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To ask how you would deal with this situation (DD friendship related)?

(52 Posts)
LovelyLadyLoxley Wed 30-Mar-16 20:08:26

This will be long so I apologise in advance....

DD is 11 and in year 6. She has had a bit of a rough ride during the past few years at school and struggled with friendships. She is often treated like a bit of a scapegoat and seems to get a lot of children being horrible to her, as she is a gentle soul and quite shy and quiet.

In year 3 she was friends with Friend A, who basically bullied her throughout the school year, and made others not talk to her. Friend A regularly hit/kicked/pulled DD's hair and was unpleasant to her. Towards the end of the year A refused to speak to DD anymore and ditched her as a friend.

Year 4 was ok but then in year 5 she became friends with Friend B, who again treated her pretty shabbily and much the same way as friend A had done, and it just went on all year with DD being upset and not wanting to go to school because B was basically bullying her.

Now she is year 6 and is friends with Friend C, plus a group of other girls. Friend C lives next door to Friend A, and the mums are friends too. All has been fine until recently when Friend C started ignoring DD and excluding her from things, and making the other girls in DD's friendship group ignore her too. On the last day of term, Friend C brought in her party invitations and invited every single one of the other girls from their group but excluded DD and was really nasty to her all day and laughing at her as she wasn't invited.

One of the other girls sent DD a text yesterday morning saying that Friend C had started up a group online chat called 'Friend C's Party' and added everyone attending the party. This friend also sent DD several screenshots (which I know in itself was a shitty thing to do too), of Friend C bitching about DD and saying the reason that DD isn't invited to her party is because C's mum hates DD as she 'doesn't get on with anyone', and then quoted the examples of Friend A, Friend B and the friendship problem this year, and lots of other stuff saying that her mum thinks as a family we are common, and weird, and all kinds of other insults.

DD was really upset and actually I am pretty upset too. I've always chatted to C's mum as the girls have known each other since nursery and thought I got on ok with her. It might be that C is inventing it all but it just seems a bit much for a child to have invented, I don't know.

What would you do now? DH says I should send a text to C's mum and forward on the screenshots so she can find out how nasty her DD is being (Her DD is the type who everyone thinks is sweet and cute and never unkind), and also to let her know that I am aware of what she has said, if she said it, and then blank her forever more. I have to admit I am tempted to blank her for excluding DD from the party alone as I would never let my DCs just exclude one child from their group.

What would you do?

Gatehouse77 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:19:41

I would be inclined to start with informing the school as that seems to be the primary place for these girls to be hurtful. They sound like a bunch of witches. I do feel for you as my youngest had similar from Y4 to Y6.

That said, it has put her in better position to be picky about friends at secondary school and, finally, she has 2 lovely friends and a can dip in and out of groups as she chooses. If it makes sense, whilst she's less trusting she's more loyal when a true friendship has been established.

Anyway, see how school react and spend time with your DD explaining that people who behave like this aren't friends because friends down behave like that. If possible, focus on activities and friends outside of school. Boost her self esteem because that will have taken a knocking.

WonderingAspie Wed 30-Mar-16 20:22:57

The school seem to have been useless. Where are they in all these years of bullying?

LovelyLadyLoxley Wed 30-Mar-16 20:24:37

The school have been awful and have basically washed their hands of anything to do with DD's problems sad

WipsGlitter Wed 30-Mar-16 20:29:49

I would send the screenshots to the other mum and say you'll be speaking to the school when term starts.

Gatehouse77 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:31:13

In which case I'd invite Friend C's mum round for 'coffee' and show her the texts. Let her do the explaining and talking. Silence can be a powerful tool as it can make the other person feel like they have to fill it. Let her.

Be calm, be respectful but explain that this cannot carry on. Discuss with your DD and DH what outcome they'd like. Would an apology be enough? Written?

When they do go back to,school, I'd talk to the class teacher and tell her what went down so she can keep an eye out for any repercussions.

EverySongbirdSays Wed 30-Mar-16 20:35:28

I would absolutely forward the screenshots on to C's mother. No need to be aggressive with it, just something light along the lines of : "Sorry to trouble you, but I thought I should make you aware of what C is saying" she will probably mortified. FWIW I once excluded a single girl from a party, but it was as a response to her having done the same, and for very nasty reasons that she was quite open about on the yard, much the same as this. "My Mum said that" etc she wasn't too pleased to see what it felt like to be on the receiving end but it was richly deserved

SpringHasNearlySprung Wed 30-Mar-16 20:36:41

The group online chat is nothing to do with the school nor are the things this girl is saying in that chat. I'd send the screenshots to her mother as she is most likely completely unaware of this group chat. I had a similar issue when my DD was at school and the mother was absolutely mortified when she saw the screen dumps of what her daughter had been saying. I left her mother in absolutely no doubt how appalling the comments her DD had made were. It was only one occasion with one girl that this happened to my DD.

If all the bullying is taking place in school then speak to the school again. I'm wondering if your daughter struggles with friendships?

whois Wed 30-Mar-16 20:41:09

The group online chat is nothing to do with the school nor are the things this girl is saying in that chat.

wrong and ill informed. Cyber bullying has everything to do with the school.

