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To tell a big fat lie to my 16yr old

(34 Posts)
FuckityDuck Thu 31-Mar-16 23:14:10

to TRY and get him to sort his shit out....

Basically we are 3 months til GCSE''S. To be blunt he aint the brightest kid on the block but he is more than capable at least getting C results if AND only if he would put the effort in.

He has already failed 2 GCSE's last year with cramming for revision at the last minute.

So back to school in September and since then I have played tried everything from Encouragement, Rewards, threat's, we have shouted, I have tried cool calm and collected.

Parent's evening in January he was on target for d,e,f & g's results not one bloody passed.

In his college interview he has told them he is on target for B's - Bloody bloody Kids - Does anyone want an extra teen - He can be quite lovely at times

He is/has supposed to be going to revision sessions after school for the last 2 mths - Not been to a single one. He has had art/graphics already and done little to no prep.

He is hanging around with a gang - who either don't need to work at school - as they are going working in dad's businesses, either expelled, suspended numerous times or plans to go into Infantry - MY own personal nightmare. And between them all are causing a bloody riot in our small town

Mini recap since parents evening with his head there is NO improvement whatsoever

He is my only child and I am a widow so no back up support from anyone else.

I work full time get in at 6.30 in the evening by which time he has buggered off out after telling me has done some work - So difficult to ground him

I have today told him with immediate effect I have left work - That I need to start parenting him properly and STOP leaving him to his own devices. I have NOT REALLY left just took a last minute few day's in the hope it will shock him into realizing he HAS to get on with it

So now there are no wages coming in money will be very tight - he knows what this is like from years ago.

There has been lots of ranting and shouting from him tonight - Am I a really shit mum telling this huge lie.

Am even thinking of getting him to come to the Job Center with me on Monday to sign on as he is off for half term - So he can see 1st hand what one of them places are really like

No I feel totally shit for this huge web of lies I am now spinning

FuckityDuck Thu 31-Mar-16 23:15:24

#2 months til exams

VimFuego101 Thu 31-Mar-16 23:20:19

How are you going to explain why you are still out of the house every day at work? You've said it now though, let him stew on it for a few days.

OneMagnumisneverenough Thu 31-Mar-16 23:21:19

I think you do what you need to do but await the backlash when he finds out you lied.

If he is 16 then how does he think he is going to support himself? What are his plans? I'd be clear in that he gets supported from you if he is in school and studying and preparing to support himself, but if he doesn't want to do that then he better come up with a plan fast as to how he is going to support himself/contribute to the household.

I think the trip to the job centre is a good idea and he can see for himself what exactly is on offer for someone with no qualifications.

OrlandaFuriosa Thu 31-Mar-16 23:22:16

Well, you can tell him you are taking unpaid leave...

It's bloody difficult. Ds is not revising for a levels. Half an hour today? Not much advice but sympathy.

The job centre don't do it for him, though. But knowing he will still have to do English and maths in the 6 th form , Fe college or apprenticeship if he doesn't pull his finger out might? He won't be able to get away with it in those subjects...

Fatmomma99 Thu 31-Mar-16 23:22:27

Well, it's not a lie you are going to be able to sustain, is it.

I feel your pain, and I'm sorry, but at the end of the day, you can only meet him half way.
You can offer to work with him in the evenings, you can be on hand when you're not working; but if your child is choosing NOT to work, and understands the consequences of this, then that is his choice.

Maybe he'll crash n burn for a bit and come back to it and be willing to work harder?
OR maybe hel'll scrape it.

Good luck to him, and to you.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 31-Mar-16 23:23:08

Don't feel shit. Sounds very difficult. Bumping for someone else with more ideas than me. x

FuckityDuck Thu 31-Mar-16 23:23:21

Forgot to mention he is doing all sorts to get out of school from getting friends to phone in for him

I have bkd annual leave from work

Hairyfecker Thu 31-Mar-16 23:32:36

So what are his plans for next year, when he fails and doesn't get to stay on at school OR get into college OR get a job? He is expecting to stay at home and you will look after him?

willowcatkin111 Thu 31-Mar-16 23:33:32

I am probably going against accepted ideas but I say leave him to it. Kids have to learn how to work and the consequences of their actions. They won't take it from us sadly. I would take a couple of days off work to do things you enjoy then go back and leave him to it. He has told college he is on target for b so knows their expectations so either he will step up to the plate or not get into college. Let the school careers office explain the options to him post 16 cos he won't be able to sign on, he will need to do an apprenticeship or college. Once he is 16 you don't have to make a home for him so you could make this clear (if a realistic option) so he starts to understand life facts.
And I definitely don't agree with the lie. I think you should tell him the truth asap and explain you did it because you are so worried about his future.

cece Thu 31-Mar-16 23:33:48

Tricky. You have several problems here.

