DH throwing my things away

[teenytinyshells]

Back story: have hoarding tendencies which (thanks to Marie Kondo) I am overcoming. DH is usually the opposite but in recent months, I have been discarding loads more than him and am far more ruthless at what stays and what goes .

However, I hate the thought of things going to landfill, so take great care to take things to charity shop or put things on ebay/freecycle , FB selling/free pages. DH can't be bothered with any of that and just wants to chuck everything in the bin.

I don't really care what he does with his stuff, but get major rage on when I find my things in the bin. He knows this drives me mad but I've just emptied a bin and found little unused toiletry samples, some cool sew on badges and magazines in the big bin. Yesterday he threw away dd swim lesson next stage form because he thought it was litter. Arrrgh. . AIBU !!

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Have you challenged him about this?

Does he think he's "helping" you, or is he exercising power over you?

I'd be very annoyed with him about it but everything depends upon his motivation

[teenytinyshells]

DH has just got home and yes, has been challenged about this understatement! I think he just see's everything that is not his as litter and by chucking it away is 'helping'. If this was the first time I wouldn't be so furious but it's a regular occurrence and each time he promises it won't happen again. How can I make him stop?!

[Birdsgottafly]

He over-riding your wishes and in a way your beliefs/principles.

I'm also doing MK, I've been minimising my shopping habit for a few years.

I believe in recycling/donating, there's been occasions when my eldest DD (31) has overridden this, especially when clearing out deceased relatives houses.

It is infuriating, they're discounting what you think and taking over.

As for the swim form, you need to get a system for paperwork, that your both on-board with.

[PNGirl]

It is infuriating when it's something that you need or have kept for a reason. However... what I cannot stand are people who don't want to send things to landfill so say they are going to sell or take to the recycling centre, but then don't. Ever. And it just sits there in bags.I could sympathise with him if you had things sitting around for weeks waiting to be dealt with. Similarly with clearing out relatives houses - that's fine if you have time to arrange collection of donations and sorting out freecycling it all but if you've got to get somewhere on the market then sometimes a skip is a more practical option.

[Topseyt]

I am pretty much with PNGirl.

I understand your annoyance at seeing your stuff in the bin, but just wondered how long it had been lying around with you "intending" to do something about it yet rarely actually managing to get around to it.

I am not trying to be unkind or offend, but my DH is a hoarder. Always going to sort it, but never does and it can be very hard to live with. One of his projects was to make our fortune with what he named "Ebay Corner", which was in reality just a mountain of utter junk which simply sat in a corner doing nothing for over two years until the DDs and I were all thoroughly sick of the sight of it. Ultimatums came and went to no avail so in the end DD2 helped load it into my car so that we could drive it to the dump. DH was dismayed but didn't argue as he realised he had used all of his last chances up.

Some people need help with their hoarding tendencies. It can take over lives and relationships otherwise.

He may be out of order, but be honest with yourself about how long you have been taking over the job too. It cuts both ways.

[Topseyt]

DH was also a nightmare when we had to clear his mother's house for sale after she died.

I obviously had to be very tactful and careful, but I had to do the job with him as he would have kept everything, and I mean every last little bit of string, old Christmas and birthday cards going back years etc., brought it all back to our house and left us with literally no space to move.

We managed to keep it to reasonable stuff like the grandfather clock, photo albums, antique furniture and beautiful glassware. All the stuff she wanted us to have and lovely memories.

[EveryoneElsie]

Are you searching the big bin?
Are you getting outside help? It sounds like you could both benefit from it, you are not working as a team here. I'd strongly recommend CBT, and think you should both attend.

[teenytinyshells]

Thanks for the feedback. I totally see how annoying piles of junk would be, but I'm taking boot full of bin bags multiple times a week so while there is a pile, it's ever changing and not getting bigger. Most stuff goes to the charity shop, a small amount that would be better sold/given away fit in a box.

I've probably overstated the hoarding tendancies too, I just have a history of attaching sentimental feelings to silly things, and am over-optimistic about craft projects that will never happen, definitely not an episode of Hoarders next door!

EveryoneElsie - I wasn't searcihng in the bin, just emptied a wastebin on top of things that were destined for other people, not landfil. I didn't fish them out either. I can see why that would raise flags.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Can you get him to read the pages from konmarie about not chucking others stuff away.

[BreakfastAtStephanies]

No No No No No.

He must NOT do this, unless to his own stuff.

I am a mild hoarder. I would worry about what had been thrown away and would be rescuing things from the bin. I would feel unsettled and anxious.

YANBU.

[BreakfastAtStephanies]

So I'm probably not the best person to advise you. See the good replies from other PPs

[VerySlovenly]

He should not be throwing away your property! My dh is similar. He has thrown out or given away all sorts of things of mine when he "tidies up". Numerous letters and forms, my best pair of boots with expensive orthotic insoles in them, my mobile phone charger, my sunglasses (he thought they were broken as they had no lenses - the reason being they have interchangeable lenses and the lenses were in the box, which I had told him)....... All sorts of things. I am untidy but not a hoarder - but he seems to think anything of mine that isn't the kind of thing he would want is rubbish. I really hate this and have wondered if it's a control thing - punishment for leaving stuff around. This would be tolerable if he said "do you want this - if not I'll throw it away" but there is no warning.

I think you are probably near the truth when you say he thinks everything of yours is litter. More accurately he probably thinks these things are not of use (since he would not use them himself). But they are yours to get rid of or keep!

