frame or something.

NicknameUsed Sun 03-Apr-16 08:47:33

"I wouldn't spend less than 50 and more like 100. 20 is only 10 each so not going to get them far"

You maybe wouldn't, but that is a lot of money for the OP. I would give what you can comfortably afford.

Ratbagcatbag Sun 03-Apr-16 08:47:57

We asked for money for our wedding gifts <dons hard hat> we didn't do a poem though. We genuinely did mean it when we said what was important was sharing our day. A few people turned up with presents, they were lovely and gratefully appreciated. Most people gave £20, it was lovely and generous of them and we were extremely grateful they had given their time as well. Please don't think £20 doesn't seem a lot, we recognised it as being a lot and all those £20's added to a fantastic long weekend for our honeymoon and a fabulous dinner service.

WeddingGift Sun 03-Apr-16 08:50:12

throwing thanks I've reported it. It was an error, not on purpose.
Thanks everyone! I'm always listening out for things she says she would like but they always buy it as they're quite well off!
I'll maybe give 30 as a comprise!

WeddingGift Sun 03-Apr-16 08:51:27

Ratbag that's lovely, I feel better after you've shared that!

XiCi Sun 03-Apr-16 08:52:02

Is it just an evening invitation or have you been invited to the whole day?
I think 20 quid is absolutely fine for an evening invitation but as a day guest I usually give at least 50.

AuntyElle Sun 03-Apr-16 08:52:38

That is such an unhelpful comment from allegretto! It's not about how far it will "get them". If you give vouchers base it on what you would spend on a gift and what you can afford (without struggling or saving!)

mamager Sun 03-Apr-16 08:53:39

Don't give more than you can afford.

£20 is fine.

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