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to want to leave?

(13 Posts)
Fedupd0tcom Fri 01-Apr-16 23:18:56

Going through toughest time of my life. Lost one parent. Now having to care for the other, as they're v ill. They don't get on with DH. I also have a LO. DH and I....our marriage tearing apart at the seams. I can never confide I'm unhappy or he screams at me. Always on the defensive. Always criticising me for how I react to things. Telling me I'm weak and lazy. Never takes me out anywhere or makes any effort. Never complements if I make an effort. 4 years it's been like this. Tried counselling. Waste of time as he didn't want to continue....he thinks nothing is wrong. I can't deal with being in an unhappy situation he denies. I can't be looking after everyone and him as well. Who is there for me? No one. No one. No one. We've not been on a date in months. Let alone watched a film together at home. When we get time alone there's just a wall of silence. He never arranges anythung special for us to do. Nothing. I just feel taken for granted but maybe I'm the problem. I'm so negative and unloveable it's no wonder he treats me the way he does and I always put my parent 1st....it should be him and our LO. They're always 2nd. But I can't help it. I'm the only one who can look after my parent....and they need me....and I'm scared I'm about to lose them too as they're very ill. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.

Dustyantique Fri 01-Apr-16 23:27:57

If you are dealing with a sick parent, a child, and your husband in an unhappy marriage, then by definition, you are neither weak nor lazy.

Further, I doubt very much that you are negative and unloveable, rather you find yourself in a negative situation, and feel unloved. That is very different.

He takes you for granted, but a few things in your post suggest to me that he might be very scared of losing you. Do you think that's the case?

So sorry you have such difficult life circumstances at the moment. flowers

Fedupd0tcom Fri 01-Apr-16 23:34:01

Thank you Dustyantique. I think he is but I think it's because he wants a stable family unit and his LO to be with him and a home...if we broke up that would be at risk. Though I'd never stop him seeing LO and I'd want him to keep the home he worked hard for. But when he never praises me and rarely shows affection let alone anything vaguely romantic, I feel he must not like me very much at all....especially as every week that passes is not without some expressions of unhappiness or complaints against me from him....

madcapcat Fri 01-Apr-16 23:35:23

Agree with everything pp has said. You sound at the end of your tether at the moment. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Samaritans if no one close that you can trust to be supportive? You need someone to be there for you whilst you're having such a difficult time.

Fedupd0tcom Fri 01-Apr-16 23:36:29

I call them every week....confused

Fatmomma99 Fri 01-Apr-16 23:39:04

You sound like you need some appreciation rather than as a carer/parent/oh.

From your post, you sound amazing. I hope there is someone in your RL who can point out to you how amazing you are.x x x

Fedupd0tcom Fri 01-Apr-16 23:45:21

Thank you so much Fatmomma99. I rarely see or hear from friends and at work only a few people speak to me, so I only feel people just don't like me or I am annoying or something.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sat 02-Apr-16 00:04:13

You are not weak. You are not lazy. You are struggling under a load most people hope they don't ever have to do alone.

What would change if you and DP didn't live together anymore?

Trouble is with having someone like your 'D'P is that he takes up a position and doesn't deliver on it, and that makes it a lot harder to create / maintain other sources of support.

He is taking up the position of 'loving caring respectful adult with an emotional, practical, physical reciprocity (I mean, you both mutually benefit). But he then fails to deliver on it, actually becoming a drain on you, a negative force, sucking joy and hope and love and self esteem from around you.

You end up more isolated than is you'd not had him in your life in the first place. Its not that you can just ignore that relationship space and carry on regardless, as having someone like him means you're surrounded by someone starving you of these good and necessary things in life. And you end up piling all your emotional resources into trying to get him to show some care for you, except it sounds like he has decided to turn off the supply of kindness and love and respect.

All of which is me doing late night muttering around the basic point: he's not doing you any good love. And it's not that he's a neutral force in your life, he's a negative force. He's taking things away from you that he has no right to take ... and he's got you agreeing to live like this and it's not something anyone can be resilient to! There's no medal for standing up to the coldness and casual cruelty of a partner who denies your right to basic human needs, and calls you weak for needing them.

You are desperately unhappy. I can feel it soaking through my screen! It's hard to cope with that load on your back.

