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I'm feeling so let down and alone by my family

(26 Posts)
mastermindfinalist123 Sat 02-Apr-16 00:34:59

My life - like most of yours, I imagine - is very compartmentalised.

There are great things and shit things.

My work is amazing. I love it. I'm appreciated.
I have a DD who I adore. She's who she is, and I love her.
I have a lovely DH, who I find lacking in lots of ways, by he's really proper great in lots of ways too (but omg, the farting!).
I have some lovely friends.

My dad died. It happens to people my age and stage. It was very sad. He got cancer. He thought he could "beat it". He couldn't.

All while he was ill my DB and my mum and I supported him and each other. And when he died, we continued to support each other.
For a year.
Then my DB picked a fight with me and DM. He had a point (he said we'd been bitching, and we had, but not in a nasty way... just families who know and love each other the most commenting on each other). But he honed in on it, and made an argument where there was no argument, and made it nasty.
He went quite mental (which we assumed was a reaction to dad's death, which hit him hard). He ranted, he sent pages and pages of emails, he horded emails he'd been sent and quoted them back. He misunderstood stuff and quoted stuff out of context. He was vicious.

It made mum and I closer, and excluded him. He accused and accused and accused.

My dad's side of the family knew none of this, but mum's side knew all about it. Mum's side ADORE her - she's been a great aunt and sister forever. They find me easy and fun, but find my DB historically difficult. From the outset, mum begged them not to hold it against him or alienate him.

They haven't.

They've tried to be fair.
In all this, I tried to be dignified quiet, but I am gobby, and I have responded (angrily) to tirades, when I shouldn't have done.

The family have, therefore (taking mum's wish on board not to alienate DB) told me I'm as bad as he is, because I have responded angrily to some of the accusations.

Three years later.... DB was then diagnosed with a brain tumour. (benign and operated on successfully).

At which point the whole argument (now 3 years old) is null and void.... DB is just a victim. I am now the perpetrator of an argument I didn't start, didn't want and didn't perpetuate.
None of the extended family is speaking to me, because they're all so sorry for and feeling guilty about DB and the brain tumour.

I don't mean to sound like a cow about my DB and the horrendous thing he is going through. But I'm so upset I've been left as the 'bad guy' for something that is nothing to do with me and not my fault, and I don't know how to come out of it.
Messages of support and love to my DB have been rejected out of hand.

I'm the bad guy in an argument that's not of my making, and I feel that my family have taken against me (or just trying to be neutral and therefore, silent) and I'm being punished for something that's not my fault.

Please help me feel better!

wheresthel1ght Sat 02-Apr-16 02:05:51

Sorry but yab a bit u.

You admit to bitching which is always nasty and when he called you out on it you have had a go at him. So I am afraid you and your mum did start it. By raging back at his emails you have inflamed a situation that could probably have been dealt with and out to bed with a heartfelt apology.

I know this is what you want to hear (sorry) buy from the information you have posted it appears to be the truth

springydaffs Sat 02-Apr-16 02:13:29

Oh dear, just let it go! It's water under the bridge now this has happened, gone and forgotten. Love your brother and Let. It. Go.

You have to eat humble pie and that's that. There are worse things, promise.

Though BIG step to cut him out because of a fight about bitching. All sounds major drama to me.

DementedUnicorn Sat 02-Apr-16 03:24:15

I totally understand and sympathise thanks

BillSykesDog Sat 02-Apr-16 03:46:51

YABU. It sounds like what has gone past is at least partially your fault, he might have started the argument but it sounds like you joined in. For whatever reason your family see you as at fault in some of this and you insisting that you are blameless and that all the blame lies with your sick brother will not be helping.

If your family have gone NC with you the best thing you can do is send each person a letter apologising if you have hurt them (not getting in to the ins and outs or apportioning blame), telling them that you love and care for them and whenever they feel ready to get back in contact your door is open.

Then leave it. Pushing it will make you look worse and borderline harrassy. Yes, it's not very nice for you, but they've made their decision and you can't change that.

Take a step back and wait for them to come back to you. Time has a tendency to heal these things. But only if you leave well alone.

potoftea Sat 02-Apr-16 08:37:28

Sorry but I think you have been at fault too. If your family were kept informed of what was going on, and still blame you for part of it, then I don't get why you feel so hard done by.
They know the stuff that we as strangers on the internet don't, and so their views are more informed.
I don't know what to suggest for how you deal with it now, except maybe try to have an honest and calm talk with one member of the family and ask for their advice.

MummaV Sat 02-Apr-16 09:27:18

So from what I gather, you were bitching, he called you out on it, rather than apologise it turned into a massive argument, then he got diagnosed with a brain tumour and everyone has written off his behaviour in this as a side effect of the brain tumour and now you, who could have resolved the issue by apologising in the first instance, have been made to be the one 100% at fault and therefore cut off by family?

Whilst I sympathise with your loss of family due to this, do you not think that an apology at the beginning would have been easier?
Have you apologised yet for your actions in this?
Yabu in that you were responsible for the initial fall out and for assuming it would be dropped without an apology.

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 09:31:29

Bitching is bitching. It doesn't matter if it's family or not. What exactly were you saying?

MatildaTheCat Sat 02-Apr-16 09:43:45

The main thing is to try to build bridges with your db. He's clearly not receptive at the moment and in a way I don't blame him. When you have a life threatening illness and someone comes crawling back after a rift it may not feel that great.

Whether the illness had a bearing on his behaviour you may never know.

