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Am i a bad friend because i don't want to hear my friend bitch about her lazy boyfriend she will never leave?

(33 Posts)
Dommylee Sun 27-Mar-16 04:10:25

Writing this because its 4 am and again i have been woken up to another 7 whatsapp messages.
Shes been with him on and off for 11 years, she is 26 now. He cheated on her when she was 18 but she got back with him and a few years later had a baby with him.
He does not do anything she claims to look after her daughter besides money, they live together and he pays his way but he always stays out clubbing or goes out with his mates or goes on holiday and when he is in he is smoking weed or playing xbox. He is 30.
She is always messaging me about how 'she wants a new boyfriend' and 'he is always out' but she wont leave him. I don't tell her to leave him because its not my business but i am getting bored of her bitching about it.

The thing is she never wants to come out or go on holiday or do anything without him, she will come around to mine and we might go to dinner or something but she wont come clubbing or anything girls in their 20's are meant to do. I think this is why she is resenting him because she wants to stay glued to him 24/7 whilst he actually wants to enjoy life and just because you have a baby doesn't mean you cant do that once in a while.

I had another friend who i knew since school like this and she complained about her BF 24/7 but this guy really treated her badly she was not allowed to even go anywhere i could only visit her at her house and even then he would moan about it. I got sick of it and cut her off it was like i was having an affair with her.

I don't want to cut of the above friend but its getting on my nerves now, I left my child's father because i was not happy with him and obviously others do so I don't understand girls like the above.
I know i probably sound really un-supportive but imagine hearing this for YEARS about how shit he is, if you are unhappy just leave, they are not married!

AIBU? Harsh?

BillSykesDog Sun 27-Mar-16 04:27:11

I can completely understand why you are fed up of hearing her moan about him constantly but not do anything about it. But at the same time, you can't make her leave if she doesn't want to or won't. I think you would be completely within your rights to tell her that you are fed up of hearing her moan about it all the time then do nothing. But only in the sense of asking her to stop talking to you about it, not of telling her to leave. Especially when you know she won't.

Her not wanting to go clubbing is a separate issue. Quite a few people, even in their 20s, don't like clubbing and don't want to do it. Especially if you have children because kids and hangovers don't mix. She's not doing anything wrong by not going clubbing.

TippyTappyLappyToppy Sun 27-Mar-16 04:54:57

I would be telling her to quit it with the non emergency 4am Whatsapp messages. You are not her personal 24 hour counselling line and you need to sleep. She sounds like a bit of a narc.

Inkanta Sun 27-Mar-16 04:59:08

That's bad - 7 messages at 4am! I'd stop that.

Moving15 Sun 27-Mar-16 06:06:38

Letting off steam to her friend is probably what helps her cope with her situation. Without that support she might become depressed or very lonely. If he really is that hopeless there may be an element of abusive behaviour in that relationship and it is not as simple as telling him to leave or leaving him.
Perhaps you should change the way you respond to her without becoming judgemental or telling her to bore off.

curren Sun 27-Mar-16 06:56:57

It's a difficult one. As a friend you want to be there to support your friend.

But also it does get grating. I don't believe you should allow to continue incase she gets depressed. Quite honestly if I was getting woken up at 4am it wouldn't be good for my mental health. Her constant moaning wouldn't be great for me either.

Sometimes you do have to pick between what you can live with and a friend. If it's really getting to the point you can't take it anymore it's not wrong to put some distance between you.

Personally I would ask her the question before you do that. Ask her why she doesn't leave him if she I so unhappy. She may say something that shocks you and you realise she needs more support and understand her better. May be not.

Don't ask her when you are annoyed, or it will come across as flippant.

I had a friend who was the same. Every Time we went out, the evening be was dominated by how crap her dh was. When someone finally told her to leave him we got 'leave him, he isn't that bad'.

I don't see her anymore. She moaned so much no one else got a chance to talk, she never asked about anyone else. It all revolved her around her and wether her dh had emptied the dishwasher.

JuxtapositionRecords Sun 27-Mar-16 07:52:59

Does she return the support for you, can you talk to her, is she there when you need her?

Queenbean Sun 27-Mar-16 07:57:29

I don't think you can have a go about it as she'll likely cut you out rather than her partner. But I sympathise with it, negative moany people are a pain in the arse

Why are you responding to 4am messages? Turn your phone to airplane mode at night and don't respond to her messages until you can

OTheHugeManatee Sun 27-Mar-16 08:01:55

Some sympathy for your frustration at people who whinge about their partners but refuse to take control of the situation.

But you lost me when you talked about ditching your friend who was in an abusive relationship because hearing her moan annoyed you hmm

Footle Sun 27-Mar-16 08:12:27

Why don't you put your phone on silent at night ? That would be a start.

MammaTJ Sun 27-Mar-16 08:33:14

I had another friend who i knew since school like this and she complained about her BF 24/7 but this guy really treated her badly she was not allowed to even go anywhere i could only visit her at her house and even then he would moan about it. I got sick of it and cut her off it was like i was having an affair with her.

You dumped friend stuck in an abusive relationship because you got sick of it. I do hope that poor woman found a real friend and support to leave.

I also sincerely hope you never come to find out for yourself how hard it can be to leave a truly abusive relationship!

You sound so totally lacking in empathy, I am surprised you have any friends at all. So, do your friend a favour and tell her how much it annoys you that she reaches out to you for support, let her then dump you and find nicer friends.

JolseBaby Sun 27-Mar-16 08:40:39

I was friendly with someone a couple of years ago, who was very nice but had a very dramatic love life. I ended up taking a big step back from her - and then when she moved away I didn't keep in touch.