SpringHasNearlySprung Wed 30-Mar-16 20:46:55

wrong and ill informed. Cyber bullying has everything to do with the school.

If it takes place out with school there is VERY little the school can do. This situation is about a party with one girl starting an online chat with a group of others. Do you expect the school to get involved in girlie bitching in a park, etc? As I said to the OP (if you care to actually read my post) I actually advised to contact the school again if it continues in school. I'll give you an example, just to be clear, if this online chat started in the Easter break its NOTHING to do with the school as its in the EASTER BREAK in some places. FFS!

SpringHasNearlySprung Wed 30-Mar-16 20:51:57

Cyber bullying has everything to do with the school.

Furthermore, if parents CHOOSE to allow their children to be online without parental guidance how is that the fault of the school? If parents CHOOSE to allow their children to use whatsapp HOW can a school be held responsible of what happens in that chat group? As I said there is very little that a school can do if these chats are occurring out of school. Some people expect schools to deal with parenting choices that are far outwithntheir control. All schools can do is educate in cyber bullying. They can't stop children going online OUTWITH school hours. That is the parents responsibility!

Bluebolt Wed 30-Mar-16 20:52:42

This could all still stem from friend A and B, friends C mum might have no idea and she may not know that your DD is not invited. One child in DS1 class at primary invited whole class bar one and many where horrified by the mother action but it was the child who hid the invite the mother was mortified. I would speak to the school.

Elle80 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:53:39

Send the screen shots to the mother and when school starts again make an appointment to see the Head and show them to her/him. Don't take it lying down from the school; go to the Chair of the governing body if you have to.

I'm so sorry that your DD has to suffer this appalling behaviour sad

Bluebolt Wed 30-Mar-16 20:55:02

All of my dcs schools have/had strict cyber bullying policies.

titchy Wed 30-Mar-16 20:55:45

That's bollocks Spring. Anything that happens outside school THAT AFFECTS A CHILD IN SCHOOL should be something the school should be aware of so they can act accordingly. No one is saying the school is responsible, but schools and parents should work together where bullying is concerned.

Brightnorthernlights Wed 30-Mar-16 21:01:01

I totally disagree. These girls are 10 and 11 years old. They are only together because of school. As Whois said, cyber bullying is everything to do with school. I actually wouldn't go to the mum. I would gather the information you have, screenshots, texts & chat details and present it to the headmistress. I also would not be too accepting of a school washing its hands of my daughters problems and I really don't mean that to sound judgmental, your post has actually made me quite annoyed. Far too many parents seem to give primary aged children unchecked access to phone & social media technology, without a thought of the havoc it can cause.

SpringHasNearlySprung Wed 30-Mar-16 21:01:24

titchy. As I said in a previous post if the bullying continues into school the OP should contact the school again. Which part of my posts do you find "bollocks"?

Gatehouse77 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:02:00

Because this is a group made up of girls from one school, it is a school issue.

whois Wed 30-Mar-16 21:03:55

Which part of my posts do you find "bollocks"?

The bit where you say 'it's nothing to do with the school'

The OPs DD has been bullied for 2 years by these girls. This is an extension of the in-school bullying and needs to be dealt with.

wheelofapps Wed 30-Mar-16 21:15:10

Anything that affects your child any decent school would want to know about.

A poor school (and we have come across a number of these in Scotland) will shrug and say: 'nothing we can do'.

Mishaps Wed 30-Mar-16 21:21:27

It is a matter of concern that her primary school did not get on top of the bullying; and that the secondary school has not either. There should be bullying awareness as part of the school curriculum so that children can recognise when they are being bullied and know where to turn. This certainly happens in the school where I am a governor.

One of my DDs was subject to bullying - girls can be very cruel.

FellOutOfBedTwice Wed 30-Mar-16 21:21:35

I would tell the school but I would also speak to the mum and show her the screen shots. Let her squirm out of that. If it's any consolation I had a shitty time at primary school 25 odd years ago with similar seeming girls... Secondary school was very different and I had and have continued to fit in much better and have good friends since leaving primary school. I think the numbers and dynamics of some primary cohorts just mean you get some cliquey, fucking mean kids.

SpringHasNearlySprung Wed 30-Mar-16 21:21:36

This is an extension of the in-school bullying and needs to be dealt with

This is not necessarily bullying. Friendship groups change very quickly especially at the age of the OP's child. This is a group chat either on FB or whatsapp. The girl who is having the party is discussing past friendships and what her mother supposedly thinks. As I will say AGAIN the op should send the screen dumps to the mother of the girl in question who is most likely blissfully unaware of the things said on the group chat and if the bullying is continuing in school then contact them again.

As I asked earlier, but as yet have had no reply, does the OP's DD struggle with friendships?

CPtart Wed 30-Mar-16 21:33:11

Our Y6 girls have been involved in ongoing bullying/excluding issues which have spelled over onto Instagram. The HT sent all parents a strongly worded letter and they've had the police in to talk to the whole year about cyber bullying.

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 30-Mar-16 21:36:47

I would go completely wild on your dd's behalf!

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