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AIBU to not let my dd stay the night

(24 Posts)
Amy214 Tue 29-Mar-16 15:09:01

I split up with my ex during early pregnancy as he didnt want dd but i did. He changed his mind when she was born but still hasnt consistently seen her for 2 years. Dd has maintained some contact with gran (his mum) but the things she has said has really weirded me out, she told me that she lost a dd and was going to call her amy (same name as me) and as soon as dd was born she would tell everyone she was hers and would also say things like 'its like my daughter has come back' i never questioned it because i thought maybe shes still cut up about losing her baby. She keeps demanding that i let her take dd out for the day or overnight but i know she wouldnt follow my routine. She texts me when she wants to see her and most of the time it is last minute so if i have plans i have to cancel because she will literally cry and go in a huff if i say we cant do that day as i am doing xyz. When dd was in hospital she would phone and text me and when she couldnt get a hold of me she would contantly ring the ward and demand that she be told what is going on. She repeatedly tells me that she wants to be a normal gran but i dont know what that means? I hardly seen my grandparents and never went out for the day with them or was left to sleep overnight either. So i find it strange that she is desparate? She also tells people that i cant cope, im depressed and im crazy. She denies it but i cant help thinking shes jealous? I live with my parents so dd has a close relationship with them but i cant help that as i cant afford to move out. Should i just ignore it or have words?

waffilyversati1e Tue 29-Mar-16 15:19:31

1) you need to make it clear that you won't put up with her badmouthing you. Don't ignore it and don't get upset. Just be perfectly clear that its not going to happen.

2) would them having a closer relationship benefit your dd?

Amy214 Tue 29-Mar-16 15:44:45

My dd doesnt seem to bother with them when they are here. I have noticed she isnt as comfortable with them as she is with other complete strangers. If anything i would say shes terrified of them she cries if i leave the room to get her juice or use the bathroom and is happy when i come back. Dd has always been happier crawling/running around but i think because they always pick her up beg her for cuddles and smother her in kisses she gets annoyed. Ive always given her the freedom to choose what she wants to do and with them she doesnt have a choice shes constrained.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 29-Mar-16 15:56:21

Sounds like she screwed up your ex, and is now trying to screw up your DD. Not deliberately, but she's quite obviously a prime example of the smother/ignore school of parenting.

Nobody NEEDS grandparents; I didn't have any to speak of. At the moment, we're supporting DD's best friend in fending off her ex's mother, who not content with enabling her violent druggie son, has now started making noises about solicitors and court-enforced access. Yeah, right.

YouTheCat Tue 29-Mar-16 16:01:18

I wouldn't give in to her huffs and crying.

If you have plans that's tough.

MegMez Tue 29-Mar-16 16:02:04

It's probably difficult for the Gran to see that your daughter (obviously as you live with them) sees your parents more frequently. Perhaps jealousy comes in to play (infantile but sadly, some people work like that.)

Stop bending to fit her schedule. Make arrangements and stick to them. If needs be - a day a fortnight or whatever - I don't know what would work for you.

I know it's difficult if she wouldn't use the same routine but that's family.

Your daughter's only two though (right?) so she's still your baby and I can see why you'd not be happy to leave her overnight.

However, never say never. Say you still think she's too young to sleep over but let her go for a day out with them - arrange to do something with friends or maybe something constructive like some work or DIY and pick her up at an arranged time (e.g. 5pm so you can get do her tea and bedtime routine).

We grew up with both sets of Grandparents 3 hours away so I never had sleepovers growing up but my kids have as my parents and mother in law are local to us and it's perfect for babysitting.

Do you work? My mother in law and mum share the childcare while I work and this was a good way to build that trust as I needed it to happen!

I know it's not so simple when you're not with the father and have no contact with him. I do have a stepdaughter but the relationship between her and her dad and her mum and him and me is fine and she's slept at all 3 sets of grandparents.

Don't let her bully you or guilt trip you with her tears. It's pathetic (on her part).

My niece has no contact with her dad (loooong story) but has a good relationship with his mum - she sees her most weekends and goes on holiday with her. She's 10 and it was a long road with her dad but the contact with her nan has been important to her.

