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Is it unfair to FF one baby and then breastfeed the next..?

(52 Posts)
ExpressTrainComingThrough Mon 28-Mar-16 01:58:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 28-Mar-16 02:26:20

I understand what you mean-I personally don't think that it would be unfair on your DD to bf dc2. Circumstances prevented you from bf her but they (probably) won't this time so why wouldn't you give it a go? It sounds to me like you are taking more responsibility for what happened with your EMCS than you should be-it wasn't your fault and you did the best you could afterwards. flowers

OfaFrenchmind2 Mon 28-Mar-16 02:28:52

Your first daughter benefited from very good bonding moments while feeding with both her parents, which does not happen with breast-feeding. You did not short-change her at all.
Ultimately, whether FF or BF, both your children will be fed, with love and attention, and that all there is. FF or BF, but don't over-think it!
This bonding crap is ridiculous, and the unfortunate brainchild of both Internet (facebook) meme, and the overly invasive opinions of child psychologists that need to justify their relevance.

SoThatHappened Mon 28-Mar-16 02:28:59

My elder sibling was the one with the traumatic birth and emergency CS. I was the normal VBAC and no trauma or problems at all.

Throughout my life I always felt my mother favoured my elder sibling and kept being reminded when she was favoured over me, I got yes, but she nearly died and so did I and she was always needing extra reassurance from me.....hmm

Hard to explain for me too. But I felt I was less close to my DM as a result.

I wish I hadnt been told as I dont give a toss now who was born how or who was fed what and your children wont either or remember.

They wont remember, the parents do. Be careful what YOU project on to the situation.

NotMyRealName2015 Mon 28-Mar-16 02:30:27

In the nicest possible way YAB totally UR. smile

I exclusively FF my first DC. DC2 I BF for a grand total of 3 weeks before turning back to FF. Dtwins I FF. All are very happy and healthy DC. None of them have an idea how they were fed.

My DSis and I were FF and managed fine. However you choose to feed your DC is your choice, and as long as they are being fed you have nothing to feel guilty about. In 5 /10/40 years your DC will not give a shitwink

Good luck with the birth, and new DC whatever you decide!

InionEile Mon 28-Mar-16 02:31:32

I did this. My labour and birth with DS were pretty awful and he had a terrible latch. We struggled along with mixed feeding for about 6 weeks but then he was FF only after that. My DD was much easier, had an easier labour, much better latch from the beginning and I was more determined to EBF too because I hadn't really liked FF. I breastfed her for 13 months total.

It did weigh on my conscience a little that maybe I hadn't tried hard enough with DS but he is fine and healthy and actually skinny for his age, none of the worries about obesity that are put out there. I honestly see no difference between the health of the two DC.

I would do what works and not put yourself under pressure either way.

steff13 Mon 28-Mar-16 02:32:38

I was FF, my brother was BF. We're both intelligent, we're both healthy, we both had good bonds with our parents. There's not difference that I can see. If you want to BF your second baby, go for it.

Canyouforgiveher Mon 28-Mar-16 02:49:43

In the nicest possible way YAB totally UR. smile


Honestly, every child is different. I fed them all differently based on my situation/their needs. they are now in their teens and they have no idea who breastfed for longer or whatever.

SoThatHappened Mon 28-Mar-16 02:55:35

Also your first child has had a major advantage over an subsequent child: both of her parents undivided attention. Only the first born gets that advantage with bonding. Swings and roundabouts.....

redcaryellowcar Mon 28-Mar-16 03:33:54

I don't think you need to think of the fairness to either children particularly, I would however say that I bf my two (not a total walk in the park) but so much more convenient than stopping to make up bottles and carrying around formula, and cheaper too. Maybe justify that it would be far easier (once established) to bf as more time with dd and a more easily portable dc2, so you can carry on with playgroups etc with dd1 and not have to carry about and prepare lots of feeding kit?

BreakfastLunchPasta Mon 28-Mar-16 03:47:47

YABU smile

Do what you want. I breastfed all mine, because it felt like the normal thing to do for me (due to the culture I grew up in etc), but I only breastfed dd1 for 5 months due to being unsupported and other circumstances beyond my control, but fed my 2nd DC for 10 months, and the third for 14. So, not 'fair' but did my best and what was right for me and the DC at the time, definitely.

JellyTipisthebest Mon 28-Mar-16 04:00:37

my first was bf for about 14 days then ff. Second one bf. Both are now healthy. Second child did have a lactose and gluten intolerance and both followed the same weight gain curve.
Just feed your baby they way that works for your family. As long as baby is fed then all is good

Italiangreyhound Mon 28-Mar-16 04:05:46

I breastfed my dd and could not breastfeed my son because he is adopted! I love them both. Breast feeding has known benefits, if you feel you can do it for your next child then do, if not, then don't. In other respects treat them equally and I really do not think they will feel affected by it.

Despite being my birth child and breast fed by me , it is my dd who is less secure in my love, because of the person she is! You can't always win!

So just do the best for them both and be as fair as you can be with your time, love and attention.

CONGRATULATIONS and good luck.

puglife15 Mon 28-Mar-16 04:06:48

YABU but I get it. I EBFed DS1 and feel like I "owe" it to DS2 to feed him for the same length of time and not use formula, even though I know that's utterly ridiculous.

For what it's worth, there is absolutely no difference to the bond I've seen between any of my friends and their children based on how they fed them...

At the same time DS1 is extremely close to DH, and is a real daddy's boy - 18 months of BF didn't get in the way of that.

