To think it's not fair? (DP & Finances)

[MalcolminaX]

I am late 20s with a boyfriend of two years, who in in his mid 30s. No kids. I have been saving for a deposit for four years, so before we met. Finally I’m in a position to buy though I’ll be very poor for two years paying back money to family that I’ve borrowed in order to raise the full deposit.

It would be fair to say that buying this flat is one of my top priorities. Having grown up in an unstable situation, I have a deep-seated need for security, independence and privacy. My adult life has been shaped by these needs in terms of education and career choices.

My boyfriend’s priorities are very different. He prefers to spend most of his wages on accumulating possessions and going on holiday, mostly alone. He does not care for privacy or security in the way I do and is content with a rented room in a rundown shared house (…and I am not).

Although I earn a lot more, I work more hours, in an equally stressful job. We get paid about the same per hour worked. I save a lot each month and I have significantly less money to spend on leisure. This is my choice: I am happy to do so in order to safeguard my future as much as possible.

So – we both say we’d like to be together forever and build a life together. We’d like to live together in the future, though he doesn’t want to move into my new flat as it wouldn’t have enough room for his guitar collection. He’d like to ‘go in’ with me in a few years to buy a bigger place, with my approx. 65k equity, and his approx. 5k savings (that he’s planning to accrue over the next three years, during which he’d spend about 10k on solo holidays and things for his hobby).

AIBU to think that’s just not FAIR?
Or AIBU because I'm no worse off than if I were single?

[Chchchchangeabout]

YANBU.

[Chchchchangeabout]

Also, you would end up worse off if you split

[LIZS]

Yanbu and I'm doubtful that this relationship will survive unless you resolve your differing attitudes.

[VimFuego101]

Well presumably you'd have something drawn up to reflect what each of you put in, or maybe he could pay a larger share of the mortgage. Or you could rent out your flat rather than selling and using the equity. I wouldn't just 'give' him that equity though, and frankly it's a bit of a red flag about how he is with money if he expects you to.

[edwinbear]

If you have such a different outlook on finances and priorities in terms of spending/saving do you want a long term relationship with him? People are entitled to choose what proportion of their money is spent vs saved, but if two people in a relationship have very opposing views it is likely to end up in anger and frustration all round.

[3boys3dogshelp]

I'm sorry to say it, but you just don't sound very well matched. From your OP you don't sound like you are coming from the same place at all with regards to money, priorities, how you spend your time. Neither of you is wrong, just very very different. Are you sure you want to stay with him??

[annandale]

Tricky one. My first instinct is that you should just stick to your plans. You've worked extremely hard for your goals and for good reasons. He presumably doesn't have much room for his guitar collection at his current place - what's the problem?

However, I'm also struck that you don't sound as if you respect your boyfriend very much. If a woman posted on here saying that her partner wanted to go ahead and buy a place without regard for her or her wishes, there might well be posts suggesting that her partner didn't really love her and she should break up with him.

I still think you should go ahead tbh, I agree with you 100% about security and not playing games with money. But I remember how DH made some financial decisions with regard to me moving in that I'm sure hard-headed business logic would have said were madness - but he did it anyway because we loved each other. He felt he could trust me and as it happened he could, sort of. He's not financially better off for having me in his life though, not at all.

[quicklydecides]

You are fundamentally incompatible.

Imagine the joy you would feel if you were going out with a fabulous man who worked hard, saved, applauded your efforts, and already owed his o own property due to his prudent hardworking nature.
You'd marry that man.

But don't marry this one.
He's rubbish.

[EpoxyResin]

He'd like to go in with you? I bet he would! Did you laugh??

YANBU by the way.

[expatinscotland]

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but planning a future with this man will only end in tears. He's far, far too immature for you.

[RubbleBubble00]

Buy your flat. He's only a bf at the moment, things change

[MalcolminaX]

The reason that I've proceeded with buying a place is that we live in a VERY expensive part of the UK, and if I waited 6 months until we'd decided whether or not to buy together, I probably wouldn't be able to buy alone...

He's a wonderful person and I love him loads, but I do think we have very different views on finances and our future plans.

He's from a quitre standard middle-class background and will be left property in the future. I will not. This probably affects my commitment to providing for my future...

[Lunar1]

Imagine finding someone compatible with you, your future deposit could be double or more. My dh is a saver like me and we had a lovely deposit to put down when we got our first house together. You will never feel secure with this man.

[Inertia]

It doesn't look as though you both want the same things. He's quite happy to buy property as long as you do the hard work of saving for him. He's quite clear that you should know your place- below holidays, guitars and other possessions. You will be considered acceptable to cohabit with when you can house his guitars- on your own, you are not an attractive enough option.

You're in your late twenties.Do you want to have children? If so, has he told you what conditions you need to meet in order for him to 'go in ' with you on that?

He just doesn't seem to have reached the same stage of life as you, nor does he seem to value you enough to plan your life around.

[Baconyum]

I agree incompatible at best, though tbh he sounds like a man child! Still living in a share house unnecessarily in his mid 30's more interested in things and. Holidays (alone) and his guitar collection than securing his future? I'd advise running for the hills! Is he in a band/a wannabe pop star?

[Houseworkavoider]

I'll go in with you for £5k!
Yanbu.

[Nanny0gg]

Your values are too different. Eventually there will be resentment. I cannot see this being a long term relationship at all. Sorry.

[Xmasbaby11]

There's nothing wrong with his attitude Imo but you don't sound compatible.

I'd go ahead and buy your flat on your own and see how your relationship goes. I'd worry in a few years he'd still be enjoying a single lifestyle and not ready to commit.

[PPie10]

You both sound completely incompatible even before you live together. He sounds like a man child too. How do you even find this attractive? At mid 30's as well his whole outlook on life is such a put off.

[Trills]

we’d like to be together forever and build a life together

Do you really want to "build a life" with someone whose priorities and values are so different to yours?

I wouldn't.

[Xmasbaby11]

He's in his early thirties - the prospect of inheriting property one day (may never happen!) Should not be enough for him to not care about securing his own future.

[Twitterqueen]

You really, really, really don't want to be making any kind of joint financial decisions or agreements with this man. Have a relationship by all means, but on your terms, and just keep him as a pet. Because he's clearly not going to contribute anything.

[Cressandra]

YANBU and this is not a normal way to proceed. Your attitudes are so different, it's really not a good mix.

Expecting to be left property is no excuse. Apart from being distasteful and risky, he may not inherit until his 60s or 70s. Where will he keep his guitar collection until then, if he doesn't piggyback on your hard earned savings?

[MalcolminaX]

annandale your comments about me not respecting my DP make me feel really sad... If we do stay together (which I hope we do) then everything I'm doing now will benefit him. He'd benefit from my home, my pension, my healthcare etc. The reason I want to buy now is that if I don't, I won't be able to, at least not in this city.

[expatinscotland]

Be glad he doesn't want to move in with you because you don't have space for his guitar collection, you'd soon find yourself the proud owner of a cocklodger.