1) His friends seem to be a bad influence.

2) His lack of motivation.

3) His lack of plans/thought for his future.

4) He does not seem to want to take notice of what you are saying to him.

Firstly I agree you need to give him some time so taking time off of work to devote to him is a good idea. I think the key to this is his friendship circle. You need to tackle this - although this is easier said than done. Can you take him away for a while during the holidays so he can study? Remove him from the situation somehow?

ElderlyKoreanLady Thu 31-Mar-16 23:45:14

Also going against the grain. You really can't force a 16yo to change his whole way of being. He's chosen to learn life lessons the hard way and he'll fight you more if you continue giving him something to fight against.

Just have a word with him about the lie. Explain that you've actually just taken a few days off and let him know that you're available to talk things over in them few days if he wants. Chances are he won't come to you, but he'll know you're there once he realises how badly he's messed things up.

StillMedusa Thu 31-Mar-16 23:49:53

My DS1 was JUST the same. And in with a crowd of kids who were equally as blase about their GCSEs, not to mention bunking off, smoking weed etc etc.

I knew he was capable of a bunch of C grades...I wasn't expecting more as he was bone idle (and constantly complained that he was 'thick' compared to his sisters and I was expecting too much.

I contacted his teachers who confirmed he was capable but likely to fail. And then I downloaded every last damn past paper from his exam boards, off the internet and sat in the kitchen while he worked his way through at least one past paper in maths and english every day. Once he had done them..he was allowed out. He hated me. God he hated me. But I took enough time off to do this and on results day..when he passed his GCSEs , he said thank you!

His mates failed theirs and several of them are now back at college in their early 20s trying to get maths and english. . However ..they HAVE all matured and are generally not a bunch of arses any more!

I think 16 yrs are..generally.. not mature enough to think of long term consequences of their actions (or lack of) so I'm not sure the job centre would frighten him much.

But hang in there... worst case and he messes it all up.. he WILL have the face the consequences!

Itinerary Fri 01-Apr-16 00:06:57

I don't agree with the lie. I would suggest you tell him the truth today and apologise for the lie.

Say that you're worried about him spoiling his prospects for the future, by not working to reach his potential. And say you're willing to help him organise his time, put together a work timetable etc. Not everyone knows how to organise themselves automatically and it sounds like he's avoiding having to do this.

TattyCat Fri 01-Apr-16 00:10:43

I'm a firm believer that if he's capable then he's merely choosing not to work hard enough to get good results and he will have to face the consequences. Don't write him off just because he doesn't fit into the system - he may well find his forte sooner rather than later.

I'd still keep on his case a little, but don't beat yourself up about his not working hard enough. You can lead a horse to water and all that...

I didn't fit into school and hated every single minute of it. I didn't work hard, messed around and what that meant was I had to work much, much harder to prove myself in the following years. It took until I was into my 20s to really apply myself to something because I wanted to . My last salary was horribly huge, so it can be done! In fact, some of the most successful people were written off throughout their school days.

If you know he's capable but just choosing not to work to his ability then rest assured, he'll find his place and be ok. Just keep him on the right path in the meantime with regard to who he's hanging out with.

LikeDylanInTheMovies Fri 01-Apr-16 02:51:49

I have today told him with immediate effect I have left work - That I need to start parenting him properly and STOP leaving him to his own devices. I have NOT REALLY left just took a last minute few day's in the hope it will shock him into realizing he HAS to get on with it

No you are not a shit mum, but you are at the end of your tether and I understand why you thought shock tactics would work. But they won't. At sometime in the next few days you'll have to do a humiliating climbdown and admit you've lied and the leaving your job is a hollow threat.

Am even thinking of getting him to come to the Job Center with me on Monday to sign on as he is off for half term - So he can see 1st hand what one of them places are really like

Really, don't do this. How would that work? you aren't unemployed, you can't sign on (the initial claim is done over the phone/online anyway).

Would you just sit there pretending to wait for your name to be called and then slink off after an hour or so with no explanation as to why your name hasn't been called.