[Toadinthehole]

Tbh I have a lot of sympathy with your DH. My DW keeps letters, magazines, notes from old jobs, just about every picture the DCs have ever made, coursebooks, notes, and handouts from courses she did years ago, books she's never read, old clothes, bits and bobs (covering every available surface or stored in plastic bags on the floor and under the bed) and various other things. Old toys the children never play with are kept in bags until she "sorts" them. This typically takes 2 years. She moans at me because I like to keep the kitchen table clear unless it's being used. It would get permanently covered with stuff if I allowed it (and in the past it has). To be honest, it can be hard living in the same space as her. She doesn't understand how exhausting it can be constantly to have to move someone else's stuff when you want to do a simple thing like take a book of a shelf, or sit down, vacuum a carpet or do other housework.

[lavenderhoney]

But the op is clearing, and recycling etc. Her dh is just randomly chucking her stuff out. That's not helping is it?

He shouldn't be touching your stuff, just like you wouldn't walk into your DC rooms or your dh space and take things to bin. it's not a prison cell is it, where you're not allowed any personal items even if he doesn't deeem them important.

[sianihedgehog]

OP, while taking stuff to the recycling centre is nice, it's really not a big deal whether stuff goes there or in the bin. The toiletries for example were going to end up in the same place. The fact that a few magazines might go to landfill instead of being pulped is not a big deal. And if the badges were dirty, dusty, or faded, they would have ended up as landfill anyway.

Obviously he shouldn't be binning your stuff without asking. Talk to him about that. But these things going in the bin is not worth falling out over.

[TippyTappyLappyToppy]

Hmm, I am on the fence about this. I suspect that what is happening is that you are telling yourself you are dealing with your hoarding my endlessly sorting and categorizing things into various piles which then take an absolute age to get moved or dealt with and your DH is getting frustrated by it. Living with a hoarder is detrimental to the mental wellbeing of their family and sometimes people just snap and have to do what's best for them, even if it flies in the face of the hoarders 'rights'.

It's great to take things to the charity shop or sell them on eBay or whatever but sometimes you have to face up to the fact that if you are procrastinating for too long over doing any of those things them you are not actually moving forward, just telling yourself you are.

[Toadinthehole]

But the op is clearing, and recycling etc. Her dh is just randomly chucking her stuff out. That's not helping is it?

It depends. If the house is so jam-packed full of stuff that it can't be properly used or looked after, and things go missing, I'd say it's definitely helping.

[Jkycc]

How long had the toiletry samples been sitting around unused?

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

little unused toiletry samples, some cool sew on badges and magazines in the big bin

Those don't sound like things with any resale value, I would bin them in a declutter.

Yesterday he threw away dd swim lesson next stage form because he thought it was litter

That sounds like an honest mistake.

Sorry, I think YABU. And while I think it does sound like you're overcoming your tendency to hoard (good for you ) the insistence on nothing going to landfill makes me think you're not 100% there yet. Inevitably some of your stuff will need to be thrown away, and toiletry samples and old magazines sound like perfect examples of those. Sorry OP

What were you going to do with them?

[HarlotBronte]

Also on fence. He shouldn't just be binning your things, no, but I'm not sure you're giving us an entirely balanced account here. If you're taking a boot full of binbags once a week and you still have things like toiletry samples lying around, you must have been going some before. You sound like you're making each other worse.

[GeorgeTheThird]

Old magazines would go in the recycling wouldn't they?

Toiletry samples in the bin, yes, they're most likely out of date anyway.

[MLGs]

Yanbu. You don't throw other people's things away.

Especially as he knows you are sorting the clutter - and it sounds like you genuinely are.

I just sorted a big bag of baby type toys for charity shop and now have discovered stbxh has put in the bin. Gives me the rage as o spent time separating it from stuff that had no value and needed to go in the bin. Also thinking of other children who could have played with it.. .

He has form for this and one of the reasons (not main one) he is stbx.

[MLGs]

Also it's not environmentally friendly to put stuff that could be reused or recycled in the landfill bin.

[DolorestheNewt]

He's over-riding your wishes and in a way your beliefs/principles.... It is infuriating, they're discounting what you think and taking over.
But hoarders override the wishes and beliefs/principles of people who don't hoard and who like to live with minimal clutter and unused junk. My DH, the hoarder, discounts what I think, and takes over, literally, our shared space with his junk. Which I think makes it a delicate area for compromise, since neither side is really right.

I do throw his stuff away, but I am very careful about it and with the stuff that I'm uncertain about, I will gather it, put it in some form of box, shelve it, and tell him where it is. Now we're moving, he's going through all the boxes and, to give him his due, is chucking a lot of stuff.

Ironically, my DH constantly tells my DS that if he can't keep his room tidier, he'll just take a binbag in there and scoop up all the toys on the floor and put them in the bin. Had I applied the same principle to DH's stuff, he'd have had several conniptions.

And a pet rant, for which apologies to anyone who feels I'm preaching to the choir: I volunteered in a charity shop for a few years, and an awful lot of bags turn up at charity shops that have clearly been put together by people who are determined to polish their environmental halos and claim that they're recycling, not dumping, but who in fact have simply passed on their landfill to us to get rid of for them. A lot of the shit that arrives at charity shops simply cannot be sold. It doesn't matter how much you persuade yourself that if people are poor enough, they might want to buy a comb with three missing teeth for fivepence. Yes, DSis, I'm talking to you after that absolute fffing nightmare of clearing out Mum's flat and being forced to take absolutely everything to a charity shop and dying inside every time the volunteers smiled nicely and said thank you

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

But hoarders override the wishes and beliefs/principles of people who don't hoard and who like to live with minimal clutter and unused junk.

this her husband has rights as well.