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AIBU?

Am I going mad? Dh argument.

33 replies

Maisy313 · 02/04/2016 23:25

I feel like I have no idea, had friends over today for lunch and dp was making drinks, we were having a slightly irritable conversation in the kitchen (he'd had to run into work this morning and id been left to sort house / make lunch with two dc one of whom is 20mo and he returned in a bit of a fed up state at that same time as our guests). I was holding the ice cube tray under the sink and was about to turn the tap on and he pulled it out of my hands in a really irritable way and went to take over. A couple of months ago he pushed me (not very hard) from the sink when we were having an argument about washing up and I was in the middle of doing it. Something about this action just seemed really dismissive / rude to me and reminded me of precious incident, I know it sounds completely ridiculous but it's the being taken over when in the middle of doing something. I brought it up after our guests left, he denied it happened then said if it did happen it wasn't irritable and he took over to help me, it's this outright lying that makes me feel slightly insane. Although perhaps is a non issue in the first place? In the end we had an argument which resulted in him telling me to fuck off. Sometimes I just feel the more I do (have covered all the Childcare this Easter holiday (we both work) and he has been away with work so also holding forte on my own, goes unappreciated - it's almost as if the more I do the least appreciation he shows.

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Vintage45 · 02/04/2016 23:34

Doesn't sound like he likes you or respects you very much op.

Frenchseam · 02/04/2016 23:36

Yanbu. That sort of behaviour is not on. They do that then they make you feel like you're the one with the problem. I don't like it. doesnt matter who said what, it's how it made you feel that's important.

Maisy313 · 02/04/2016 23:40

Thanks Frenchseam, I think the feeling I can't shake off is that it left me feeling embarrassed. But the fact he is so adamant that there is nothing to talk about makes me feel insane. He NEVER apologies for his behaviour, only about my feelings if that makes sense. It just feels so dishonest, I know how it happened why can't he just say 'I was grumpy, shouldn't have snatched it from you, sorry'

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HirplesWithHaggis · 02/04/2016 23:40

Google "gaslighting". It may be illuminating.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/04/2016 23:43

It's a minor act of aggression which he then tried to deny. It's not the first time. Have a very clear conversation with him when you are both calm and tell him it is utterly unacceptable.
If the trigger is those type of niggly sniping conversations that happen when both people are fed up / tetchy then both of you need to find a way of de escalating the situation.
If on the other hand it is him taking out his bad moods on you then I would be taking it very seriously and making it clear that you won't tolerate it.

acasualobserver · 02/04/2016 23:44

Trust your judgement.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/04/2016 23:45

X post.
Yes I think you should google gaslighting. Also have a think about if it is one of a series of events.

Maisy313 · 02/04/2016 23:49

That's it Chaz, I'm not scared of him, he isn't a violent person - but what drives me mad is his total lack of ability to ever admit bad behaviour - he literally can't do it. The more I try and explain why I don't like it the more neurotic I sound about a bloody ice cube tray, but we never revolve any issues because he can't admit to any bad feelings, he denies even being mildly annoyed - he retuned home in a bad mood, I was annoyed he was in a bad mood as we had guests and was embarrassed hence the scene which apparently didn't happen. It wouldn't be a big deal if I felt we could have an honest conversation where we both admit to anger or fault. He just can't so our relationship never moves on. In our whole relationship I don't think he has once admitted to feeling angry.

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Maisy313 · 02/04/2016 23:52

Now I come to think of it once something did happen that was really horrible and I almost can't write it down - it makes me feel ashamed. He punched the wall near our babies cot when he was crying in the night - we'd had a horrible time with our baby being hospitalised after birth and wrongly being diagnosed with a brain bleed and I think he was very stressed - but when I was very upset by it he said it was natural to get frustrated and he hadn't hurt anyone etc.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/04/2016 23:54

That is a problem because you are always being cast as the unreasonable one. If he won't accept there is a problem with his moods it is difficult to know what to do other than call him out on it each and every time.

ouryve · 02/04/2016 23:56

Well frustration in that very extreme circumstance isn't unheard of and can be forgiveable, but it seems to be the case that he finds it quite natural to be aggressive and dominating.