At the end of the day, it's up to you. The whole lost baby reborn thing is odd to me but some people think like. Rather spooky and unfair but harmless.

coconutpie Tue 29-Mar-16 16:14:25

Stop letting her dictate - tell her you can arrange a day in advance but it will not be last minute as this just does not suit you. I also wouldn't be sending her for overnight visits - way too young. I would also be telling her that unless she starts respecting you and stops making up lies about you to others that she won't be having any relationship with her GC. Oh and the reborn thing is really weird. If they suffocate your DD so much that your DD can't cope with you being out of the room for 5 min, then I wouldn't be keen on unsupervised access either. Your DD is a person, not a doll.

lateforeverything Tue 29-Mar-16 16:17:25

We had a somewhat similar situation with dss' maternal gm. Essentially her daughter did not want to have dss live with her. So, since dh and I have always been extremely involved we went for official residency and we were successful. I also got pr.

I can really relate to the OTT kisses and cuddles. Dss would wriggle away from her and could not stand it.

Maternal gm was adamant throughout the court process that she should have residency and although she did not pursue this through the courts (wise move) she would say things like "Oh my baby doesn't want me! You've turned my baby boy against me." She stopped speaking to her daughter because she did not support her going for residency. The last straw was her whispering in dss' ear "Do you really want to live with THEM? Why don't you come with me? Are you really going to leave me and go to England?"

She and bio mum live abroad and we could not dss son here to the UK quick enough tbh. When her daughter signed the residency agreement gm attempted suicide and wrote in her note that her dd had betrayed her by allowing dss to move away with his dad. We would not have barred her in any way from seeing way but even though she survived, dss has only seen her twice since, supervised. No way would dss stay at her house overnight, he doesn't even stay at bio mum's house as she has a drink problem.

All contact dried up from their side three years ago so I will applying to adopt dss this year, fingers crossed.

Mishaps Tue 29-Mar-16 16:19:44

I don't think I would let your DD stay with this lady, both because you and she are not comfortable with her, and also because two is too young to stay with someone you do not know well. Definitely say no.

I speak as a grandma who has on occasions had DGC younger than two to stay - but they knew us very well as we live nearby and have lots of contact.

Your DD's well-being comes before everything, so you will have to just say a firm no.

lateforeverything Tue 29-Mar-16 16:52:11

I forgot to mention that my dss' maternal grandma has 2 daughters, hence why she thought it justified to refer to dss as 'her baby boy' incessantly. hmm

Amy214 Tue 29-Mar-16 17:09:30

Shes never been away me, ive tried organising in advance but she 'forgot' and didnt turn up, i have said that last minute doesnt work as im very busy. I dont work but i babysit my niece and nephew mon-fri. Hoping to work when she starts nursery. My aunty has just started taking her away for a couple of hours which im fine with and so is dd. I want to cut off contact but i have no idea how? Do i change my phone number? What if she turns up at my front door? I do worry about them just turning up and taking her.

ImperialBlether Tue 29-Mar-16 17:16:29

Frankly I wouldn't leave my child for five minutes with someone who was going around telling people I was crazy.

They can't just turn up and take her - if she does, you call the police immediately.

I would maybe let her see your daughter if you or your mum is there, too. Otherwise she could stick it.

Amy214 Tue 29-Mar-16 17:42:42

She thinks its weird that im so protective she always tells me to just let her go and trust her.

lateforeverything Tue 29-Mar-16 17:56:31

No no and no. She slags you off, questions you and tells you what to do? Come on!

Creampastry Tue 29-Mar-16 17:59:30

Why woukd you encourage this relationship? She's a bitcg. Ignore her.

Amy214 Tue 29-Mar-16 19:34:32

Your right lateforeverything im going to ignore her texts/phonecalls change my number when i can and if she shows up demanding to see her i'll tell her to piss off. Hopefully she gets the idea. Need to stick to my guns dd has everyone she needs here and has all the love she could ever need/want smile

lateforeverything Tue 29-Mar-16 21:45:18

I really think that you are doing the right thing as you have no obligation to this woman whatsoever.

