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To have told my friend..

(20 Posts)
mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 08:34:10

That Dh had hit me?
Long time poster but name changed for obvious reasons.
My friend is having a really hard time with her Dh at the minute and I tried to comfort her and we were chatting about our relationship troubles. We got quite deep into conversation and I confided in her that the reason Dh and I were still having troubles was because Dh had hit me on a couple of occasions when he had lost his temper and I was finding it hard to move on despite it not happening for years.
Dh and I are in a much better place and he has changed a lot since then. AIBU to feel guilty for bad mouthing him when he's tried to change? I don't even know why I told her I just felt it had built up on me after having kept it to myself for years. sad

PPie10 Thu 31-Mar-16 08:37:52

Why are you protecting him. He abused you and you shouldn't hide that or feel like you have 'bad mouthed' him.

mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 08:42:42

It was a long time ago, I don't know really. I haven't even got an answer to that PPie.

8angle Thu 31-Mar-16 08:49:27

That you stayed with him after he hit you is more than i would have done. If he has really changed and you are now happy, relaxed and confident in the relationship then i can see why you would feel bad about telling her. If everything is good in the relationship then you should be a team together.

If however he has "tried to change" but the reality is that you are still scared and nervous to be in this relationship, then maybe you told her because you are looking for some help. It is incredibly hard if everyone thinks you are married to the greatest guy since sliced bread (if that makes sense!) but in reality he is an abusive bastard and you really just want to scream at people the reality of the situation.

mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 08:56:19

I think it's a mixed bit of both 8angle. Dh is completely different but I never thought it would happen the times that it did so I'm not 100 % sure it would never happen again although I think it's unlikely. Once that trust is broken I think it's hard to really trust him completely.
I think that's why I'm still struggling to move forward with the relationship, not the real fear of anything like that happening again but the fear that it could.

8angle Thu 31-Mar-16 09:10:15

I think you have to ask yourself is it getting better as time goes by or is your fear as real now as it was a year or 2 ago?

Living in fear is no way to live and sometimes things are broken beyond repair however much two people want to fix them.

Maybe suggest some time a part, some space. The you will know how you feel when you are in your own space - maybe you will feel free and happy and "able to breathe" for the first time in a long time. Or maybe you will really miss your H and your relationship and realize that that is what you really want?

Have you had counselling to talk through all of this? Sometimes it is easier for the other person because they are being proactive in changing things, whereas you are just supposed to let them change, without ever being able to fully express your feelings and what you want.

Hoppinggreen Thu 31-Mar-16 09:15:12

Leaving aside that your H is physically abuse and you should deal with that you hVe put your friend in a difficult position.
A very good friend of mine confided in me that her H had hit her on more than one occasion. To be honest the circumstances were complicated ( although nothing justifies DV I know) and once it was sorted it never happened again, although they did split for good a few years later.
Anyway, I was pretty horrified when she told me and some of the details were awful, I was heavily pregnant at the time and quite unwell and I found it very hard to deal with but tried to be as supportive as I could.
Later when they decided to put it behind them and try again I found myself slightly sickened at the sight of them playing happy families. We have socialised with them previously and my friend couldn't understand why I struggled to spend time in her H's company, I actually really liked him but couldn't get over what he had done. It was never to be spoken of again and we were supposed to pretend it never happened. I really tried but the whole time I was in his company I was thinking "you bastard".
I didn't judge her for staying with him, that was her choice but I could never see him the same way and we ended up becoming distant.
If you need support and help from your friend and she is able to give it then that's great but don't expect her to view your H in the same way she used to

angielou123 Thu 31-Mar-16 09:17:48

'Ive been with my partner for 9 years. The first 5 of them I was an abused woman, controlled, constantly put down, accused of cheating, pushed, shoved, hit, bit, and made into a shell of my former self. I packed up my house while he was out one day and moved towns. The shock of what i'd done put him straight and he realised what he'd been doing. We now live separate and things have improved 80%. Recently, it started to creep back to the old verbal and threatening behaviour so I reminded him that next time I go, he won't find me. (It took him 11 days to find me last time, how he did i don't know). Everything's been fine since then. But there's always the fear of you know what can happen and it does overshadow the happy times. Tbh, if I thought he'd leave me alone, i'd finish with him tomorrow, but I don't think he ever will.

mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 09:18:51

Thanks 8angle that all makes a lot of sense. I do feel like things are much better now that they were 2 years ago. We have much better communication and Dh is much more light hearted in general. Worries of debt and work etc were really the start of all the problems and now that we're in a much better place financially and emptionally I do feel safe.
I just worry if maybe things could ever go back to how they used to be if our lives or finances were compromised. Dh is fine in the happy bubble we live in now but I wonder what would happen if it burst.
I suppose I will either have to trust that he has changed or not and leave. It's always in the back of my mind no matter how far back.
Counselling would be ideal but Dh isn't great at opening up around strangers but he might suprise me.

Buzzardbird Thu 31-Mar-16 09:19:23

I don't see how yabu. You told the truth.

BrandNewAndImproved Thu 31-Mar-16 09:21:50

My lovely auntie took a few punches off of her husband to, he also hasn't hit her for years and years... Those few times once they were first married was enough to keep her under control. She's never been happy, only been put first when it suited him or for appearance and she's had a miserable life.

mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 09:26:04

Angie that sounds hard. Dh isn't controlling g and if I told him I was leaving he would respect that, I don't feel that I am in an abusive relationship. Dh isn't controlling or manipulative or anything he has just lost his temper on a couple of occasions which is a huge problem. I hope you manage to make things work or get out if that is what ypu truly want because everyone deserves happiness and safety.

I'm sorry you felt so burdened by your friend confiding in you hopping but I don't think the fear of burdening your friend with mixed emotions should ever stop a woman from confiding in someone about domestic violence. I can of course completely understand you not wanting to be around him again, it's a really hard situation for anyone involved.

PPie10 Thu 31-Mar-16 09:26:19

Tbh, if I thought he'd leave me alone, i'd finish with him tomorrow, but I don't think he ever will.

Angie that's really sad. You don't need to live that way. Have you ever reported him?

8angle Thu 31-Mar-16 09:29:34

you could always do counselling on your own - just so you can talk through your fears with someone without worrying about "bad mouthing him" to someone you know.
In a way this might be more healthy because it has bee all about him so far.

And i agree it's easy to be sweetness and light when everything is fine and rosy, the real test is in tougher times of stress - this is when a real team pull together, not lash out.

mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 09:37:24

Thanks 8angle, do you think I should tell Dh that I spoke to my friend?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 31-Mar-16 09:39:46

angielou he is never going to stop being abusive, you know that right?

8angle Thu 31-Mar-16 09:54:14

It's difficult, I think that a good relationship is based on communication and trust so I probably would
His reaction to the conversation will be quite telling.

You need to think about what you want out of this whole situation - what looks like a "good result" for you?

mighthavesaidtoomuch Thu 31-Mar-16 10:13:14

I just want to be able to trust Dh, but I think if I told him he may feel a bit betrayed. He is very embarrassed about what he did and I probably shouldn't have said anything in the first place but at the time I felt like I needed to.
I just want us to be in a place where I feel like nothing will take us back to that place but something us stopping me from doing so.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 31-Mar-16 10:41:47

I just want us to be in a place where I feel like nothing will take us back
That will never happen.
He physically abused you.
There is NO coming back from that - EVER.
It will always be at the back of your mind that it could (probably will) happen again.
I am assuming you have DC together.
Otherwise I can't think of a reason you would stay with someone who hit you.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship, is NONE!

8angle Thu 31-Mar-16 10:48:54

i am afraid that although what Hells says sounds pretty harsh, it is the reality of the situation. I doubt you will ever fully trust him again, and the thing stopping you from doing that is experience and self preservation.

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