Presumably your DM is very upset by all of this? The extended family don't matter but she does. I suggest you ask if she has any ideas of how to return to an, at least civil relationship? And possibly take a long look at your own behaviour. You describe yourself as fun and outgoing and also mention some bitching. Did you take the piss too often? Use smart arse wisecracks for a laugh at his expense? Maybe not but sometimes it's easy to slide into this kind of behaviour especially as adult siblings and it causes huge resentment. There are plenty of similar threads on here.

Keep trying. Write a sincere apology and extend small invitations. Keep any other relations out of it. Maybe he will relent. Unless you can try to see it from his perspective there's no chance.

YourLeftElbow Sat 02-Apr-16 09:44:01

I see why you're upset. As other posters said (and as I think you made clear in your post) you did some silly things and are partly to blame.
I wouldn't shun a family member for bitching (though it would help to know exactly what you said), and I think the time is right now to apologise for the things you did do wrong, and move on.

MrsJayy Sat 02-Apr-16 10:13:12

You said you were bitching a huge arguement started and now feud that everybody is involved in and people have taken sides what a hoha your brother is Ill can you not just go to him and speak to him about whatever the bitching was and put it away for good. Yabu just on the information you have given

MrsJayy Sat 02-Apr-16 10:17:58

If you can sort things with your brother it will ripple out to the extended family

Piemernator Sat 02-Apr-16 10:19:58

You admit to bitching, he didn't pick a fight you had been ganging up on him.

One of my sisters is adored by everyone in our family but now as an adult who has taken a step back from my close knit family it is obvious she isn't really quite as lovely as everyone thinks.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Sat 02-Apr-16 10:22:27

He went quite mental

Nice terminology there, OP hmm

You were in the wrong for bitching in the first place. Was his 'mental' behaviour a symptom of his brain tumour? In which case YABvvvvU.

exLtEveDallas Sat 02-Apr-16 10:23:27

Nasty people get brain tumours too. Nasty people get cancer/have accidents/die. It doesn't automatically turn them into saints. Your extended family are forgetting that.

All you can do is weather the storm. Ignore, don't discuss, don't get drawn in. You've tried to reach your brother, he's knocked you back. You don't have to try again. Ball is in his court.

If the family give you grief - "I've said my piece, there is nothing more to say", "I don't wish to discuss this", "You do not know the full story", "Thank you for your concern, but everything is fine". Don't get drawn back in, concentrate on your actual family unit, not the extended version - it'll be better for you.

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 10:26:36

What did your bitching involve? Be honest.

MrsJayy Sat 02-Apr-16 10:27:03

I think that is sound advice just dont fuel it anymore

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 10:30:31

The norm for loved ones should be kindness, love, support and acceptance. Not bitching.

AppleSetsSail Sat 02-Apr-16 10:33:19

I think your description of the fight is too vague to get an idea of who's being unreasonable here. When you say your brother is historically difficult - in what way?

Do you miss having your brother in your life? Does he have a partner? Can you talk to her?

Nasty people get brain tumours too. Nasty people get cancer/have accidents/die. It doesn't automatically turn them into saints. Your extended family are forgetting that.

That's true.

fascicle Sat 02-Apr-16 10:37:33

OP, your mum was able to influence how her side of the family treated your brother. Has she tried to speak to them and smooth things over on your behalf?

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 10:38:31

The fact your mother took sides is very wrong

CaptainMarvelDanvers Sat 02-Apr-16 10:44:42

You and your mum bitched about your brother, your brother didn't take it to well so you and your mum ended up excluding him. He got ill and made amends with mum, now the family including your mum is excluding you.

I don't think your behaviour was very good but your mum seems like a large part of this, as someone who comes from a dysfunctional family it's hard to see when you're in the midst of the drama that some people are instigators but stand back to watch it all happen.

HazyMazy Sat 02-Apr-16 10:48:23

I think you are blind to the faults in your family.
It's hard to believe that DB, reasonably nice bloke, turns into vicious troublemaker for no reason (unless you are meaning his tumour caused it).

We had many not that healthy family dynamics which fell apart when my DM died. She had, without me realizing it, been perpetuating not ideal family opinions about each of us siblings (there was some truth in them but having bad opinions of people is not a good idea, if you feel like that don't socialize with them, find better friends).

Ganging up with your DM against your DB was wrong. Why didn't you just leave him to get on with it, let him think awful things about you if he wants.
It looks like now DF has died DM is 'changing sides' and unfortunately you are on the wrong side.

The best thing you can do if you have a less than perfect family (which is many of us) is get a life of your own which doesn't involve little tete a tetes gossiping about each other, or pointing out each others faults, or 'advising' them where they are going wrong, how they can improve.

Get a life with some proper friends.

ArgyMargy Sat 02-Apr-16 10:52:17

Your first sentence is quite revealing. If you approach life thinking that everyone else is like you/thinks like you, there will be conflict all the way.

PovertyPain Sat 02-Apr-16 10:52:55

Why did this fight even get mentioned to the rest of the family, OP? Tbh, it sounds as if airing your dirty laundry to the rest of the family was just more evidence of your bitching! That's probably why your brother is still angry with you. Don't mention the argument and falling out to ANYONE and stop bitching. I've worked with people who bitch so often it becomes part of their nature and they don't even think if it as bitching. hmm

Write your brother a letter of apology, without mentioning your other relatives and tell him that you realise you need to change your behaviour and will be there for him if he ever decides to allow you back in his life, then stay back. Leave the door open but move on and hopefully your brother, who actually sounds pretty decent, will forgive you, in time.

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