What's he like with other family?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 02/04/2016 23:56

DH had a tendency to take over when he was on edge. We spent a long time ironing out the ground rules but we generally now do not interfere when the other has taken ownership of a task unless assistance is explicitly requested. So DH may not rearrange the dishwasher on my dishwasher night once I've started. If he is dealing with a dc tantrum I will not interfere etc.

YouTheCat · 02/04/2016 23:57

He's a violent arsehole. The 'normal' reaction to a crying baby isn't punching a wall.

I don't often say this but, either he admits his problem he won't or you need to leave.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/04/2016 23:59

X post
He clearly has emotional control issues. Things like punching the wall is a threatening action, I bet you felt scared. Feeling stressed is normal, punching a wall isn't.
It's a bit like he wants to make you pay for his stress or offload it on to you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 03/04/2016 00:00

Oh disregard my post in light of the wall Punching revelation.

Maisy313 · 03/04/2016 00:01

The funny thing is he is so in aggressive in general (although I do feel he drives in a very aggressive fashion - sometimes I feel putting us in danger to prove a point if someone is cutting in etc) but again he denies this. He does a high pressure job, has a lot of employees under him and is known for his calmness. He doesn't have a huge amount of patience with out 5 yo ds. I'm not perfect in this relationship and am unreasonable at times, but can say sorry and talk about my feelings, he can't.

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Maisy313 · 03/04/2016 00:02

Christ I feel like I'm going mad and have no fucking idea who I'm married to.

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Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 00:03

He's sounding worse in every post. He's an aggressive man OP.

YouTheCat · 03/04/2016 00:04

You are not going mad. He is gaslighting you.

He sounds a lot like my exh.

No one is perfect but most people don't go around punching walls and losing their temper with babies.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/04/2016 00:04

Is he calm with his employees because he can tell them what to do. He can control them but he can't control you or your DC.

Liss85 · 03/04/2016 00:07

Sounds like the beginnings of an abusive relationship. It always starts with little acts of violence and aggression and making you feel like it's your fault so that when the really bad stuff happens your self esteem is so low and you're so far in you feel like you can't leave and blame yourself.

He needs to address this or you need to leave before it gets worse wnd someone gets hurt. Him putting his hands on you, however gentle, is not acceptable.

ouryve · 03/04/2016 00:07

So the wall punching wasn't a one off reaction to worry - it's lingering there all the time, but kept under control around people who would have his guts for garters if he was aggressive around them.

Not good.

nd you are definitely not going mad.

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Aradiacat · 03/04/2016 00:09

This sounds like my ex-h. It only became apparent to me just how abusive he was once I left. The denying and twisting things is gaslighting and the pushing and punching walls is aggressive and abusive. Ditto the driving fast when angry. What opened my eyes was reading the Lundy Bancroft book. I honestly didn't realise just how insidious it was till I read that book. My ex would twist everything, he would act just the same as yours then deny everything and would go mad if I pointed out how he was acting and then entire rows would occur, always about my reaction to his behaviour, NEVER the behaviour itself.

I highly recommend that book. He is an arse OP. I wish I had realised sooner and got out before I finally did.

Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 00:09

You are not going mad. He has issues, and seems abusive to me. all of the following examples are unacceptable;

Physical abuse - barging you out of the way

Emotional abuse - telling you to fuck off, and gaslighting you (denial / making you feel like you're going mad)

Violence - punching a wall - that's intimidation and lack of control

Driving aggressively (read potentially dangerously)

Maisy313 · 03/04/2016 00:12

The more I think the more minor incidents I remember. He doesn't shout if I have friends with children over etc but I always feel really tense about the house being a mess when he comes home, his anger is very hidden so it's all very hard to make sense of.

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