When I was 19 I had an abortion. I had been with my (first) boyfriend for two years, the condom broke, the morning after pill didn't work. We were both students, terrified and my boyfriend made it clear he didn't want a baby. Abortion was the logical option. My boyfriend was an arse about the whole thing and unceremoniously dumped me two weeks later (the day after I was almost killed in a car accident...but that's not relevant other than to say it was a tough time which I dealt with largely alone as only my best friend knew about the abortion).
It's not something I have looked back on particularly happily but I have kept telling myself over the years that my life as it is now and the success I am now enjoying both in my career and my relationship with my now DH could not have happened if I had gone ahead and had the baby. I would have been a single mother tied to an immature and unsupportive father and life would have been much much harder. Even my GP at the time told me I had made the right decision.
Fast forward 17 years and I am deliriously happy with DH and we have a one year old DS who we are both absolutely besotted with. However, I have found that first my pregnancy and now the first year of my DS's life have been very triggering in that they have really made me feel like shit about what happened all those years ago. This has come as a bit of a shock as I thought I had made my peace with the past. Every day I have been confronted with all things baby-related and I can't help but think about the baby that never was. I have been blown away by what an incredible little boy my DS is, and I find it gut wrenching that I didn't give my other "baby" the same treatment. I'm so torn between logic, which says I did the right thing at the time which has let me be in the position I am today, and emotion/guilt/negativity.
I know I am definitely not the only woman who has had an abortion as a teen/young adult and then gone on to have babies at a later stage. AIBU to feel like I feel? Is this normal or is there something not quite right?
AIBU?
to struggle with a past abortion now that I have a baby?
ZigAZigAhh · 31/03/2016 22:53
It's understandable that you've been thinking a lot. But at the time it was the right decision for you, just remember that. Be kind to yourself.
You sound like you need these at the moment. You're absolutely not being unreasonable, you may have made your peace but that doesn't mean you didn't experience it and don't have those emotions and memories buried away somewhere deep.
I too was in a very similar position at 18/19, I was on the pill and fell pregnant regardless to my then boyfriend who made me choose between him or the baby, and I chose him. Whilst I agree that having a child with him would have been a ridiculous decision due to the way the rest of the relationship played out (cheating on his behalf, violence, control issues etc.)
I recently had the pleasure of having Facebook's lovely memories feature reminding me of how happy I was when I found out I was expecting - there were some snippets of conversations between my cousin and friend. I ended up completely blind-sided by guilt because although I too have made my peace with it, all of a sudden I had actual physical evidence of the existence of what was evidentially a very much wanted child at the time and how pleased I was, despite being young.
In reality, if I had kept the baby I would have been forever tied to someone who made my life a living hell, I would have probably stayed with him despite the abuse and not plucked up the courage to strap on my lady balls and leave his pathetic arse. I certainly wouldn't be married to the most amazing man who loves me and supports my every decision.
No can't agree what ever decision there was a reason to feel shitty 
I've had dc and and abortions zig I understand it's normal to feel what might or could have been.
Do you feel regret and and wished you'd continued with that pregnancy?
I've never had an abortion but wanted to say that I really feel for you. This must be so hard. Might it help to remember that the person you were then is not the person you are now? You're older, wiser, your life has moved on. You were a child then, albeit it a grown up one. You did what you thought best, you had no real choice really, and you certainly didn't know then what you know now about having children. Try to forgive your younger self, and grieve for what circumstance didn't allow you to have.
YANBU
I was in a similar situation, but had a miscarriage. My life would have been so different if I had that baby. The least of which would be a tie to the waste of space boyfriend who was its father.
But I still carry the thought of her with me (in my mind it was a girl even though I have no logical way of knowing). Not every day, but it's there. It doesn't go away even though is was over 20 years ago now.
Have you thought about counselling to help you get through these feelings, especially the guilt?
Op I also had an abortion as a teenager and I feel the same way since I had ds. It's a weird feeling, one half of me looks at ds and feels so much guilt about what I did and the other half looks at ds and how hard having a child is and makes me glad I made that decision because it scares me to think what my life would have been like. I had no money, had a place at uni, and a dickhead, cokehead boyfriend who would have made my life hell.
Now ds is getting older, I think about what could have been a lot. I feel a lot of guilt but I know 100% I made the right decision. I don't regret doing it for a second and can honestly say I never have done. But it doesn't stop the guilt. I havent got any advice but wanted you to know it's completely normal and you're not alone. Look after yourself
It's understandable that you've been thinking a lot. But at the time it was the right decision for you, just remember that. Be kind to yourself.
For me his sums it up pretty well!
I had a similar-ish experience in my early twenties. Been with boyfriend (now DH!) for less than a year. Took the MAP, didn't work. Booked for an abortion (not really what I wanted but I was so lost), but started bleeding heavily before I got there, confirmed at the clinic that I was miscarrying.
I am now 29 weeks pregnant - for the first time since that experience - it has definitely been on my mind a lot. Despite not actually having the abortion, I have lots of guilt for making the decision to do so.
So, IMO YANBU to feel the way you do. YABU to beat yourself up about it though, so please don't do that. Whether it is normal or not is hard to say. Is your everyday life being impacted negatively by these feelings? If so it may be worth talking them through with a professional, so you can get past the negative feelings.
Thank you so much, lovely MNers, for your responses 
Testing you're definitely right that it's unlikely I would have DS (or even DH) if the pregnancy had continued. It happened in Country A, I then moved to Country B where I met DH and we then moved to Country C where we had DS - it would have logistically been much much trickier if I already had a child in tow (and ex may not have consented to the moves in any event). That is one source of comfort.
NotQuite, Terror, Joanne, Klap, thank you so much for sharing your stories and extra for you.
Aurynne your post makes me cry every time I read it (in a good way) - what a lovely thing to do. I might think about something small and meaningful I could do as a memorial.
I have thought about counselling on and off but due to some bad experiences with counsellors in the past (I had an eating disorder in my early teens and the psychologists I saw were fairly useless - one even fell asleep during an appointment) I haven't been that motivated to do anything about it. But I think I will look into it more now.
My DH knows all about it and has been wonderful, but it's the one thing in my life I find it a bit hard to open up to him about. It just feels very very personal and as though it's something I need to deal with alone.
Actually writing it all down (which I realised last night I had never done) and hearing from people who have been through a similar experience (along with those who haven't but expressed kindness and sympathy) has been a huge comfort.
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