Lovely lady, but a complete drama llama who could not be without a bloke - and the blokes that she picked were complete losers. There were so many times where she ended up getting the Police round because the latest one was violent or refused to leave. Every relationship was 'the One' then she would be 'heartbroken' when it went tits up, until about 48 hrs later when she would be with someone else.

After being asked for advice and support - and giving it - I realised that she enjoyed the drama of it and that there was no point in me trying to support her, because nothing would change. It all came to a head when I waved her off on a blind date on Friday and she reappeared on Sunday, telling me that they were in love, soulmates and that they'd spent Saturday looking at rentals together because they were going to move in with each other!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have Groundhog Day over and over again. First thing is to sit down and have a talk with her. Ask her gently if she realises that she has been saying the same thing about him over and over again for all these years. Tell her that if she wants to change things and leave him then you can help and support her with that. If she's not prepared to discuss it, then you need to have a think about the future of your friendship and how close you are. If you aren't happy being texted at 4am (I wouldn't!) then you are probably going to have to take a step back.

TippyTappyLappyToppy Sun 27-Mar-16 09:01:23

To be honest if you have to rely on a really close friend for constant support to get through your relationship then it's clearly a shit relationship. Why people can't see this is beyond me.

Hissy Sun 27-Mar-16 09:21:19

She's dumb enough to put herself through that.

And you can't work out Airplane mode.

tobysmum77 Sun 27-Mar-16 09:37:58

I think yanbu. Personally I would tell her what I thought, then whenever she brought it up change the subject. Most women have had a friend like this at some point, the friendship becomes one sided and you wonder what you are getting out of it.

OooLookShoes Sun 27-Mar-16 09:38:17

I think there's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. I also think the op was well within her rights to decide she couldn't continue to support the friend in an abusive relationship. It's OK not to be someone's. Counsellor and life coach if you don't want to. Yes it's great to support people, but we don't HAVE to. Especially if the cost is our own wellbeing and mental health.

There's a huge societal expectation that women are somehow responsible for the emotional wellbeing of those around them. Sometimes we do have to say 'this is not my problem and for that reason, I'm out'

OP I think I'd have a stern word with your mate, no messages after 11pm, or else she'll be blocked.

That said, people often need to work themselves up do dumping a twat. One of my mates was that friend, she'd have a huge moan about how crap he was every time we met up. For years. I set boundaries in that I wouldn't accept late night messages or calls, and that was for ages. Then one day she just chucked him out and changed the locks. No real incident triggered it, It just took a lot of working up to.

Missrubyring Sun 27-Mar-16 09:58:28

You dumped friend stuck in an abusive relationship becauseyou got sick of it. I do hope that poor woman found a real friend and support to leave.

You cut this friend off, when she really needed you, which is probably what her BF was trying to achieve, so I think YABU there.
But YANBU about your other friend messaging you at 4am. I'd set some boundaries, but not cut them off and maybe have a talk with her about what you're thinking/ feeling.

Dommylee Sun 27-Mar-16 15:36:54

I understand why some of you think i am a bitch for ditching my friend who was in an abusive relationship but it isnt as black and white as that.
She had been in two other abusive relationships before and i was there for her for both of them, one of these men including her one now were racist. They didnt like me because i dated black men. It turned her racist she would tell me ironically how black men are abusive and i shouldnt date them. She also made comments about her mixed cousins being 'half breeds'
considering my dad is mixedrace i dont know why she thought it was acceptable to say this to me but i believed it was her boyfriend brainwashing her and turning her racist since i had known her since school which is why i went on for years talking to her hoping she would leave him and be 'normal' again.
She also was not there for me when i broke up with my childs dad but i forgave her because i believed it was her boyfriend banning her.
I suppose i couldnt accept she had changed and she did not want to because i did often say to her just leave him he is holding you back and you can do better which she would then go and tell him and then he would ban her from seeing me.

I really did love this girl i had known her since i was 11 but I just stopped calling her and she me then i ended up changing my number around 7 months later.

Dommylee Sun 27-Mar-16 15:42:14

and why i dont turn my phone off at night is because i use to do this and when my uncle went into hospital early morning from a heart attack i could not be contacted as my phone was off. I dont turn my phone off at night anymore or put it on silent because of emergency.

OneLove10 Sun 27-Mar-16 15:43:45

Yanbu, she sounds emotionally draining and Won't do anything to help her situation yet complain. I wouldn't put up with that either.

hollyisalovelyname Sun 27-Mar-16 16:08:07

'I don't tell her to leave him because it's not my business'
OP she is making it your business by texting you at 4 am - how many times?
Tell her to leave him the next time she moans.
Perhaps that is just what she needs - somebody to give her a push. Somebody she can rely on.
Tell her you did it and she can too.

queenoftheuniverse Sun 27-Mar-16 16:11:43

oh god i have a couple of friends like this

just so infuriating

just LEAVE the twats fgs i want to scream but no point as they never will

Hissy Sun 27-Mar-16 16:11:55

You don't need to be contacted overnight about an uncle. There are others that can and need to be notified. If anyone needed you and you only in a proper emergency, they'd come round.

Switch OFF! You don't need to be contacted 24 hours a day.

Don't feel guilty about your friend, she has to be the one to wake up.its not fair that she disturb you with ridiculous amounts of messages.

And I say this as a former victim of dv myself.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 27-Mar-16 16:15:22

I'd switch your phone off at night. Give people your landline for emergency calls.

xshannonsheehan Sun 27-Mar-16 16:24:15

This sounds just like my friend, always on about how she's so unhappy and they've broken up but the next day it's like the conversation never even happened because she's all 'loved up' again.

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