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To think DH is putting me in a difficult position?

(172 Posts)
RaphaellaTheSpanishWaterDog Tue 29-Mar-16 18:08:15

About five years ago my best friend (known all my life) invited us to lunch. At the time we were living on the other side of the country but had family close-ish to her house. While there our other halves got talking - they've known each other about 20 years but are not especially close - and her DH showed mine a childhood collection of items that my DH is a specialist in (dealer). My DH offered to take said items home and research them. We next saw my friend again about a year when the subject wasn't referred to and ditto the following year, but both were family gatherings when we all had other things on our minds. Since then we have moved even further away (4+ hrs drive).

Fast forward to a few weeks back when I received a b/day card with a message asking my DH to call hers - he would like the items back and as they'll be in the area 'soon' we could meet up.

Stupidly assuming DH knew exactly where the items in question were I suggested he dig them out and call friend's DH at which point he looked a trifle sheepish and said he 'thought' they were in the garage. Now, after buying this house in late 2014 we moved a garage-full of stuff from the storage unit we rented when living at our previous house, so our garage is pretty chocka. I offered to help DH search - which took several days - but to no avail. We also went through cupboards in the house - it's a restoration project and we're living in a building site at the mo, so I thought they were just mislaid - again, no joy.

At that point I started to get suspicious of DH - he does have a bit of a tendency to be a little economical with the truth (nothing really bad, just 'white lies' supposedly to protect me/other people from getting hurt......) - and asked him if he'd either sold them intentionally or inadvertently perhaps? He was adamant that he hadn't and started suggesting our (very expensive and otherwise wholly reliable) removers had nicked them. I should point out here that these items are of no intrinsic, only sentimental value and could probably - with some effort - be replaced.

Anyway, he initially said he'd call friend's DH, then went quiet and when reminded a couple of weeks later he'd (conveniently?) forgotten all about it hmm Now several weeks have passed and I'm feeling awful - my friend doesn't have our landline no and we've both changed mobile numbers since we last spoke. We no longer do FB after we were stalked by someone relating to our business and we don't know when their planned trip this way is. I'm worried that my friend and her DH will turn up on our doorstep when we least expect it. Worse still it's her b/day soon and I now feel I can't send her a card without mentioning the subject.

I feel DH has put me into a difficult position that threatens to undermine a lifelong friendship.....what should I do and AIBU?

gruffaloshmuffalo Tue 29-Mar-16 18:09:45

It sounds like he's stolen whatever it is. Do you think that's the case?

Looly71 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:10:52

Was in a similar position years ago albeit on the other side of the fence. You have to talk frankly to your husband and make it clear that he has to sort this out with them urgently. Honesty is the best policy

Ohfuckaducky Tue 29-Mar-16 18:11:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellErrr Tue 29-Mar-16 18:12:59

Oh dear.

He needs to come clean and replace them.

waffilyversati1e Tue 29-Mar-16 18:13:03

I guess he had better start putting the effort into replacing them then..

LettingAgentNightmare Tue 29-Mar-16 18:13:06

He's probably sold them, or lost them. Either way, what a coward. He's clearly hoped they would never mention it again...I can't believe he kept the stuff for 2 years anyway. He should have returned them when you saw them at the gathering. But he'd probably made so,e money off someone else's stuff by then.

expatinscotland Tue 29-Mar-16 18:13:54

He stole them. I'd tell him, 'Either you tell them by tomorrow or I will, with an offer to replace them.'

RudeElf Tue 29-Mar-16 18:14:13

Your DH has sold them. He needs to own up and call your friend's husband and pay him what he got for them. If he hasnt sold them then he needs to pay him what they were worth and try and source replacement.

yorkshapudding Tue 29-Mar-16 18:14:38

I feel DH has put me into a difficult position that threatens to undermine a lifelong friendship

Tell him exactly this. It's unacceptable that you're frightened to contact a friend because your DH has lost/sold/damaged items that were entrusted to him. Tell him that needs to be honest and tell you exactly what has happened to the items and then you can decide together how to proceed. He obviously thinks he can avoid the subject until you forget about it but now that your friends want their stuff back that's not going to work. He needs to understand that you won't be dropping the subject so there's no point in burying his head in the sand.

AnnieKenney Tue 29-Mar-16 18:15:03

You are NBU. Here's what I would do - tell DH he has to fess up and replace them AND endure without complaint your obvious embarrassment during said fess up.

Vintage45 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:15:11

You do have a way to contact them then.

Do that immediately and tell your friend what your DH has told you. Why are you protecting such an underhanded person.

SonjasSister Tue 29-Mar-16 18:15:13

He needs to come clean. First to you, then to your friends. He needs to know that the trust (or lack of it) between you and him, and between you and your friends, is really important - as it is in any human relationship.

It seems to me that he is reacting like a little kid scared of being told off - maybe his parents were a bit unreasonable and abusive? - but at long last, he needs to grow up (and face down these demons if that is what was behind it). It must be REALLY embarrassing for your friends, sounds like they really don't want to lose your friendship as they are being so patient - but they deserve the truth!

AnyFucker Tue 29-Mar-16 18:15:58

Jesus. With friends like you two, who needs enemies ?

Tell your husband to stop fucking about and replace the items and I suggest you don't deliberately ignore your friends birthday because you are embrassed

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 29-Mar-16 18:16:32

I'd say his 'little white lies' are pretty harmful if they involved you searching through the house for days.

Charlesroi Tue 29-Mar-16 18:17:00

Send your friend her birthday card and enclose DH's mobile number, suggesting that 'it will be easier to sort out this way'. I think your DH has either sold or lost the items and it's him who should fess up and sort it out.

Ohfuckaducky Tue 29-Mar-16 18:17:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbleBubble00 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:17:59

you need to write a letter to friend now if that's the only way, explain that dh has lost them and either offer to replace or give monetary value.

ilovesooty Tue 29-Mar-16 18:20:06

I'm interested in his other "white lies" too.

What a coward he seems to be.

ilovesooty Tue 29-Mar-16 18:21:10

I'd make him contact them. I don't see why the OP should.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Tue 29-Mar-16 18:21:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

expatinscotland Tue 29-Mar-16 18:22:25

'he does have a bit of a tendency to be a little economical with the truth (nothing really bad, just 'white lies' supposedly to protect me/other people from getting hurt......) -'

Nothing really bad? He sold their stuff without their permission. How would you feel if it were your stuff? I'd be fucking livid.

He sold them without their permission and pocketed the money.

That's low. And trying to put the blame on someone else is even lower.

I wouldn't hold my breath about his 'fessing up, either, because he's a liar and a thief.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Tue 29-Mar-16 18:22:28


MaudGonneMad Tue 29-Mar-16 18:23:32

You've had the items for 5 years? shock

Buckinbronco Tue 29-Mar-16 18:23:46

It's all very well telling OP her husband must tell her but what can she do if he won't? Waterboard him?

I'd be tempted to tell my friend what you know, or at least, give her your DH number. But in reality you'll probably not be able to recover from this especially if he won't deal with it. Yes he has put you in a horrible position, poor you

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