MIL nightmare(70 Posts)
I've always had a great relationship with MIL even though DH has a fractious relationship to say the least (she can be very difficult).
Since DS has been born things have taken a turn for the worse. I want my DS to have a great relationship with all of his grandparents but she is really overbearing and intense.
I won't go into all of the issues but one is that she is telling everyone that she hardly sees us- I make the effort to see her twice a week a lot of the time without DH. She also refuses to acknowledge me as 'mummy' to my DS when I am with her and uses terms like 'milk machine' and tells me my DS only recognises me as food (DS is 6 months so clearly not the case), she also 'accidentally' calls herself mummy all the time to my DS. I know this must be hard as she's always been the mother and not grandmother.
She is telling all in sundry that I've got PND (I don't) and that I'm really struggling as a new mother (I'm not). Yesterday we went for lunch and she completely ignored me, took my DS for the whole time, refused to let me see him and didn't speak to me the whole time.
AIBU to not want to see her? I am happy for DH to take DC as I would never stop her seeing her DGC but I'm done making all of the effort to have it thrown in my face.
I would not see this woman. I wouldn't be that keen about my child spending time with her either really. Why on earth does your DH not speak to her about her behaviour?
Totally not U to text her and say "I find your recent behaviour incredibly rude and overbearing, until you can resume some kind of normal Grandparent behaviour we won't be visiting again" and keep yourself too busy for her to drop by.
I love my MIL but she was a little like this when DS2 was born (DS1 is from a previous relationship, so she wasn't about during his early years). She had a ridiculous amount of opinions and decisions she refused to consult me on. DH was spineless with her so I called her out on it and said how unhappy she was making me, and that either it stopped or she'd have to not spend time with DS2. She took her head out of her arse and is much, much better now. I think your good manners have so far stopped you from standing up to her. It's time to do it.
She took your child from you and wouldn't let you see him?.
I'd go fucking nuclear.
Everyone pussy foots around her as she can be very difficult. DH is always on my side and tells me not to bother seeing her but I want my DS to know his grandparents. Plus, I really don't like conflict and I know refusing to see her will cause a lot of conflict.
My own mum was like this a lot when dd was first born. All I can say is you have 2 choices.
1) suck it up and say nothing and then vent here
2) confront her head on about it in as nice a way as possible. This obviously holds risks of her getting worse but is the option I would recommend.
Yanbu - that is terrible behaviour on her part. I can't believe she is telling people that you are struggling when you're not? What is her motivation for that? It sounds like she is completely trying to undermine you and your role at every turn. I would be distancing myself and making sure that DH has a word with her.
How do these fucking dreadful people get like this, and why must a normal person like you have to put up with it?
by not confronting her she will remain enabled to carry on this behaviour which is NOT normal! Call her out like y would a bully, you had all the cards here with DS so make that known!
The thing is even if you really don't enjoy conflict there will be times in your DS' life when you have no choice but to front up to stuff in order to sort it out. This is one of those times. If your DH already has your back you're stronger than you realise; you know you're doing ok, you know she's the one acting badly. A text or a letter is often easier than confronting someone face to face when panic can set in.
Your DH is backing you up. Take the opportunity and back off. If she asks why, get DH to let her know that her behaviour isn't appropriate but you will all be delighted to see her when is ready to come and be a grandma.
I agree with PP.
Stop seeing her and if she ever takes your child off you again.....dam well take him back.
You are in a enviable position where you do actually have the backing of your DH.
Having a relationship with your DS is a privilege and not a right on her part.....very very tight boundaries are needed.
Your son does not need a woman like this in his life. Your husband knows what his mother is like and is distant for a reason. I'd follow his lead.
She is definitely trying to undermine me, so much so that I've began questioning myself on my mothering abilities. DH is amazing and tells me I'm a wonderful mother which is fantastic but his mother is killing me.
I know I need to address this....
Don't put up with it.
I put up with overbearing behaviour (not nearly as bad but draining nonetheless) until the resentment built up to cracking point and now our relationship is broken. She was unaware and probably thinks I'm the unreasonable one for cracking.
So, heed the advice here and act now.
Interesting first post. Who do you think would tell you that you ABU I wonder?
Of course you want your DS to know his grandparents - this is because you come from a normal family and therefore only know what normal parents and normal grandparents are like.
Your DH doesn't come from a normal family. It is a great gift to your marriage that he knows this and doesn't want to replicate the relationships he had - you only need to look at all the other MIL threads to see where that gets you.
Listen to your DH. Sadly you can't have the grandparent relationships of your dreams with the ILs you have got. If she is too toxic for you, she is too toxic for your kids. If her own son tells you not to bother seeing her, it's a big clue she's not worth seeing.
"she calls you a milk machine"!!!!!!! That is incredibly offensive!!! She needs to be called out on that for one thing!
Look - you keep saying that you do not want to stand in the way of a relationship between your MIL and child, but your first and only responsibility in this situation is to protect your child from negative influences.
Your MIL is attempting to undermine your confidence, your reputation and your relationship with your child. This is manipulative and, quite frankly, verging on psychopathy! Calling herself "Mummy", refusing to give you back your child when you ask and lying about your mental health are all very worrying signs and why you would want her to have anything to do with your child is utterly beyond me.
Your child deserves better than to have this woman damaging her childhood with her bizarre behaviour.
Stop seeing her and more importantly stop her from spending time with your child.
The grabbiness with your baby makes her sound insufferable. The spreading of rumours that you've got PND and aren't coping is unhinged.
I would try and learn an assertive 'no' in her presence. If she calls herself 'mummy' or you a 'milk machine', just say 'no' and leave the room with your baby.
You seem to be making such an effort for her, OP. You sound lovely and calm. But your MIL needs to be to be told, one way or another.
Like I said previously, stop going around to see her. This would put a stop to all the i'm his mummy...you are the milk machine, you have PND...you can't cope.
Her behaviour isn't healthy...its batshit.
Your DH has the measure of her
has had a lifetime of it, so start to take his lead.
Interesting first post
Op sounds very similar to a poster, who had similar 'ishoos' with her mil the other week (but put up other controversial posts). That op got slated, so she asked mnhq to delete (which they did) and she name changed
so she could reinvent herself
This is my first ever post- I guess I just wanted to know I haven't gone completely insane. I know I have to address it and perhaps I was being cowardly to say I just don't want to see her? I don't know. I think she is making me lose my confidence as there is always a dig.
OP I think it's about time you started supporting your husband on his stand with MIL. You appear to have good intentions but are probably making things very difficult for him.
He clearly recognises she is toxic but you don't seem to want to believe it. Only you can know why that is.
I would stay well away from her. In fact I would have no contact with her whatsoever. Why do you give a shit if she gets upset about it? How will it cause conflict if you aren't seeing her and DH isn't bothered either?
Can you move far far away?
That's what I did
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