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To not want to live like this anymore

(40 Posts)
milkfreecocopops Wed 30-Mar-16 09:48:22

Have name changed. Please do not flame me. I desperately need your help. I absolutely feel I am losing it. I feel like I am losing my mind and having a breakdown. I sat and completely broke down yesterday. This is no life.

My dd used to be a lovely child. She has some additional needs including Dyspraxia and a processing disorder. She is also on the list for Camhs for Aspergers assessment. She has started puberty although not periods and she is horrendous.

She is 13. I feel like I have tried everything. Tried calmly talking to her, tried rewards, tried consequences, I have read the Explosive Child, read the Get out of my Life book, tried non confrontational. We spend quality time together, there is only us.

She is physically and verbally abusive to me continually, it is constant, if I go out of the way she follows me, if she cannot get to me she will go berserk in the house. She will not go to her room to calm down. I am sick of the constant verbal and physical abuse. I am sick of living in fear in my own home of being kicked, hit, pushed, scratched and bit, of her pulling at my clothes and hurting me and the constant put downs and being talked to like I am shit on her shoe. I am sick of being told how useless a Mum I am, how much she hates me, how worthless I am and she wishes I was not here. She is incredibly angry all the time mostly because she cannot have a life where she can do what she wants without consequence and because she has to go to school. She is definitely not being bullied there she just hates school and always has. She tells me her abusive behaviour is my own fault.

I am ashamed to say that I did lose my calm with her once in between being hit, grabbed, screamed at for four hours and said something in anger, she now uses this continually against me.

I am sick of the constant threats. If I remove her X box because of her behaviour she smashes the house up (it stays removed btw). If I ignore her she climbs all over me or grabs at me. She does not behave like this at school. She threatens me every time I make school aware how she is behaving and tells me I have ruined her life and she will not get a job or work because of me but that's fine because 'that's what you want anyway'

She says sorry when she realises she has gone massively too far but it means nothing. We are at risk of losing our home because she is screaming and banging the house down continually.

I have no support from ex and little family support.
She behaves at my parents because they will let her sit on Youtube from 5am till midnight so she has no reason to misbehave.

I am done.

2boysnamedR Wed 30-Mar-16 09:52:12

No words of advice as my Ds with asd is only four but hugs. Dreading him getting older

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 30-Mar-16 10:00:04

What have her teachers said? Can you go back to GP or CAMHS is you have a point of contact there and say how bad things have got?


suzanski Wed 30-Mar-16 10:05:19

So sorry for what you're going through! I have had a similar situation with my DD, who is also awaiting assessment for ASD. You have been very active in trying to learn how to cope, which is great.

The only thing I have found which has diffused the situation a bit is to "pick my battles" with her by adjusting my expectations of her. There are certain non-negotiables, but I have really tried to stop nagging her for the small things, as I don't know whether she is actually capable of doing them. This has calmed things down considerably.

I have also called Parentline Scotland on occasion, I think this is Family Lives in England, and got telephone CBT counselling from the NHS.

The teenage board here is also helpful.

You're not alone, and I hope knowing that someone else has been tearing her hair out helps. Hope things improve a little very soon, and a lot over time.

puzzledbyadream Wed 30-Mar-16 10:20:47

My sister was exactly the same. She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder now she is 18 but we've always believed her to have Pathological Demand Avoidance syndrome.

I'm sad to say things worked out poorly in my family; my mum had her arrested for assault and eventually kicked her out at 14, wanting her to go into care. My dad took her in instead.

I'm sorry that's not much help, but just to let you know that others have been there. CAMHS can be a great help, as well as getting the right support in place at school (with kids with ASD sometimes they hold it together all day at school and then explode when they get home, which is really tough on families). My sister now lives independently, goes to college and is quite settled. It will pass.