Also, why do you think a job centre would scare him? It is a government building with chairs, desks and computer terminals for searching for jobs on, not the seventh circle of hell. I've signed on a number of times (one spell when I was a bit older than your son) and never found the job centre remotely intimidating. When I first signed on aged 18, I just thought 'great, free money' I was still living with my parents, so the £38 was more money than I'd ever had before.

What he needs from you is honesty and consistency and firm boundaries. What he is getting at the moment is inconsistency and dishonesty (again, I understand why). Tomorrow you need to 'fess up and state that you've not given up work, but a new regime is in place.

As far as I can see, the problem is one of the key obstacles is that he's out the house before you are home. This has to stop. If he's not in when you get home, all extras: tablets TVs, Xboxs, phones, pocket money etc. will be witheld. This allows him plenty of dicking around with his mates time before 6:30pm. But after that point he is in and working on school nights as agreed in the revision schedule. You need to follow through and take the stuff away if he doesn't comply.As someone suggested up thread use these few days off work to plan a revision schedule and be prepared to support him with the actual revision (he may need showing how to revise).

He may not comply with this, I'd go as far as to say he probably won't, and he may decide that loosing his stuff is worth it to continue hanging around with his divvy mates, but you'll have given it your best shot and he'll start to understand there are consequences to his actions and that there is practical support there for him if he decides to want to play the game.

monkeysox Fri 01-Apr-16 07:17:53

You're a good mum.

One idea. Change your hours until June so you're in when he gets in?

Teens need their parents and you're on his side. Hope goes wellflowers

Greyponcho Fri 01-Apr-16 07:35:39

Oh good grief, taking him to the job centre to 'sign on' is probably the last thing the OP is planning on doing, surely it would be to show him the vast range of grandly paid jobs for everyone who wants them, especially those with crap GCSE grades/too lazy to apply themselves professional gamer, anyone??... which perhaps OP's DS may think there is, to show him the reality is nothing like that...

IpreferToblerone Fri 01-Apr-16 07:43:47

Flowers for medusa ( sorry don't know how to do icons) very well done to you and your son that would not have been easy. OP would this work for you?

foodiefil Fri 01-Apr-16 07:52:12

Bless you. What are his interests? Could he do an apprenticeship? I kind of think people sort themselves out but my dad used to say something to me which made me hmm and I repeat it now.

"Any arse hole can fail."

Simple, but effective.

Tell him you don't expect fantastic grades but he'd be massively let himself and his future down if he fucked it up, it's only a matter of months and will help him for the rest of his life. If he leaves after GCSEs and works and lives at home - make him pay board. By direct debit. Good luck! flowers

SatsukiKusakabe Fri 01-Apr-16 07:54:12

Does he know how to 'study' ? Maybe he's avoiding it because he doesn't feel capable/doesn't know what he's doing.

Maybe he needs you to sit down and go through it with him, similar to medusa

My school was fairly vague giving guidance for 'revision' and I was very naturally disorganised so I struggled with it even though I wanted to do well. I did well at GCSEs but much better at my A levels where we were given more structure.

CosyNook Fri 01-Apr-16 07:54:13

Can you cancel his phone/Wi-Fi/Sky/pocket money?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Fri 01-Apr-16 08:04:57

One of my parents friends had a DS who sounds just like your DS.

What they did worked. The sat and looked at job applications to see what job he could get with his poor grades/ fails. That opened his eyes that he wasn't even considered good enough to work in macdonalds. Then they looked at flat he might want to rent when he moved out. He has no idea of the cost. Then they looked at things like holidays, cars, driving lessons etc and what they cost. He was shocked. He thought he could get by on benefits. Soon realised that if he wanted the nice lifestyle he had grown up with then he was going to have to work for it. He got his finger out and passed all at C or above. Graduated from college and is now a manager in a office earning around 25k with hopes to do some more training to get into finance.

HazyMazy Fri 01-Apr-16 08:12:00

Take a step back. Say you want him to have a good job in the future but he is old enough to make up his own mind.

And leave him to it.

Obviously if he is at home all day he must do his share of the housework and find way to pay some keep.

My eldest whom I nagged the most did the least.

ApocalypseSlough Fri 01-Apr-16 08:33:26

flowers
You're not a shit mum.
Look at apprentiships and- I know it screams against every mothering instinct- the forces.

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