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OH choosing night with friends over me during our week off 'together'

(102 Posts)
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 30-Mar-16 21:06:20

Ok, subject line is not long enough so here are the details.

Been together nearly 2 yrs, fully committed, wanting to live together etc. We don't live together yet but planned to spend this whole week together.

We each booked 5 days off work. His DCs and my DCs all with other parents. All good so far.

He's self employed so in control of his time off. I'm employed so booked annual leave. My DCs only see their dad on holidays so child-free time is very rare and precious to me. They left here on Monday afternoon.

He was sick last week so needed to work one day this week (today). Fine. Possibly might need to work tomorrow too, but wouldn't have known if needed until today, so not possible to make any plans for Thursday. Bit annoying but ok I guess. Work is important. Kids back at the weekend so that only left Tuesday and Friday just for us.

He also reminded me yesterday (when mentioning the possibility of working Thursday) that he was going out for friends birthday on Thursday night (boys only). Fine. I said I will stay over and we can spend Friday together. Especially if he was having to work Wednesday and Thursday.

Ah but no. Cos he wants to invite all his mates back to his house to partake in intoxicating substances that I wholly disapprove of and he knows this, so I will definitely not want to stay over and would not be welcome anyway. They will all still probably be kicking around his house til lunchtime on Friday.

I said I don't want to be there while that's going on. He said fine, come up Friday and we'll have a lazy day together.

I said no, I don't want to drive up there (30 min drive) and spend the day watching you recover from that, drifting in and out of sleep in a darkened room! Walking around your house wondering if that white smear on the bathroom mirror is toothpaste of something else. I'm fiercely anti drugs and always have been. He told me at first it was once in a blue moon, which I accepted, just about. As long as it happens well away from me. I hate it, makes me feel weird. But nobody's perfect so ok do it once in a while if you must. But keep it away from me and mine.

So when it came to doing it this week, our week, I was really upset. My annual leave is precious! So I said maybe on this occasion you could just go out for drinks but not invite everyone back to yours, since we arranged a week together, and then I can stay over and we can have quality time on Friday together.

But apparently that's me controlling him and not accepting who he is. That's me asking him to choose, giving him an ultimatum, etc etc. That's me being demanding.

So we have split up over it.

We had other difficulties with blending families, but we were working on them all and getting somewhere slowly but surely. I bought us each a copy of stepmonster ffs. I've read mine. He hasn't touched his.

But this week's escaped is a deal breaker for me.

He thinks IABU - am I? Or is he? Honest opinions please.

Leeds2 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:09:30

I think you are well rid.

HoggleHoggle Wed 30-Mar-16 21:10:37

Yanbu. Well done for knowing when enough is enough.

positivity123 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:12:10

Good on you. It won't get better. Stay strong.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 30-Mar-16 21:12:11

Run, run away as fast as you can...

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 30-Mar-16 21:12:30

The holiday time isn't the issue.

The issue is that you are completely anti-drugs and he takes drugs, presumably regularly enough that it is an established "thing" that his friends come back to his to do it after going drinking. And not only does he do drugs, but he considers that more important than you.

There's no future in this because of that. Even if he'd kept his whole week for you and read the book, you'd spend your whole life being kicked out every few weeks so he could do drugs with his friends and then spent the next day recovering. Presumably he doesn't do this around his kids, so your child free time will always be dominated by this.

Such a fundamental difference is a bridge too far. Still, you're pretty lucky that he's selfish enough to have shown how little he thinks of you now, rather than hooking you in and then going back to drugs.

Leave it be. It'll hurt for a while but you'll be happier overall.

PegsPigs Wed 30-Mar-16 21:15:00

Deal breaker for me too. Well done you. I really hope you can stick to it.

Wasting your only annual leave day you could be spending with him in a whole week specially booked off together doing something so selfish is poor behaviour from him. Every other day is taken up with his priorities and you're bottom of the pile. You are well rid.

MrsH1989 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:15:41

The fact that he does drugs would be a deal breaker for me on it's own. He has essentially chosen them over you. YANBU

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Wed 30-Mar-16 21:16:22

Fuck me is he 17? I couldn't be with such an immature dick I'm afraid and he's a father? Brilliant stuff

0phelia Wed 30-Mar-16 21:17:56

He sounds like a twat.