Anomaly Wed 30-Mar-16 10:33:53

If she'll not abuse you if left to play on you tube why not just let her? She's clearly struggling and I think if she could behave normally she would but she can't. You're understandably struggling who wouldn't in your shoes. How she is behaving is damaging to you and her so if she'll calm down on a tablet watching you tube I would let her. It wouldn't be great parenting if she was normal but she's not.

mix56 Wed 30-Mar-16 10:34:48

I think you can't really know what to do until her assessment. but,
I just wondered what happens if you let her do what she likes? Completely.
Don't ask her to go to school, or have a shower, or go to bed, or turn off xbox. Don't tell her dinner is made, (don't make dinner) don't ask her to tidy her room just stop doing anything for her, expect nothing of her.
If she is apologetic once it's over, then she knows its out of order.
if you lose your home, where does she expect to live ?

grapejuicerocks Wed 30-Mar-16 10:45:42

If she is physically abusing you, you have no choice but to call ss and ask that she be removed. Perhaps that reality check may shock her into working with you and ss to stay in the home.
I may be talking out of my bottom here as I have no experience, but you shouldn't have to put up with physical abuse. You need help urgently and unfortunately with budgets being over stretched you won't get proper help till it reaches crisis point. Maybe that crisis point is now. Make sure you reassure her she is loved but that you have no option but to call ss now.

Papergirl1968 Wed 30-Mar-16 11:00:51

My 14-year-old adopted dd can be like this. It sounds like typical push-pull behaviour. She's very angry with the world and with you but she also clearly wants to be with you. You are absolutely right in removing the x box and not giving in to her for the sake of an easy life as its all about power and control with these kids, and it's essential you remain the one in charge. Picking the battles only works to a certain extent with my dd as I find that ignoring behaviour can cause it to escalate. Try not to react when she is verbally abusive or agree with her - she says, "you're a shit mum" and you respond "that's right," or just "if you say so." When she is being violent or damaging the house restrain her, gently but firmly.
Keep pushing for help from CAHMS or your GP or ring children's services. I doubt they'll be in a position to offer respite but they should be able to advise. Can you get her to a holiday club to give yourself a break? Leisure centres often run all day ones.
Does she have any hobbies? My dd benefits enormously from horse riding, and says the horses calm her down.
You sound at the end of your tether, and have my sincere sympathies. It's bloody hard and there's little joy or reward but keep reminding yourself it will get better.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 30-Mar-16 11:04:25

I am so sorry and I could not read and run

|I have no fucking idea other than person experience but what leaps out at me is

pick your battles, kind of like mix56 said maybe you need a break
and in parallel give her a warning
- I love you
- physically and emotionally I cant cope with this either
- I am going to ask for some help for us, but I am warning you now that from this minute onwards I am writing a diary of the physical abuse- and that for our mutual mental health I cant stay being abused- and we need help from SS

she is clearly very disturbed, AND you cannot be physically abused - you have hit the rock bottom

sending flowers- this so sucks and I know there are people on here that have come thought this

sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 30-Mar-16 11:12:39

Have you videoed her? And shown her what she looks like in these rages?

Have you tried totally not engaging in arguments - no comments - totally ignore?

There are some self defence coarses (Team Teach) the you could go on?

Good Luck - keep talking when she's calm -

BeaufortBelle Wed 30-Mar-16 11:34:20

I didn't want to read and run although I have no advice. All I can say is that I have two fairly normal children who are now 17 and 21. The teenage years even with them have had their roller coaster times and have been very hard. I cannot fully comprehend what you must be going through.

The little experience I have of CAMHS is that they won't do very much until crisis point is reached and this may be at the point of failure to attend school. If this could be the tipping point to get help, might it be helpful to stop forcing her to go if it means the help follows more quickly. I understand though that it is probably a relief if she is there. Remember too that when she hurts you it is assault and if you were to call the police they would likely contact social services who in turn would involve CAMHS and there might be a positive coming from it for both of you.


Joystir58 Wed 30-Mar-16 11:40:14

Call SS and say you want her removed. My friend had to do this eventually with her 13 year old son because the abuse was extending to his young sister and because someone was going to get killed/the house get burned down/something else horrendous happen if she didn't take action to protect herself the house and the rest of her family. She was devastated at having to take this decision but, like you, was at the end of her tether. I think enough is enough and for both your sakes it is time for time out. In the meantime just let her do what she wants for peace' sake. You have done your best and are not to blame- your daughter needs professional help. Maybe after she has received this help in an appropriate residential setting away from you, she will be bale to develop a more respectful attitude towards you and your relationship can heal.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 30-Mar-16 11:54:55

Everybody else has talked about the behaviour so I'm not going to.