Don't wait for this partner of yours to care for your feelings and help you put things right. Take your emotions back. Own them and don't give them away to a man who can't be trusted with such a precious thing. Block him out for a bit and nurture yourself for a bit. What would you be doing to someone else with this pain and hurt? Can you do that to yourself? Look after yourself and nurture and care for yourself. Then maybe have a look at protecting yourself from some of the sources of hurt in your life. And get some positive sources flowing your way for a change - do things you like, with people you like, even if that means just you and your little one.

Sorry it's late and I'm not being v coherent!
1. You are precious and you are hurting, recognize you can't live like this,
2. take yourself back, do an emotional reckoning: what are the drains on your emotional health? then turn the emotional taps off to those draining people and things. Maybe just temporarily, you don't have to decide now, but you do need to stop pouring your heart and soul away.
3. Nurture your own self, what do YOU need? How can you tend to your inner self a bit more? Put something back, just tiny bits at a time is fine, be gentle with yourself. Protect and care for yourself.

Then you may find you are a bit more able to change the situation a bit more. But i think baby steps is ok too, if you're drained and juggling everybody and everything...

Dustyantique Sat 02-Apr-16 07:25:18

and at work only a few people speak to me, so I only feel people just don't like me or I am annoying or something

I doubt you are "annoying". You would know if you were rather than casting around for random reasons why only a few people speak to you.

Do you think it's more likely you are just a bit quiet? Often people at work don't talk to others they have little need to engage with work-wise, and on top of that, wall-flowers are likely to be missed simply because they are quiet.

Also, if you currently feel blue (hardly surprising) it comes through in quiet demeanour, body language etc, then possibly it doesn't get people rushing over to make friends. But it doesn't mean you are annoying. It's simply that you feel sad.

And the fact that you do feel so down will colour your view of the world. Your own positive interactions will be minimised in your mind, while other people may seem to be having a ball. But it is partly illusory.

If you don't have a close work colleague to talk to, what about the friends you mention that you rarely see? Are they old friends? Do they live locally? Why haven't you seen them in a while.... Just life pressures /time?

How about other family apart from your parent? Do you have any?

Hope you are feeling just a tiny bit better this morning. Things always feel at their worst in the small hours of the night. I think it's going to be a nice day today so I hope it's sunny where you are. Things are always just a tiny bit better if it's nice and you sound like you need some natural endorphins.

Fedupd0tcom Sat 02-Apr-16 07:35:13

Thank you last two posters. I still feel quite low. My friends have all moved far away due to job changes or money issues. I have no one local to me I'm close to so it can get lonely. And with those friends many of them haven't bothered to be in touch that much....one of them had a baby shower yesterday....I wasn't even told about it. Find out via FB. No one wants a dark cloud raining over their parade....

Fedupd0tcom Sat 02-Apr-16 07:38:27

Then DH....his entire family coming over for bday dinner tonight. I refused to cook as house too messy its taking ages to clean and tidy and home alone today with LO. Been so busy I got behind with housework. Kind of annoyed they're all coming, esp in all the time we've been together....nearly a decade and a half....he's organised something for my bday once but demanded I bake him a cake. Where was mine last year? Oh that's right....He doubt even buy one from Tesco. Thanks love.

Dustyantique Sat 02-Apr-16 07:52:03

Hmmm..... Not sure that spending ages cleaning will do you much good, unless you get a lift out of it being all clean. I sometimes do, but it depends, probably not if I was so blue.

Can't you go out in the sun with LO somewhere nice and just buy food in if the birthday celebrations are unavoidable? LO could pick a nice supermarket cake for his Dad.

I'm going out now, but I hope today goes as well as it can for you.

Oh... And on the friends front, people do sometimes get wrapped up in their lives, especially if they move and develop new social networks, sometimes they forget the old a little but you shouldn't take that personally.
Have a think about whether you could drop them a line to say congrats on the baby, and you would love a catch up. What's to lose?

Penfold007 Sat 02-Apr-16 08:02:05

Currently you are a parent, wife, worker, carer for an ill parent and coping with a bereavement. I'm really not surprised that your not coping.

You sound stressed and depressed, it would be a good idea to see your GP re your low mood.

Do you want to stay with your H? If you want to leave him then make a plan to go. Also realistically you are not the only person who can care for your parent and they may need to accept professional carers.

I have a tiny bit of sympathy for your H as he may feel you are prioritising your parent over him and your DC but I am in no way excusing his behaviour. He is s capable of doing chores, cooking and parenting as you are.

Be kind to yourself, I am sorry for your loss.

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