To have made DD pay for the eggs she ate?(94 Posts)
We live overseas and it's very costly to buy English Easter eggs. We splashed out and got all 5 of us a decent sized egg. We also bought 4 regular-sized creme eggs.
Each child had their own large egg and wolfed it down. When I went to get the creme eggs down (from a high shelf) they had all been eaten, despite me expressly telling my daughter (age 8) the day before that she couldn't have them. DD told me she'd eaten them all. Today when I came home from work, mine and my husbands large eggs had been completely eaten. By DD. Again - despite making it very clear that they were not to be. FWIW all the children received massive baskets of candy from relatives.
This is not in isolation - we are having lots of issues with DD being disrespectful and having no respect for other people's things. She has always been a child who pushes boundaries and I find her a real challenge at the best of times.
I emptied her piggy bank and told her that I would be using the money to replace the eggs. She has had an enormous meltdown and DH - as per usual - has rushed to her side, therefore showing her that she can basically do whatever she likes and Daddy will support her.
I know I'm going to get a lot of "you don't have a DD problem, you have a DH problem" responses (with good reason, I suspect) but my question is - was the punishment unreasonable? I really don't think it is, and there's no point even discussing it with DH.
No I don't think it was unreasonable at all. She sounds a little madam and your husband is a fool. He's not helping her in the long run at all.
Not helpful, but my parents actually split up in the end after countless arguments over my brother and how to solve problems with him.
OP I don't think it's unreasonable. I think you did the right thing here.
honeyroar wow, your post hit a nerve. You're right. She is a little madam and if she can divide us like this at age 8, I could absolutely see it being a marriage-breaker eventually. That's what worries me.
Sorry. I don't want to depress you. But if your husband carries on indulging her and "getting her out of trouble" she will grow up doing it. My brother still expects my dad to bail him out even though my brother is in his 40s.. Dad only started saying no in the past decade. He previously thought he was keeping my brother out of trouble by paying his fines and debts. He couldn't. It's heartbreaking, my elderly dad should be being looked after by his son. Sorry I can't come up with much help. My family obviously failed at it. But I think discipline and respect needs teaching.
Is she your only daughter? Is it a daddy's little angel issue? Or was he as detrimental to the upbringing of your other DC?
I'm sorry your Dad has gone through that. You're so right. Food for thought, for sure.
MrsUniverse DD is the eldest of three, and the only living girl. We have a younger daughter who died in utero.
I'm sorry about your loss.
It could be that he sees your DD as inherently different to her brothers and thus needs his protection from consequences. Which is obviously destructive in the long term. That age old stereotype of dad and daughter has a ring if truth to it in some families unfortunately.
I think if she does these things and receives no consequences then she will continue to do them. She should receive a consequence even if it ends up being a different one, such as no sweet treats for a couple of weeks.
I work in a school where the parents set very few boundaries. As they get older their poor behaviour only intensifies and they become almost adults who have no idea about how to take ownership of themselves and their actions. By the time the parents step up and say no the children have no idea how to change. Is this what he wants to do for her? The biggest gift you can give a child is love and fair boundaries. This means consequences when due.
Yanbu to make her pay. Put it into a bank account for when she is older if it makes you feel better x
You're not wrong about the issue with the eggs, she shouldn't have done that and she should replace, her siblings Creme Eggs in particular.
However there is something about the way you speak about her that makes me feel very, very uncomfortable and suspect that there are deeper problems here than the egg incident.
The comment that she could break up your marriage is a really, really inappropriate thing to put at the door of an 8 year old. You also talk about her entirely in negative terms. You seem to have had long term issues getting along. To put it bluntly you really don't sound like you like her very much. Do you think perhaps her father feels she needs someone to stand up for her?
It doesn't sound a happy situation, have you considered family counselling?
YANBU! I was a greedy child but even I wouldn't have eaten my parents' eggs!
Your response is entirely proportionate.
BillSykesDog I was furious when I wrote this post so yes, I can see why it looks very negative towards her. She is a very intense, highly strung child and I find her exhausting most of the time. Her willfulness and refusal to accept boundaries at times is just too much for me. But yes, I see why it reads as though I don't like her very much.
As for my comments about my marriage - I do not think a child can cause the end of a marriage, but I certainly think that parenting differences can expose deeper cracks in a relationship. I can see that already and I'm struggling with what to do with it.
Yambu. It sounds like she are them to be deliberately naughty so she needs to have a suitable consequence. Paying for replacement eggs is a suitable consequence. If your DH is that bothered then don't replace his egg, just take enough money to replace yours and the creme eggs and let your DH do without. Your DHs response is not helpful and will cause problems in the long run.