Housing however,

If your DD has additional needs that cause these problems and you can show you are talking all reasonable steps to reduce the noise even if they do not work you have a good case not to lose your home, you should be seeing if a service near you does housing advocacy or housing floating support and obtaining specialist housing help

Beautifulstorm Wed 30-Mar-16 12:06:31

I would video her. I'd also explain that I loved her very much but if thr abuse doesn't stop social services and the police will be involved. You don't deserve this and you shouldn't have to tolerate it. Children play up yes, but what your experiencing is a form of domestic violence and abuse.

whois Wed 30-Mar-16 12:27:15

Tell her that the next time she is physically abusive, you will call the police.
Follow this through. You do not have to be abused in your own home.

Contact SS and say you are not coping with her.

milkfreecocopops Wed 30-Mar-16 12:32:55

If I try ignoring it escalates to a point where I cannot ignore it.

I have filmed her and showed her. She goes berserk.

I am going back to the GP. I had a terrible experience with Camhs years ago when a terrible woman blamed my dds behaviour on the fact I had had PND when she was a baby. (because she and I had nearly died and I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy!)

I have seriously thought about SS but I am terrified that if she is removed she will be placed with her father. That will cause a way worse situation.

She does have hobbies yes.

Needasock thank you so much. That is a relief.

She doesn't care if we are evicted. She will go in care to a nicer Mum than me and i will be homeless apparently.

Lucsy Wed 30-Mar-16 12:35:13

I had this with my eldest.
I started to phone the police each time. I thought it would help. It didn't. Even after spending time in a cell didn't help him after he strangled me. Eventually I told him he couldn't live here anymore.

That was a few years ago. SS found a supported living arrangement and he now has his own flat and a job and is a really lovely lad. He's still a selfish idiot a lot of the time but he is deeply ashamed of hurting me so badly so many times.
It escalated so badly

My suggestions are that you stop paying for anything. That's where is hurts them. No mobile phone, no extra cash for anything at all bar absolute essentials. Food, a basic wardrobe of clothes. Then do everything you can to keep yourself safe and stay out of her way. Leave the door open for her to talk but you can't reason with them when they are like this.

Feel free to PM me. I've been at the 'I'm done' point. Kicking him out was the hardest thing ever but even he says it was the best thing for him now. He loves his life and is very very happy with his job and everything else

milkfreecocopops Wed 30-Mar-16 12:43:16

Thank you Lucsy.

shazzarooney99 Wed 30-Mar-16 12:52:32

I am on my way out soon but will reply later xxx

BitchyComment Wed 30-Mar-16 13:00:36

You have to work out the what the most important thing is here and that must surely be that no one come to any physical harm. You just can't let yourself be put in physical danger. What if she grabs a knife one time or what if you fall awkwardly.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you have no option but to call SS or the police.

This isn't your fault.

SealSong Wed 30-Mar-16 13:03:25

Social services have family support services that they can put in place to help your DD stay at home and help you manage her behaviour. Phone and ask about family support.

corythatwas Wed 30-Mar-16 13:05:57

I think you have to put aside any bad experience you have had of CAHMS in the past to get your dd the help she needs now. Also call SS.

Dh and I were suspected of sexual abuse when dd presented at A&E with undiagnosed leg pains. It was a ghastly experience and I had flashbacks for years. But it never stopped me from taking either of the children to hospital if I felt they needed it. We never saw the same doctor again. But if we had I would have dealt with it.

Also years of various professionals suggesting that dd (once diagnosed) wouldn't have such difficulties with her condition if it wasn't for me being an anxious or medically over-invested mum (I am definitely at the laidback end of the spectrum). Didn't stop me pushing for more help if dd needed it. You have to. It's shit but you have to.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 30-Mar-16 13:06:18

Please call SS. They will advise you at the very minimum.

Abraid2 Wed 30-Mar-16 13:06:32

Have you discussed oppositional defiant disorder with anyone? Agree about SS.

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