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To put a lock on my bedroom door?

(27 Posts)
Isaintheshop Mon 28-Mar-16 10:41:41

Splitting up with Dh who is EA and FA. His control issues are such that he is refusing to engage in the process at all. Won't get a solicitor, won't talk and is ramping up the EA. Even told me my solicitor is wrong and he is right! We are married and own house outright. I don't want to have to move our 2 year old out, and I am by far and away the main carer. Dh works away half the week and from home the rest. I found out this weekend that he's been through all my stuff, had taken my laptop and copied the files etc. Long history of reading my phone - now all passwords changed but I foolishly thought we could behave like grown ups. He's sleeping in the spare riom. Would I be unreasonable to get a locksmith to put a lock on my bedroom door so I have somewhere safe to keep things while he's in the house alone. I have 2 days free though as usual have DS so don't fancy doing it myself

GabiSolis Mon 28-Mar-16 10:46:30

Personally I think YANBU but I'm not sure if there are legal implications or not so I would double check that first.

Isaintheshop Mon 28-Mar-16 10:55:22

Bloody bank holidays! Definitely wouldn't dream of touching main locks, want to make that clear

saltlakecity Mon 28-Mar-16 10:56:40

What about getting a lockable box and that way he can't moan really. You have every right to buy something.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 28-Mar-16 11:02:23

Do you have a car? I used to keep a lot of stuff in my boot, before finally managing to get out.

GabiSolis Mon 28-Mar-16 11:19:43

Thinking about it, is there a relative or friend nearby who would allow you to store important things in their spare room/garage etc? I still think YANBU re the lock, but this might be a better solution to avoid any further conflict for you.

Ilovenannyplum Mon 28-Mar-16 11:41:40

I'd be inclined to put a lock on the door but might be concerned that he'll kick off, if he's likely to go into one and make you feel unsafe then as PP said, maybe a lockable box or storing important things in your car/with friends might be a better option

Nanny0gg Mon 28-Mar-16 11:45:42

If he's given you the laptop back, take it to a computer whizz and get it checked for keyloggers and spyware. Then get them to make it secure for you.

3littlefrogs Mon 28-Mar-16 11:47:08

I was just going to say exactly the same. It is incredibly easy to install a keylogger.

Do get an expert to check your lap top.

WellErrr Mon 28-Mar-16 11:55:10

flowers for you OP, sounds awful.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 28-Mar-16 11:56:09

I kept some important stuff (eg bank docs and passport) at work, but it was a secure environment. Yy to having your laptop checked.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Mar-16 12:00:50

I'm not sure of the legal implications because I think he might be legally within his rights to bust the lock off.

You really do need legal advice tomorrow. I doubt you'd get a locksmith out today anyway.

Molehillfromamountain Mon 28-Mar-16 12:25:40

I was going to mention checking for a key logger too. When DH and his ex divorced he had to install a lock on his room, she got a lock smith...he fitted a safe...she got a locksmith, he fitted a camera and she got a letter from her solicitor asking for him to remove it. He refused and nothing came of it...apart from having video evidence of her stealing and damaging his things.
Try and find somewhere else to keep important docs of put fake paperwork in there if necessary.

fibrecruncher Mon 28-Mar-16 12:43:29

It sounds like a terrible situation for you to have to deal with. Do you think it to might be better and safer in the short term to move out? Are the police involved? Do you have some family or friends you could stay with short term?

Isaintheshop Mon 28-Mar-16 13:08:52

It's awful. Solicitor couldn't see me till next Mon due to her holiday. Good advice here though. Think I'll hold off locks for now. Car is no use, we use it as family car and dh regularly pokes through it.

ivykaty44 Mon 28-Mar-16 13:17:24

Safety deposit box po box companies?

Nanny0gg Mon 28-Mar-16 13:56:54

RE the bedroom lock, surely anyone is entitled to privacy in their own home, even within marriage?

VinoTime Mon 28-Mar-16 14:04:50

Buy a safe, OP. One small enough to put in the bottom of your wardrobe but big enough to stash a laptop, documents, passports, money, etc. Buy one that requires a key and an electronic number code. Or, you could have a look for one that requires a finger print, though I'm not sure how expensive these would be.

As for a bedroom lock - I'm not sure on the legalities. If it is technically his home as well as yours, he may have a legal right to enter any and all rooms.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Mar-16 14:05:53

Yes but you're probably not entitled to fit a lock to a door, without giving the other home owner access to the keys.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Mar-16 14:06:17

Sorry, that was to NannyOgg

Pinkheart5915 Mon 28-Mar-16 14:18:49

If you jointly own the house then yes you can put a lock on Your bedroom door.
with the emotional abuse going on I'd say you've got more grounds for it that most.

Best to mention to a solicitor though.

Could you use a lockable box in the mean time?

howmanyairmiles Mon 28-Mar-16 15:44:50

I would double up and fit a lock to the door and get a lock box.
They aren't infallible though, I had forgotten the code and the whereabouts of the key to one of mine. It took me less than 2 minutes to open it up.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 28-Mar-16 17:28:56

If you can't keep your passport, driving licence, banking docs etc at work, can you keep them at a friend's?

Look into your (and his) rights regarding access to any joint accounts, too. Don't let him empty them, basically. I'm sure someone more knowledgeable could comment (and I imagine Women's Aid etc would have advice on their websites) but would it be wise to contact your bank, for example?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It might not seem like it now, but with a home owned outright and being married, you should be in a good position to break away. I earn too much to qualify for any housing help, we weren't married, and the house was entirely in ex's name. But I'm doing alright now. Never been better, in fact. Chin up, kidder smile

luciole15 Mon 28-Mar-16 17:53:00

I got a storage trunk in a similar situation -

Does sound like your ex might break into similar though.

Isaintheshop Wed 30-Mar-16 10:52:40

Cheers lovelies. I;ve got some moral support going, and only 5 more days before seeing my solicitor again. Haven't done anything about lock on door. Fucking bring it on you arse STBXDH.

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