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I honestly don't know. Sensitive subject.

(171 Posts)
QuirksAndQuandaries Sat 02-Apr-16 19:25:03

I am a long term frequent poster but have namechanged as I just want the information here to be considered in isolation. I am happy to change back later if anyone is concerned about trolling.

Parents (M and F) are told by their teenage daughter (D) that her uncle (B - M's younger brother) sexually abused her repeatedly throughout childhood. B is arrested but denies it to the police. B later admits to his mother (D's grandmother) that he did do it. M and F are also aware of this, and tell D. The family unit ceases contact with B, but all still see the grandmother separately.

D is interviewed by police (she describes the abuse while recorded and with M and F watching behind a screen) and is told she can attempt prosecution. At home, M asks D not to because of fears for B's safety in prison. D drops the subject.

A while later D finds a recent postcard from B and realises that M is still in contact. She is angry and upset and confronts M as she sees it as a betrayal, but is told that she cannot control M's relationship with B. The subject is again dropped.

For the next 15 years M continues seeing B, but hides it. F is not happy about it but does not interfere. D suspects but the subject is never approached.

I'm sorry this all sounds ridiculous. But I have wondered for a long time what is 'right' in this mess. If indeed there is any 'right' at all.

I guess I am asking 1) is M right to continue seeing B, and 2) does D have the right to be upset about it.

Be gentle. Please.

Stradbroke Sat 02-Apr-16 19:26:58

No mother is not right. At all. And yes the daughter has every right to be devastated by it.

waitingimpatient Sat 02-Apr-16 19:27:13

M is wrong. D has every right to be upset

What sort of a parent would want to continue seeing someone who abused their child ?? That's horrific sad

veryproudvolleyballmum Sat 02-Apr-16 19:27:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetieDrops Sat 02-Apr-16 19:29:10

I think D has every right to be upset. The "fears for his safety in prison" hmm comes across as M caring more about the abuser than her daughter who had the right to see justice done to the bastard.

iMatter Sat 02-Apr-16 19:29:49

Mother is wrong; daughter has every right to be furious/cut mother out her life.

It's the ultimate betrayal imo.

MangoBiscuit Sat 02-Apr-16 19:30:28

In M's shoes I fear I might inflict serious harm if I ever saw B again. blush D has every right to be upset.

GoldenBlue Sat 02-Apr-16 19:30:37

Personally D is absolutely right to be upset

I understand M loves his brother but what has been done to D is unforgivable. If my brother did such a thing to my child he'd be lucky to make it to prison in one piece.

Does M not love his daughter? I imagine she would struggle to feel cared about in this scenario.

She should have had justice then the ongoing contact might not be so hurtful.

Quite disgusted at M's behaviour

GoldenBlue Sat 02-Apr-16 19:32:52

Sorry got genders switched around, and if anything with M being mother I'm even more upset on behalf of D. Poor girl.

ASAS Sat 02-Apr-16 19:32:54

Are you D?

What an awful situation to find yourself in. None of this is your fault. The fault lies with every adult.

Asking such a thing of a child. Awful.

CatThiefKeith Sat 02-Apr-16 19:33:07

I don't have a brother, I have a sister. I am 100% sure that if either if us had abused the others child the mother of the affected child would cut contact.

However. I am 43. My dsis is 12 years younger. We had a pervy uncle in the family and were just told (by numerous relatives) never to be alone with him or get in his car. confused

If this is historical. As 70's / 80's kids, my sister and I have discussed at length that the attitude back then was horrendous, and we were from a 'normal' family. Look at how JS's victims were disbelieved. angry

Whether this post is about you or someone else op, I am very sorry you/they have been let down. thanks

EverySongbirdSays Sat 02-Apr-16 19:33:09

I'd be fucking horrified if this was a member of my family and somebody I cared about and if I had a DB - who had molested my child I'd kill him with my bare hands and go to prison myself never mind keep in touch!

D has every right and reason to be devastated it's a double betrayal first by uncle who is meant to love and protect her and then my her own mum.

TimeToMuskUp Sat 02-Apr-16 19:33:44

M was absolutely in the wrong for maintaining contact with B, who violated D in the very worst possible way. If that wasn't enough to make M cease contact, I'd guess M's moral compass and sense of family were terribly skewed.

D has every right to feel utterly betrayed by M. M should be shamed beyond belief, and F should have pushed M harder to break off all contact, knowing what it would do to D.

FourForYouGlenCoco Sat 02-Apr-16 19:33:47

M is completely in the wrong. Utterly. I can't believe she would want to stay in contact anyway. If that was my DD I'd be hunting the fucker down. And hoping he got what he deserved in prison. The poor daughter, to be so let down by her own mother.

Lexie1970 Sat 02-Apr-16 19:34:09

It is a tough one ... Daughter has every right to be upset over the abuse, however ultimately this is a mothers son. She is sure to find what he did was abhorrent and can possibly never forgive what he did but he is still her son. We do not know whether he went to prison, what measures have been put in place to ensure he will not re offend etc.

Imagine if it was your son that had committed the offence - would you completely go NC?

I don't think the mother is necessarily wrong but can totally understand why daughter feels betrayed....

JuxtapositionRecords Sat 02-Apr-16 19:34:46

The mother is completely and utterly wrong, and more than that is enabling a child abuser. Obviously firstly who would ever let someone get away with doing this to their child. Secondly who knows who else he has done this to as she has let him get away with it. Do you think there could be more to it, maybe the brother abused her? Utterly vile situation.

Chrysanthemum5 Sat 02-Apr-16 19:35:14

M is completely in the wrong. It was unacceptable to pressurised D into not going ahead with a prosecution and to keep contact with her child's abuser. If you are D I can only say how sorry I am that you've been through this.

ScarlettDarling Sat 02-Apr-16 19:35:34

I love my brothers. However I love my children more than anyone or anything on earth. If one of my brothers hurt my child in this way, I would never forgive him. I would never speak to him again and I would want him sent to prison for a long time.

The mother was so very in the wrong here.

If the daughter in the op is you, or someone else close to you, I'm very sorry for what you've been through.

OneMagnumisneverenough Sat 02-Apr-16 19:36:27

Personally if I was D I'd now be seeking to prosecute B. I can't believe that her Mother has allowed a self admitted paedophile to continue to be at liberty in the community. That is totally not a normal reaction. This might sound even more awful, but are they having a relationship?

EverySongbirdSays Sat 02-Apr-16 19:36:48

Lexie - this isn't the abusers mum, it's the victims mum, the abusers sister.

JuxtapositionRecords Sat 02-Apr-16 19:37:20

lexie it's the mothers brother not son. Not that it's relevant. And yes if this was any one of my family I would cut them off and ensure they got what they deserved by going to prison. The daughter to feel 'betrayed' is an understatement.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Apr-16 19:37:30

If I were D I'd cease all contact with M. It blows my mind a parent can do this to their child.

BadgersNadgers Sat 02-Apr-16 19:37:40

M stopped B from being prosecuted then kept in touch with him? She's facilitating his abuse. She's a disgrace.

QuirksAndQuandaries Sat 02-Apr-16 19:39:04

I forgot to say, sorry - I will respond properly after a while, stupid time to write the OP as I am staying with family and they are serving dinner. Also it will give me the chance to read lots of responses, if that makes sense.

Thank you very much for your responses so far. They are appreciated.

Also I am sorry about the robot-like way I'm writing here, as I said I just want it to be as neutral as possible.

Back later.

veryproudvolleyballmum Sat 02-Apr-16 19:39:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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