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to not feel guilty for not lending the money?

(147 Posts)
Timeforanamechangy Tue 29-Mar-16 17:50:02

I have a friend who I have known for many years, she's never been well off but the last few years she's been signed off with medical issues and hasn't been able to work.

As such she is quite short on money and will occasionally ask to borrow some from me. It has always small amounts and I didn't mind lending it to her as long as I got it back.

Things escalated recently and she started asking to borrow more and more, sometimes 2 requests a week, always smallish amounts but totalling about £300, which is not an insubstantial amount of money for me as I'm on a low income myself.

Her most recent reasons for asking have mostly been to do with her stepdad - he's got cancer, he doesn't have long left to live, he's been taken to hospital in etc etc and she's needed the money to get to the hospital and go and see him (she doesn't drive and I live 4hrs away from her).

I have lent her quite a lot now and am getting irritated by the fact she still has not paid me back anything out of the recent loans shes had, so when I got another message asking for £20 to buy back her tablet from a shop (cash converters type place), I was feeling less than willing to part with my money but I agreed on the provision that I couldn't lend her any more. She agreed and I tranferred the money to her account.

About 5 mintues later I got another message saying DSDad had been rushed to hospital again and could I lend her more to get there. At this point I had had enough and told her no. I got a slightly sarky response back along the lines of Ok, thanks anyway, I guess I'll have to walk then and it'll take me ages. She has messaged me again this afternoon saying that her DSDad has actually passed away.

Aibu to not feel guilty that I didn't lend her even more than I already had done? Obviously I'm very sorry for her loss but I had lent her money already that day and much more besides and as far as I'm concerned getting to the hospital should have been her priority. She asked me for more money only minutes later so its not possible she had already spent it. Or should I feel guilty that me not lending her the extra money meant she potentially didn't get to say goodbye to her stepdad? I'm not sure how I feel or how I should feel tbh.

sooperdooper Tue 29-Mar-16 17:54:26

Agree she should've used the money you'd already given her that day, she can't have spent it within 5 mins, that makes no sense and it should've been her priority anyway

Vintage45 Tue 29-Mar-16 17:55:11

YANBU

Sad circumstances aside, she's taking the piss. You aren't her cash cow.

imeatingthechocolate Tue 29-Mar-16 17:56:21

well how were you to know really? as you said the money was in her account for the tablet she should have used that and to blazes with the tablet! family is more important than possessions sounds like she wanted the tablet and see her stepdad

i would own it yes i lent her money i couldn't afford to lend anymore that day sorry for her loss but its not my fault

Crabbitface Tue 29-Mar-16 17:56:47

You are in no way responsible for her situation. You have been a good friend and have been supportive. You had already given her money on the day her SD died - how she chose to spend that money was up to her. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I understand that this has been a difficult time for your friend but she was BU for trying to make you feel guilty for not giving her more money and I wonder if, in general, you get as much back from her as she gets from you. Not just financially obviously, but is she as good a friend to you.

RudeElf Tue 29-Mar-16 17:59:44

Youre already out £300, i think you've gone above and beyond already. Yanbu. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If her stepdad wasnt well surely other family were around and could have offered lifts or given her bus money?

Lweji Tue 29-Mar-16 18:06:23

Don't feel guilty. She's been treating you like an unlimited source of cash. I'm not sure I'd believe half her stories, actually.
Please stop lending her money and start asking for it back. At worst don't lend her more and write off the debt

Katedotness1963 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:07:06

It was her choice to use the money to get back her tablet instead of transport to the hospital. You have nothing to feel badly about, you've been very generous to her as it is. I wonder if she hasn't kept track of how much she's borrowed?

expatinscotland Tue 29-Mar-16 18:09:42

YANBU. Don't feel bad.

Timeforanamechangy Tue 29-Mar-16 18:10:48

I just feel like a bitch now sad

I'm very much a people pleaser and have only said no to her on 2 other occasions, one of those I'm ashamed to say I just turned off my phone and ignored her messages because even after I'd said no she continued to bombard me and I just couldn't handle it.

I'm also slightly worried that she may try and use this situation to leverage even more money out of me, or that it may become an excuse not to pay me back when she said she would (Friday). I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say about a friend and I feel awful thinking it but her behaviour recently has been irratic and the stories she has been coming out with about a) why she needs the money and b) why she can't pay me back yet just seem to be getting more and more farfetched.