I doubt that she will go away quietly but stick to your guns x

Cantstopeatingchocolate Tue 29-Mar-16 23:02:46

We never left our Ds overnight until he was 4ish. Partly due to me bring a bit of a control freak and not wanting to let go. We stayed at grandparents (my parents) regularly but my Dh and I were always there too. The first time we left him was because both DH and I had to work just after Xmas and it was easier just to leave him at parents as that was where we had been over Xmas, than everyone having to drive back to our town (2 hours away) so he could stay in his own house with them Looking after him.
I think you can just say that you are uncomfortable leaving your dd while she's so young and if gran doesn't like it there's nowhere she can go with her arguments until DD is older.
My MIL used to say that we didn't let her bond with her grandson and we didn't let him stay with her from just weeks old!! Now we have zero relationship with her, it was all too much on both sides to survive an already strained relationship.
If you want DD to have a relationship with her fathers side of the family you need to be assertive with them about your worries and maybe set a specific day every week or two weeks for her to see your DD. She's maybe just feeling a bit left out as DD stays with other grandparents and they 'get more time with her'.
She's your daughter so it's your decision where she goes and when, don't be guilted into cancelling plans cos that's a rut you might not get out of. Set a visit day, stick to it, ignore texts and calls, be happy wink

HeddaGarbled Tue 29-Mar-16 23:27:22

I think that before I told her to piss off I would tell her which of her behaviours are unacceptable.

Make a list like you have above:

Telling people you are not coping, crazy etc
Calling daughter by wrong name
Telling people she is hers
Harassing you about contact
Not allowing your daughter to play freely
Overdoing the physical contact

Then tell her that you will stop contact if she persists in any of these behaviours.

I know you shouldn't need to explain how unacceptable this all is but if her family have all allowed her to behave like this forever, she needs to be told it's wrong.

If she can't see it and isn't willing to amend her behaviour, then you can go non-contact, knowing that you tried.

whatsmyusername Tue 29-Mar-16 23:37:28

I dont know this woman or your situation but dont cut your nose off to spite your face too soon. If she really wants to see and spend time with her grand children let her but it has to be on your terms not theirs, dont be difficult for the sake of it though.

I am not at all close with my MIL, neither is OH they just arnt that type of family. But DD, now a little older, loves them so much my heart melts to see how much joy she brings to their lives and vice versa. Try and set a regular meeting with them, eg DD would see MIL once per week for an afternoon (while im at work) but if you dont work use the time to have a bit of me time and put your feet up, Id love to do that now.

Overall you need to be happy for DD to go spend time without you and you need to be happy for her to go with them just do what you feel is right she is your child.

junebirthdaygirl Wed 30-Mar-16 09:01:11

Lay down strict guidelines and times. Say once a week for two hours. But don't cut her off. She is your dd grandma. Not the best one l know.
No overnights. No sudden visits. But a definite schedule. Be very respectful and kind and welcoming at that time. Then leave it for another week.
Cutting her off completely would be cruel.

Amy214 Wed 30-Mar-16 09:22:49

I'll have a talk with her this weekend and explain that things aren't working the way they are just now if things had more structure then great, she knows that weekends suit me better. She always uses work as an excuse but i will tell her that if shes working on a day that shes due to come then we'll just have to wait until next time.

lateforeverything Wed 30-Mar-16 09:30:35

Be very respectful and kind is good advice from June but make sure that works both ways!

RaspberryOverload Wed 30-Mar-16 09:49:11

Just because she is the grandmother, doesn't mean there has to be a relationship. People don't suddenly turn into saintly parents/grandparents just because children have arrived. They'll be the person they've always been, whether good, bad or indifferent.

I grew up with only my grandfathers.

One was lovely. The other terrified me and I stopped seeing him when I was young. I'm am now nearly 50, and still think my nasty grandfather did the world a favour by dying.

This grandmother seems only interested in her own wants. As a pp mentioned, she's messed up your ex and is now potentially on the way to messing up your DD. If this person is too much for you to want a relationship with, then she's definitely too much for your DD.

I'd keep contact supervised, and only when it fits your plans and availability.

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