If I'm completely honest and I'm probably going to be out on a limb here I think your reaction was probably right morally if thats thw right word but will make little difference. I think you are going to have to play the long game here. Children obviously need boundaries but this sounds like a child who is unhappy and wants attention. She knew it would make you cross and she got the attention she wanted. You and your husband need a complete rethink regardless of whether you stay together. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I really did sympathise when I read your post.
Your DH needs to get in line. Your DD stole the eggs. Stealing is wrong, and there needs to be a consequence. I can't think of a more obvious one than making her replace them out of her pocket money.
I did the same to my DD (who is the same age as yours) when she lost her school shoes. She'd repeatedly left them at school, despite warnings, and eventually they simply disappeared. So we docked her pocket money until there was enough saved to replace them. She went to the shop with DW and saw her pocket money used.
DD is also highly strung, and also had a meltdown when the consequence was explained to her. We just ignored her until she got over it. And although DD does push the boundaries, I've noticed that she also appreciates very clear boundaries and directions: you may wish to consider whether your DD is the same.
Yanbu at all but any issues in your relationship are down to you and DH not her "fault". DH needs to start being a proper parent and stop allowing indulgences which will lead to her growing up to be a rather nasty adult if she isn't firmly shown a better path before it's too late.
I guess reading the OP and all of the responses makes me wonder WHY she did it? The few who have mentioned it have put it down to her pushing boundaries and the OP mentions that she does do this on occasion, but actually I'm interested to know whether the OP knows why she might have done this particular thing.
Is it actually because she just loves chocolate SO MUCH that she had to have it, irrespective of the consequences? Or do you actually think she did it because she wanted to make you cross (that's a lot of chocolate to eat in one day - would she normally eat that amount of food/sweet things?) or did she do it without really thinking about the consequences, just saw them and thought 'ooh I'm hungry I'll eat those eggs'?
I don't have any advice or answers, I just think I'd like to know more from the OP on why they think she did it before I understand what the situation is.
Irrespective of the above though, your punishment was definitely understandable and fits the crime and your DH is a huge idiot!
Maybe ask dh what he thinks is appropriate as a punishment? I Don't think you sound purely negative just at your wits end. Sending
You bought the eggs. She ate them. She replaces the eggs. Make sure she sees you eating and enjoying it. Don't give her any.
She is eight. She knew what she was doing. It was greedy. She needs consequences and you OH needs to get a grip. When he is calm sit down and talk about the need for consequences. What if she goes on to steal other things will he be there to bail her out...of gaol! Teaching her a lesson now will be valuable.
I work in a school and more and more children are being given into. The parents aren't't doing them any favours at all. Some of them are becoming spoilt brats and the other kids don't like them much. I don't say this lightly I love kids but my kids had boundaries and grew up to be lovely adults .
Be strict with her on this but look for opportunities in the future to have some mum and daughter time together to build your relationship.
I do think, and I cannot stress this enough, that you should discuss such bigger punishments with your OH before you apply them.
And tell her that you are doing it.
Even if you have to ring him at work to give a heads up.
And you must discuss strategies to address her behaviour and why it's important to show a united front.
Furthermore, I'd tell her in advance what the punishment for certain actions would be.
Tell her what you expect of her and what will happen if she breaks the rules.
Not unreasonable. He's being a twat.
Not only is he encouraging her bad behaviour, he is also making you look like the 'baddie.'
This would warrant a HUGE row for me.
Whilst I completely agree that the punishment was correct sailaway I also have to question if you have thought about her reasons.
Please indulge me on the following;
I have a Dss, he is now 12 and a lovely young man. I met him when he had just turned 9 and I can assure you he was a little
shit sod for behaviour exactly as you describe. Boundary pushing, stealing, aggressive behaviour, massively possessive over everything including his dad. If a bag of sweets was bought for everyone to share he would hog it and refuse to let anyone inc his sister have anything.
Everyone, myself included, would shout, punish and despair. I posted on the step board here and although got a few flames mostly I got some real insight.
As some people have suggested most of his behaviour was around how he had learned to get the attention he wanted. His mum even now focuses all her time on her partner and his 2 girls. She makes time to do things with them at the expense she of her own 2. He hated it and was desperate for the attention. It took a lot of patience and a hell of a lot of love to turn him around.
Ignore as much of the bad behaviour as you can, try as hard as you can to start each day with a clean slate and not carry forward the anger and frustration of the day before. Only reward the good that she does and go a bit overboard on it. She will change, it will be slow but it will be worth it. Dss's mum still complains loudly that Dss is a little swine at hers, grumpy, bad mannered and angry. Here he is lovely, he is polite, helpful, happy and a joy to be around.
It sounds like your DH is overcompensating for your negative attitude towards your dd. He shouldn't undermine you but it is possible he just doesn't know how to say "darling I think you are being too hard on her" without ww3 breaking out.
Good luck and I hope you guys can find the same page before your styles hurt your marriage!
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