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to think I am not a bloody back-up plan?

(18 Posts)
VioletTea Sat 02-Apr-16 20:32:49

Ok so I have a younger brother and we've always got on well, except for the last 4-5 years, we've kind of drifted apart, gone for long periods without speaking, only see each other at our mum's house during family get togethers etc.

I started feeling bad about this and recently (during the past 12 months) I've tried calling, texting, getting in touch and asking to meet up with him. He lives with our mum still, works full-time, goes out a lot with his mates and has a girlfriend.

Every single time I get in touch with him he makes me feel second best and won't commit to an arrangement. If I call him, half the time he won't answer and won't bother ringing me back. If I text him he'll make me wait days /weeks before even replying.

His replies are usually via texts and are always along the lines of "Well call me nearer the time and I'll see if I'm free." Or "I don't know, I might be busy that day, but I might not." Or "Well call me the day before and I'll tell you if I'm free or not."

Aibu to think this is bloody rude and making someone feel like they're nothing more than a fall back option?
He goes out a lot with his mates and he can't arrange one afternoon with his sister?

Yesterday was the last straw. I texted him back in February to say I had yesterday off, and would love to meet up. Of course he didn't reply for a week and when he did it was the standard non-committal "Maybe, ask me the day before."
I texted him Monday and asked, "are you free Friday then?" He replied no he'd arranged to just stay in as he had the day off (which is why I thought we could get together in the first place) and wanted to have a lazy day at home.
Last night on Facebook I saw that he'd been tagged in loads of pictures, he'd gone out for the day with 10 of his mates.

So I am obviously not an interesting option for him and he clearly can't be bothered with me can he?
My DH asks why I bother with him. I'm wondering that too right now?!

VioletTea Sat 02-Apr-16 20:33:36

Wow sorry I didn't mean for this to be so long blush

VimFuego101 Sat 02-Apr-16 20:35:25

If you're married while he's young, free and single, maybe he just feels you don't have a lot in common right now? He probably isn't used to 'organizing' seeing family off his own back either, if he still lives with your parents he probably doesn't need to yet. I wouldn't take it personally.

Birthgeek Sat 02-Apr-16 20:36:51

we've kind of drifted apart

You can't force him to change and he sounds like he's happy with how things were. It may change in the future though. Don't sweat it.

VioletTea Sat 02-Apr-16 20:37:53

Vim I try not to but it hurts, we used to be fairly close and he used to come to me with his problems etc.

He's 29, not some immature teenager.

sepa Sat 02-Apr-16 20:37:56

I would just stop texting him! I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset but I do think it's normal for siblings to drift apart. My sister and I only regularly started talking since I became pregnant then had DD.

SeaCabbage Sat 02-Apr-16 20:39:04

I agree with Vim.

Why are you chasing him when he obviously isn't at a time in his life where he is that bothered to see you? People go through stages and hopefully you will be closer again in the future.

But for the moment he is telling you loud and clear that he isn't that keen on meeting up. Hard though it might be to hear. I guess that's his perogative.

RudeElf Sat 02-Apr-16 20:39:41

He doesnt want to resume the closeness. I think you need to take the hint.

TopHat33 Sat 02-Apr-16 20:49:01


I don't know what else to suggest though. If you used to be closer, he's possibly just going through a period where he has a lot going on his own life and needs wants to focus on that.

I would just send him a message/call next week saying 'it would be lovely to have a proper catch up' then leave it.

YANBU to be hurt but things may well change again in a year or two and you just need to try and not be upset in the meantime.

greenfolder Sat 02-Apr-16 21:46:13

My dsis has always had form for this. I decided that it no longer bothered me and left her to make arrangements, it took several years

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 21:50:02

I would stop contacting him and let him make the effort next time. Could be a long wait

70isaLimitNotaTarget Sat 02-Apr-16 22:22:50

Let him make the next move.
You know where he is if he lives at home.
He'll always be your brother so no getting away from him.

When I read "Back Up Plan" I thought he was organising things with you and his mates/gf then seeing what the better offer was or expecting you to mind his DC at the drop of a hat or something.

Your DH is right. Step away a bit flowers

ExpressTrainComingThrough Sat 02-Apr-16 22:28:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Damselindestress Sun 03-Apr-16 00:02:21

Sorry to say this but he isn't using you as a backup plan, he is trying to tell you he doesn't want to meet up. If he did he would have by now. It took two of you to drift apart and it takes two to change that. He isn't ready to. He was clearly comfortable with the way things were. Try not to fall out just because you are in different places emotionally but do back off and let him come to you when he is ready rather than trying to force a friendship.

FWIW I only see my brother at family meetups and we're both OK with that. I wouldn't decline if he wanted to socialise but I would probably find it really awkward as we don't have a lot in common and I think conversation would be stilted without another person. We still love each other, siblings don't have to be BFFs.

Vintage45 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:08:23

I feel for you OP but just because you've now decided you want to become closer he clearly doesn't. Back off and who knows what the future may hold.

Leeds2 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:14:13

Just stop contact other than Happy Birthday, Happy Christmas etc. If he wants to see you in between times, let him make the running.

Topseyt Sun 03-Apr-16 00:36:31

Step back. He likes the status quo so give him that space.

Your DH os right. Stop bothering and stressing so much over it. Leave your brother to do the running from now onwards.

BackforGood Sun 03-Apr-16 00:42:52

I agree with Vim too - he's young, free and single. Spending time with his sister is hardly going to be a priority!

See him when you see him at your Mum's, and leave him be.

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