SerenityReynolds Mon 28-Mar-16 04:27:39

I was ff, my sisters were bf. Out of the 4 of us, I am definitely the healthiest (ill less often, recover quicker, no allergies). We all have bachelor degrees and professional careers. And are all equally close to both parents. I think forming a close bond is much more about generally being attentive and responsive to your child, rather than how you feed them. For that reason, I wouldn't base your decision on your DH wanting to do a few feeds (it's still possible if you express occasionally).

I do understand your feelings of wanting to be fair to each child, I'm the same with my 2. Have had to remind myself though, that to meet BOTH their needs, that may not be possible.

HairyBoob Mon 28-Mar-16 04:32:39

I FF DS1 after a breastfeeding disaster. I managed four days of BF with him. He's now a healthy, happy and generally amazing 5yo.

As I type this I'm BFing two month old DS2. It's been a breeze feeding him.

I have no guilt; I'm a mum feeding my babies. They're both warm, fed and loved and that's all that matters. It's barely crossed my mind that I fed one differently from the other. smile

figureofspeech Mon 28-Mar-16 07:10:14

My Ds was born very prematurely so was formula fed via an NG tube for 10 months as I couldn't produce enough milk. I didn't feel any guilt because it was the right decision for the situation at the time, he was born too early before my milk hormones could properly kick in.

I breastfed my daughter until she was 2 and that worked for the both of us, I think I overcompensated for not being able to breastfeed my son.

The most important thing is as long as you are happy with your feeding choices then baby will be too. Sometimes life takes over and you can't do what you wanted to do but you adapt like I did with my ds and he's a happy little boy now.

Keeptrudging Mon 28-Mar-16 07:19:30

DS was FF, I was not in a happy place when I had him (bad relationship), plus I was returning to University when he was 5 weeks old so it all seemed impossible. DD was BF for 10 months. She was very poorly/special nursery when she was born, the first time I got to hold her properly was to breastfeed her at 5 days old. It seemed really important to breastfeed her, it was the one thing I could do for her to try to make her better. Both DCs are really healthy, YANBU to do different things with yours, it's about what works for you at the time.

timetomoveon Mon 28-Mar-16 07:20:34

I had a traumatic birth with ds1 and only ever ff him.
Ds2 was bf until after 2 years old.

I did feel guilty to start with and there was part of me at the beginning that was determined to persevere bf to prove (to myself, I think) that I could do it. We (ds2 and I) have a great bond and despite the early years and the PTSD which I ended up with, so do ds1 and I.

Do it! And don't feel guilty. You feed your child however you can at the time. And if the bf doesn't work then you switch to ff.

CoffeeAndOranges Mon 28-Mar-16 07:56:54

A large part of your choice as to how you end up feeding your child has to be what is best for you as parents as well as what is best for the baby. I had what sounds like a very similar time to you in labour/birth and really struggled in the early days with breastfeeding. I battled on and and am still managing it 4 months in, although it has not been easy. Without being overly dramatic, bf issues probably contributed to my mental state being all over the place in the 2 months after birth (and still to some extent). I totally understand and respect anyone who went through similar and decided to move to formula. It shouldn't be about 'breastfeeding at all costs' when one of the costs is mum's mental and often physical health. That is not good for the baby either. Obviously I'm not saying it would be like that for everyone but I'm sure many women end up obsessed and miserable over bf, as I was for quite a while.

I do wonder how many of the 'breast is best' mafia actually were ft themselves and have been in excellent health their whole lives and have a strong relationship with their own mothers. I am one (well not part of the mafia anyway!) - bf for 3 months then ff. Always in good health, and no bonding issues with my mum at all smile

I think you will be a great mum however you feed your baby - breast milk contains many amazing things but it doesn't contain your love!

minifingerz Mon 28-Mar-16 08:07:16

Just do the best you can for your second dc with what you know and the emotional and physical resources you have at your disposal at the time, as you did with your first. That's all any of us can do for our children.

SayAGreatBigThankyou Mon 28-Mar-16 08:08:47

DC1 was Bf for 10 days, DC2 for nearly 2 years. It worked with one of them and not the other, simple as that. I didn't feel guilty - both children had milk and were fed!

Weirdly/Annoyingly, DC2 is the one who has been in hospital for asthma, has exzcema, chest infections every winter. DC1 (touch wood) has hardly had as much as a sniffle grin. I know this is just anecdata, but it pissed me off made me laugh...

Only downside is having to do all the nightwakings as DC2 was as stubborn about bottles as DC1 was about boobs!

Believeitornot Mon 28-Mar-16 08:12:06


For the all the reasons stated. I'd be a bit hmm at your dh though. You can bond with your DCs not just through feeding! So I would be very careful not to put any "blame" on how he bonds with the second baby if you choose to BF.

I struggled to BF my first but managed for two years and found it easier with my second and fed her for nearly three. I don't really think about it now they're older. We bonded in many others ways and continue to do so as they grow older!

RoseDeWittBukater Mon 28-Mar-16 08:14:38

I have 4 children and only the very youngest was BF, all three elder ones were quite happily FF by our choice. DC4 is now 2.5 and the bond between us is no different/stronger than I have with DCs1-3 and she shows no sign at all of having been fed differently.
Do whatever you want, doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, but don't let the bond concern put you off, it probably won't even come into it at all.

VashtaNerada Mon 28-Mar-16 08:15:56

YANBU to think about what roles you and DH will play, and for that to be factored into your decision.
YABU to think that BF necessarily means better bonding! I still remember giving DS his first bottle (after weeks of pain due to undiagnosed tongue-tie). It was a very special moment where I felt really close to him. You can have a lovely close bond with formula (if you choose that). I say go with BF if that's your instinct and don't overthink it.

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