AIBU to be so angry at DH over porn lies

(64 Posts)
Piratepete1 Sun 27-Mar-16 21:22:12

I could really do with some advice and maybe some perspective here.

DH and I have been happily married for 7 years and have 2 small DC. From the beginning our sex life was always ok, never fireworks and particularly adventurous but nice enough. However, since years trying to conceive, clinical sex during infertility and then 2 very difficult babies our sex life dwindled away to hardly anything as we were too knackered.

I've always known that DH liked porn and it was something that never really bothered me as long as he didn't rub my face in it. He was always very discrete and it didn't affect out sex life. I will admit that my feelings towards porn changed when we had our daughter as I now see it as someone's child being exploited and it doesn't sit very well with me. DH was aware of my changing feelings but doesn't see it the same way. I felt that it was unfair of me to suddenly say 'no porn' when I knew he enjoyed it when we got together so again I tolerated him using it discretely.

Things came to a head a while ago when he started becoming very protective of his phone. I naturally became suspicious and was concerned he was having an affair, despite him not really being the type to do this I don't think. I got hold of his phone to have a look. His browsing history was absolutely shocking- there was so much porn and so often. Nothing illegal or particularly nasty porn but a hell of a lot. Every time I left the house he must have been straight on the Internet. I confronted him, he apologised and cried and admitted he was addicted to porn. He agreed to cut down and things improved for a while. With his agreement I put the router porn blockers on and he has a mobile phone which is on my account so parental controls have not been taken off. He has been telling me he hasn't looked at porn since but our sex life hasn't improved. He never really wants sex and, when we do it he can't maintain an erection for long and certainly never finishes.

Today I walked into the lounge unexpected. He jumped out of his skin and turned his iPad off quicker than the speed of light, looking very guilty. I asked him what he was hiding from me and he made up about 3 ridiculous stories about nonsense in Facebook. I didn't believe him. We had an almighty row and he admitted he had downloaded a virtual private network to get around the porn filters and I had walked in on him getting is rocks off. Again he was very apologetic, says he is addicted and thinks he has a problem with getting it up and needs viagra. I think all these problems stem from the porn and he needs to treat it as any other addiction by cutting it out of his life forever.

I don't know where to go from here. I am so angry and disgusted by him at the moment. I just think he is pathetic and I feel I have lost all respect for him today. He is over 40 with 2 kids for gods sake and needs to grow up.

I've told him we need a break and he needs to go and stay at his moms for a bit. I don't know where to go from here.

katemiddletonsothermum Sun 27-Mar-16 21:47:49

LTB.

WonderingAspie Sun 27-Mar-16 21:54:44

The thing is with any addiction, he has to want to give it up. Obviously his problems with sex with you stem from his use of porn.

What did he say when you said you wanted a break?

I have no idea how you deal with a porn addiction but some sort of sexual could selling may be useful if he wants to show you he is serious. I wouldn't trust him to just go cold turkey.

Piratepete1 Sun 27-Mar-16 21:56:37

He says he doesn't want a break and will stop but I've heard it all before. I do not trust him to stop and other than treating him like a naughty school boy and locking all his tech away I can't really stop him. That's not exactly the way to a happy and respectful marriage.

imeatingthechocolate Sun 27-Mar-16 21:58:19

im sorry i don't believe in porn/sex addiction i think it's an excuse

and he is treating you pretty shabby by the way

BoopTheSnoot Sun 27-Mar-16 22:00:26

Addiction is a funny thing. And very tricky to beat without any help. Given the knock-on effect it's having on your relationship, maybe some marriage counselling would be helpful to you both?

mortgagefreesoon5 Sun 27-Mar-16 22:13:53

Porn is so easily available these days! And yes, I do believe one can get addicted to it, and it can be detrimental on a real life relationship, when they try to copy what they have seen on the screen, expecting to relive what happens on the films, acting out what they see etc.
You can get help for this addiction, I would start with your gp who can refer you to the right person, I hope I am mistaken but I think porn addiction is going to be an increasing problem in our society.
He knows he's got a problem, that is the first step to get it sorted

Piratepete1 Sun 27-Mar-16 22:49:36

I've just told him I want to separate and I really do. I just feel so awful for the children. They don't deserve this. I am so angry at him for putting them through this.

WonderingAspie Sun 27-Mar-16 23:31:11

Oh no, flowers. Sorry you are having to go through this.

Would you want to say with him I'd he got professional help? It could be a wake up call. Or if you just aren't interested then better to get it all over with sooner rather than dragging it out.