If she doesn't pay me back, I can't really pester her for the money as she is grieving and that would make me and even bigger bitch. I don't want it to sound all me, me, me, especially at a time like this but I really do need it back. I've been able to see online when and how much I've given her and it totalls about £300 since the beginning of March.

Topseyt Tue 29-Mar-16 18:15:25

I might sound horrible here, but is there a chance she isn't telling you the truth. Stepdad OK, but she is just so miffed you didn't immediately transfer more money?

Hope I am wrong there. Lend her nothing more and feel no guilt.

She might be trying to guilt trip you.

thecatfromjapan Tue 29-Mar-16 18:17:26

You're really nice. I think what you need to learn from this is how to say 'No' sooner.
You became her go-to person, to the point where she seemed to have learnt to expect you to give without complaint, and feel angry when you refuse (she seems to be combining blaming you for the death and feeling anger towards you - both extremely unreasonable and irrational).

I would suggest you train yourself to say 'No' for little things, build it up, and analyse why you go so far for other people.

People WILL like you, even if you say 'no' sometimes. My guess is that you will find it more positive: you may give off more of a vibe that puts off the takers from trying it on with you.

You are likeable, in your own right.

228agreenend Tue 29-Mar-16 18:19:03

She is abusing your friendship and obviously has no financial common sense at all, if she is asking from money, and pawning her tablet.

Obviously now is a sensitive time. However, I would wait a month and then get in contact and ask,for,the money back. Don't be tempted to give her any more money until she pays you back. You are not her bank. It did cross my mind whether she was using the money for what she said it was being used for. £300 is a lot of money, £10 per day.

If she needs money, she can always pawn her tablet again, or anything else she has.

thecatfromjapan Tue 29-Mar-16 18:20:07

Sadly, topseyt may have a point. Would she be the type to be a bit economical with the truth?

Olddear Tue 29-Mar-16 18:21:15

Stop lending her money, it doesn't sound as if she has the means to pay you back so you may have to write this debt off. Forgive me if I'm being cynical, but are you sure this poor chap has actually died and she isn't trying to guilt trip you?

Katedotness1963 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:25:37

£300? In less than a month?? You have nothing to feel guilty about!

AyeAmarok Tue 29-Mar-16 18:28:44

No, definitely don't feel bad.

Even IF she had already bought her tablet back in the interim 5 minutes, all she had to do was trade it back in again to the cash converters and get the money for a taxi.

Don't lend any more money.

Lweji Tue 29-Mar-16 18:28:57

You don't need to ask for the money back. Just borrow from her. Or forget your wallet on occasion.

Timeforanamechangy Tue 29-Mar-16 18:32:03

Just seen some FB posts and can confirm he has unfortunately passed away. But now she is asking for more money! She says he was at home and they haven't taken him away yet so she needs money to get there before he goes so she can say goodbye. Its all very sad. Don't know what to do sad

RudeElf Tue 29-Mar-16 18:34:01

Don't know what to do sad

There will be other family there who can either collect her or give her money to get there. This isnt your responsibility.

thecatfromjapan Tue 29-Mar-16 18:35:14

It is very sad. However, you went past your boundary with this a while ago. You can't afford it.

I think you have to acknowledge (to yourself) that you want to help byt can't help with money.

Sometimes, you can't.

You can offer other forms of support.

Dustyantique Tue 29-Mar-16 18:36:16

If she's asking you for more money before paying back a previous loan, then it would be folly to lend more.

Did she ask for money, have DSDad go to hospital and die, and inform you by text of that, all on the same day? I couldn't quite tell from your description.

RaspberryOverload Tue 29-Mar-16 18:36:20

I wouldn't give her the money.

If this had been the only time she'd asked, then in these circumstances I would. But she's been asking regularly, and I would be surprised if you ever see any of that money again.

pinkcan Tue 29-Mar-16 18:37:22

Fgs this woman has been using you as a loan service. She is a pisstaker not a friend. I'd not ever speak to her again.

ThomasHardyPerennial Tue 29-Mar-16 18:38:07

Agree with RudeElf, you are not responsible for her. £300 in less than a month is flippin' loads, and I hope you get it back. Whether she is grieving or not, she still owes you the money and you mustn't be afraid to ask for it back. What a check she has!

I think you have been very patient, and a great friend to help her out like you have. You have no reason to feel bad.

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