VegasIsBest Wed 30-Mar-16 21:19:02

You clearly have completely different priorities in life. And as others have said the drugs must be a deal breaker. How would you feel if you end up living together and while your kids are around your wondering what the white streak in the bathroom is?

Much better to find out now how he really is, before you've made major financial and emotional commitments by moving in together.

CaptainHammer Wed 30-Mar-16 21:20:21

Yup, you're well rid of him.

Spandexpants007 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:20:46

It's just bad luck he's had to work.

It's fine for him to spend one night with friends. A healthy relationship involves partners having friends they see.

It's not ok to use the drugs.

It sounds like you both needed to communicate and plan the week in more detail. You both had different plans but it wasn't clear till last minute

MummyIsMyFavouriteName Wed 30-Mar-16 21:22:03

I think your issue here is the drugs rather than the evening with his friends. I know that would be my problem. My Dfiancé would never do drugs and I could never be with someone who did. We have the same opinion on them so we match. Someone who takes drugs isn't well suited to someone who despises them. All guys need their time to be with their friends but if you disapprove of what they do together, that is always going to be a problem. Whether you were being unreasonable or not is besides the point. You made the right decision for you both and your families.

SianiMoomin Wed 30-Mar-16 21:23:32

YANBU!! The drugs alone would be a deal breaker for me.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 30-Mar-16 21:24:35

The issue absolutely is the drugs. I have no problem at all with spending time with fried a. Be watched my kids for me the other weekend while I got hammered with my girlfriends and rolled on at 2am.

I have no problem with that at all. That would be hypocritical of me.

It's the closing drugs over me that I have a problem with.

Why, on this occasion, he couldn't have just said 'not back to mine tonight lads, I'm spending the week with bleach' is beyond me.

Makes me feel so worthless sad

Shakey15000 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:25:50

Well, I was all set to YABU, one night with his mates in 5, birthday= perfectly acceptable.

But after reading your post, I agree, you're well rid.

Fwaffy Wed 30-Mar-16 21:28:12

YASoooooNBU. Even without the drugs (total deal-breaker), you arrange a week off together and he's now pissing off doing his own thing. Not cool.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 30-Mar-16 21:30:37

You should count your lucky stars. What would have happened if you lived together, would he be inviting his druggie mates over? Would you have to leave for the night?

He sounds like a dickhead and not a good role model for kids.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 30-Mar-16 21:34:59

Is there any part of me that's wrong? He thinks there is. I need to know honestly.

Should I have agreed to go mop his brow on Friday, same as he has done when I have a hangover? I do drink too much, but I'm working on that. I have admitted that to him and am working on it. I function fine, it's never stopped me working or doing stuff with or for my kids. I've never put it before him. He's asked me not to drink on occasion and I've abstained. For him and for us.

Am I missing something? Should I just accept that this part of the man I loved?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 30-Mar-16 21:36:19

I've never banished him from my house though. Never done anything I would not do in front of him. Never had all my friends back for a sleep over when we had arranged to spend time together. Never asked anything of him that I wouldn't do myself.

WeAllHaveWings Wed 30-Mar-16 21:36:28

I would dump him for the drug abuse alone. That's something you are supposed to stop when you become a grown up. He is a dad ffs and still a drug user and if he hasnt stopped by now will continue to be, not the kind of guy I'd want near my dc.

perfumedlife Wed 30-Mar-16 21:38:12

YABU to have even considered moving your kids in with white powder guy.

Inertia Wed 30-Mar-16 21:46:44

He's showing you loud and clear what the future holds. You're well rid.

magoria Wed 30-Mar-16 21:46:56

How can you live together? You are very anti drugs and he likes to snort it up his nose given the chance.

If you live together that isn't going to stay away. First he will bring them into the house then he and his mates will be doing it in your house. In the house where your DC live.

Right now he loves his mates and doing the drugs more than being with you.I can't see that getting any better over time. Only Tuesday and Friday for you out of a wasted weeks precious leave and he would prefer to spend that day sleeping off drugs and drink to doing something with you.

Don't waste more time. Move on now.

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