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who's the idiot here?

(16 Posts)
LazySusan11 Wed 30-Mar-16 19:34:31

I have a friend I've known for years, I'll call her Alice, Alice was in a very long relationship with an alcoholic and after many years of trying to save him, defend him and make things right she finally chose to leave him. Obviously as a friend you support them you listen to them talk no matter how many times you've heard the story you're there and eventually you hope they'll come out the other side and find happiness.

Fast forward 4 years, she met a man fell madly in love declared he was deep and spiritual and they were very connected, it was the real thing. However after 2 years they're not in a relationship he rarely calls her unless he wants to have sex then declares his love for her.

He doesn't return her calls he ignores her texts and while I am biting my tongue to say he's a tool move on, its not my place, but I have had a gutful of listening to my friend defend this man, when he told her he didn't believe in contraception it ruins a woman's body so she came off hers and they went for the rhythm method. (She has no dcs and doesn't want them) Told her he was so depressed that she must accept he might go weeks without speaking to her.

She just won't let him go, she calls and texts him and then calls me upset that he hasn't replied, this goes on for weeks at a time. Today he's told her he doesn't want a relationship that he doesn't want to speak to her again. She tells me 'it's his depression, I'll give until the weekend then call him'

While he may be suffering with depression which is awful she constantly allows a man to define her worth. So am I UR in just taking a backseat for a while and not being so available for her?

DoreenLethal Wed 30-Mar-16 19:36:03

Why can't you say that he is a tool, move on?

acasualobserver Wed 30-Mar-16 19:37:10

What's in this friendship for you?

imeatingthechocolate Wed 30-Mar-16 19:42:27

she's going to get pregnant next you do realise that

Jojoriley Wed 30-Mar-16 19:46:16

I understand why you don't just tell her he's a tool. Sounds like she's an 'enabler' someone who gets involved with addicts/troubled men and feeds off their sickness. You sense how sick she is I think that's why you aren't treating her as a fellow adult to whom you would naturally tell the truth. Fact is there is simply no point anyway as she is deeply devoted to her denial and nothing you say will change that. Solution: accept that this aspect of your friend is sick/troubled but that there is nothing you can do about it. OR get her a book on co-dependence OR when she brings him up just switch off and then change the subject OR say something like. "Why don't find a man who is available to you instead of one you have to chase or are you addicted to the chase?" Accept that nothing will really have any effect until she gets tired of this game.

Chocolatteaddict1 Wed 30-Mar-16 19:50:19

If that was my mate I'd tell her to move on.

LazySusan11 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:19:15

I did tell her today that he wasn't worth the unhappiness that she couldn't 'save' him and that life was too short to be this unhappy. She took exception and hasn't replied which is normal for her when you don't say what she wants to hear. What I'd like to say is, there's far more to life than chasing a disrespectful arse that she's missing out waiting for someone like him to make her happy.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 30-Mar-16 20:41:48

I can see how you are a friend to her, but in what way is she a friend to you?

LazySusan11 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:47:05

I'm starting to wonder that myself, she texts me every day sometimes 3 or 4 times in a row with no reply from me. I'm starting to feel her neediness and drama is too much, I just want a quiet life!

Jojoriley Wed 30-Mar-16 20:49:08

Sounds like you broke the unspoken rule of friendship with her which is to nod along with the madness. If by telling her the truth she has taken off in a sulk you no longer have a problem! I had a friend like this. As soon as I told her the truth she cut me off and it's been a great relief- now more room for real friends who can give as well as demand and who you don't have to tread on eggshells lest you offend. Life is too short for that too..

LazyDaysAndTuesdays Wed 30-Mar-16 20:49:36

Just tell her. All too much drama.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 30-Mar-16 21:25:11

Well I would tell her the truth, and hope for a very long (until the day I die) and uncommunicative sulk.

LazySusan11 Fri 15-Apr-16 13:38:32

I haven't spoken to this friend since I first started this thread, over the last week she's messaged me 3 times, I think from her tone she's aware she flounced and I'm not someone who enjoys or covets drama and so I haven't replied.

I feel that I should probably reply to the latest but I have no idea what to say. I'm not tactful and at times am a little to honest. I do want to tell her that I don't have time to join her in her hamster wheel but I know that would be rude! Any ideas please of how to be tactful and kind yet make it known I'm done?

TresDesolee Fri 15-Apr-16 13:50:35

I had a friend who was constantly getting into stupid relationships with unsuitable men, and who loved the drama. The difference though is that she is otherwise a genuinely good mate.

I dealt with it by just flatly changing the subject.

So I'd get a text saying 'OMG now he's told me I'm a whore and I've seen on Facebook that he's friended another school mum'

And I'd text back

'What a tosser. God I've had a tough day <insert anecdote here> Shall we get the kids together later this week?'

It felt really false at first, but it's actually worked. She still occasionally gives me rundowns (and she's still going out with idiots) but she seems to have accepted that I'm just BORED with the endless drama.

bigtapdancingpimp Fri 15-Apr-16 14:17:09

My best friend was the same, six years with an abusive knob. Constant drama, late night calls sobbing down the phone etc. Eventually I told her I never wanted to hear his name again and while she was still with him I couldn't be friends with her. She went mad but eventually dumped him and now our friendship is back on track.

Same as TresDesolee though, keep changing the subject and refuse to engage.

jay55 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:56:47

Sounds like he's married or at least has someone else.

Just don't reply, you don't owe her anything when the friendship is so one sided.

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