Oooblimey Sun 27-Mar-16 23:41:39

Ok, at the risk of outing myself, I work in a digital forensics department downloading mobile phones for police investigations. I was clearly very naive when I started doing this as I can guarantee that I'd say 98% of phones have porn on them. Whether it's pictures, videos or evident in browsing history. The users often think it's hidden or deleted but it all comes back. I'd say 70% of men's phone have A LOT of porn on. When I look at time lines the man can be having a completely innocent text conversation with someone but between texts be looking at all sorts! It's really challenged my attitude as I now assume that all men are a bit pervy! When we find phones with no porn on, that is alarming!!

Agadooo Sun 27-Mar-16 23:43:07

You say you've been happily married for 7 years and you now want to separate because he feels addicted to porn? Seems a bit OTT to leave a happy marriage and 2 young DC over it-surely a heart to heart conversation, marriage counselling, sex therapist or some one to talk to about how to best move forwards together-rather than separating because of porn??? Surely??

BestZebbie Sun 27-Mar-16 23:44:27

Did he actually go to his parent's house, or to a hotel - what did his parents say when he explained what was happening and why he was suddenly there?

Oooblimey Sun 27-Mar-16 23:45:29

Posted before I meant too...!

Also, I can guarantee you that police have absolutely no interest in a persons dirty pics or what ever when looking through a phone download, they are only concerned with evidence. To digital examiners seeing porn and naked pictures of wives etc is like a baker looking at bread. It's just the day job.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Mar-16 23:46:57

I am well on my way to be being a millionaire now

if I had a tenner for every time someone said, I never used to have a problem with porn......

HelenaDove Sun 27-Mar-16 23:47:01

Why the fuck has the OP got to go to marriage counselling because of HIS addiction to porn.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Mar-16 23:50:29

Are you sure your lack of sex life is down to him watching porn and being unable to keep an erection?

It's possible he's using the porn to try to 'rectify' his situation.

Either way, he may or may not be addicted. I'm not sure him viewing a lot of porn and often, automatically makes him an addict.

Perhaps he allowed you to do the controls thing because he felt embarrassed?

Either way, if you've been happily married up until this point, it might be worth working on but only you know if you want to do that.

Piratepete1 Sun 27-Mar-16 23:52:43

Had I known about his porn addiction I probably wouldn't have got involved with him but he kept it pretty secret and I had no reason not to trust him. I only found out about 2 years into our marriage and at that point I was fairly tolerant. It's not something I particularly like but if it didn't affect our relationship and I didn't have to see it then I could live with it. However, now it is out of control, we have no sex life as he cant even get it up anymore and it is affecting our relationship massively.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Mar-16 23:54:38

If he has erectile dysfunction, perhaps he needs to see his GP?

It sounds as though he might be trying to 'fix it' himself with porn.

Piratepete1 Sun 27-Mar-16 23:56:23

I admit I haven't been up for sex a great deal since we had the children, mainly due to tiredness and he doesn't pull his weight enough around the house. But then he hasn't really showed any interest in it either so I guess we're both to blame on that score. We did have a weekend away a few weeks ago. We had pretty unsuccessful sex and made a pact to spend more time together and try to have a romantic night at least once a week. I have made hints towards this on at least 3 occasions since and he has been either too tired, not feeling well or put it off in some way.

Piratepete1 Sun 27-Mar-16 23:59:00

He has mentioned in our argument that he thinks he has ED and uses porn to it. I did respond angrily that it will just make the problem worth so we didn't have any sort of civil discussion over it. It may be the case as he has low testosterone but does have injections to keep it at normal levels. Maybe this affects something. I don't know. He has said he will go to the GP and tell him everything.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Mar-16 23:59:13

Do you think he could be persuaded to see his GP about his erection problems?

If he can sort that out, you may see a huge difference in his porn usage.

Piratepete1 Mon 28-Mar-16 00:00:33

Yes he has said he will go so maybe that's a good sign.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Mar-16 00:01:06

X posted.

He actually has to have testosterone injections?

Personally I would try to persuade him to see his GP about his erectile dysfunction and offer to go with him to support him.

HelenaDove Mon 28-Mar-16 00:02:30

By keeping his penchant for porn secret initially he deceived you into thinking he was someone he wasnt.

Not surprised to learn he sees childcare and housework as womens work either.

Piratepete1 Mon 28-Mar-16 00:03:05

His low testosterone was discovered during tests for infertility and can cause osteoporosis in men so he has 3 monthly
Injections.

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